allergic reactions

I literally remember having mittens tied to my hands as a child.   No  - I wasn't part of some crazy cult  - unless you consider Wisconsin a cult (and it very well may be  - all cold and shit  ugh :D )  Actually the mittens were to prevent me from waking up to a bloody mess of scratching my arms in my sleep.

I am - and apparently HAVE been -  allergic to a lot of things.  mostly topical and yet very recently - internally - aka FOOD.

I remember my childhood and then adolescent years as a blur of things making my skin better or worse but no real answers since none were really sought.   Nummular Eczema was the technical term.  All I know is my HS photos needed HUGE photo shopping even in the world before that was even cool.  

On my own dime as an adult I finally got the tests that confirmed what I suspected.  I am allergic to nearly fucking everything.  Some chemicals more than others - yet I still flirt with the devil now and then to see what I get away with but the consensus is still normally the same.  If it's not plant derived and there are preservatives in it I can't use it on my skin.   Food is a whole different demon.  I can't eat wheat though I've been experimenting.  Milk is still taboo - and now the lactose pills don't work.  Even the really expensive ones.  If there's milk in it - I will know it.  And if you are standing next to me in the elevator you may too.  :D

I can only use laundry detergent that has no perfumes or color.  WELL, we purchased a front load deally a bit ago and the funny thing about the washer not using a ton of water is that they FREAKING stink right off!  I bleach everything so this funky smell was super off-putting in my camp.   So against my better judgment I okayed these washer bead things.  HORRIBLE skin reaction but damn did my washer smell good.  My kids don't react to things as bad as I do.  So I let them - since they do their own laundry but mine can have NONE of it.

The latest BAD skin (for me) incident involved a tank top and Rit dye.   I had a tank top that had been bleach stained so Trinity and I dyed some clothes purple to get rid of the stains.  They turned out great.  We washed them numerous times.  I put my tank on for bed.   Within 20 minutes I was freaking out.   My torso (no bra mind you) was on fire with hives.  Benedril helped a bit.  I woke up at 3 uberitchy and wanting to drug myself except I have kids to drive to school at 6:45am.  So I sucked it up and just scratched my nasty self into oblivion. 

I can have 6 strawberries without hives.  I can now eat a bit of pizza crust but no cheese.  Greek Yogurt is completely off limits . . . unless I want to offend everybody within  a 10 block radius. 

I don't know if wheat will ever come back to me but I'm pushing some boundaries.  

Skin things I don't think I can ever fix.  I can never ever ever never never ever dye my hair with chemical hair dye.  Henna or nothing.  I'm actually okay with that since I am the poster child for how amazing Henna is.  I have the most healthy thick hair that nearly hits my ass since it grows almost a foot a year.  Yeah - it's red and that works for me.  I have to import it from the middle east but better that than gas.  Parabens.  Can't touch them.  Literally.  There are 6 types and all are horrible to me.  They are cheap preservatives.  I hate them all.  I have to take rings off if I use hand lotion because if they sit inside  - my hands blow up like Micky Mouse.  

Nickel in any jewelry is certain death.  Or snaps or buttons that touch skin.  suddenly my watch has my wrist a bloody oozing mess.  I wore that watch for 6 years.  suddenly.  I can't. 

I can have a conditioner that freaking rocks and then on the 3rd go round suddenly makes my neck and hairline break out.  

It's a daily issue to figure out what I can or cannot eat.  I don't  know what it's like having diabetes - but I gotta say - I dearly pay for the food or product choices I make.  I feel like I am not "normal" though I guess these days I have no idea what "NORMAL" really is.  I play Russian roulette a lot.  I want to believe I can try things.  If they send me into a tail spin - hives, welts, gastrointestinal distress . . . I don't unusually do it again.  I take my chances.  I love ice cream.  I'm likely to eat it again.  reaction or no.  cuz really?  who can live without ice cream?

Have Dog will Travel

So for all of the haters out there YES we KNOW we are dumb to adopt another dog.  YES we know we are morons for adopting another pit.  But when you fall in love with a face . . .  really? what cha gonna do?  I saw bottom left corner of a rogue's gallery of photos and "bottom left" (aka Dozer) hit me like - well, a bulldozer.  I knew it was dumb.  I knew it was ill advised.  But I also knew it was going to be great.  On that deep level that you just know.. . . he was going to be great.

So the road to get him was not super hard - actually it was pretty painless.  Long - yes - (8.5hrs one way) but an easy drive.  NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING like getting (AKA white freaking KNUCKLES) from Northern Virginia to Wisconsin.  I swear they don't make enough roads to have that actually happen.  It blows.  But VA to Augusta.  nothing.

Not to overshadow my new boy but seeing my B. was the best thing EVER!!!  Seeing somebody you loved and lost and then found and then refound and then "damn - it's been 15 years" has been a roller coaster of stupidly missing someone who was such a part of you you didn't even realize you couldn't breathe without them.

Dozer.  My new boy.  He is so stupid pretty.  He is Jared Leto in Fight Club.  Bella (14lbs)  kicks his stupid 58lb puppy ass.  She is not happy with him.  No. NOT HAPPY.  She will get over it.

This is a rescue who was not beaten but abused by neglect.  He had to figure out what stairs were.  (so smart it took him a day and now he thinks he's king of the second floor!)  He's never felt carpet.  BTW - LOOOOOOOVES it.

Dom was freaked out.  WHO THE HELL IS THIS IN MY HOUSE.  Legit he was an ass for about 2 days.  bumping him.  smashing him into things.  Thank GOD Dozer is still made of rubber - and a pit so he felt nothing.  Now.  They are comrades in arms.  I'm actually scared they will take over.  Though Dozer will be the brains since Dom is an idiot.  We have lost a screen door.  yes. Dozer was on a mission and it got in the way - or he didn't see it.  I pick the first.  To be expected.  I married an engineer and I intend to use him.  I designed a dog proof door (yes DOM has gone through as well) I want him to build this.  It may actually be such a great design we may be in the dog door business soon.  Wouldn't that rock???

Dozer is a chewer.  I've never actually owned one of those.  Dom doesn't chew.  Never did as a puppy - still doesn't.  Doz is 3 stuffed toys in and it's only day 4.  :D.  I'm okay with that.  If he eats my Bible we will come to blows though!!  kidding.  Remington reference.  Doz is a cloth chewer.  I bought 3 stuffed toys and a towel that was knotted (didn't buy that actually) the towel lasted all of 1/5 of a day.

Dom is a lazy ass who likes car rides, sunsets and redheads . . . . kidding.  no actually he does.  BUT he's so lazy.  Dozer has him moving.  If Dozer runs Dom thinks about it . . . lol.  I've started being more faithful in the dog running/walking thing.  Dom is a dumb ass who sniffs every freaking thing and would KILL me if I tried to run with him.  He stops DEAD and though he weighs WAY less than I do his center of gravity is a bit lower than mine having stupid long legs and arms.  He almost had me do a full superman fall.  So we walked and I had him close and tight.

Dozer?  We ran the full block (almost a mile)  NO ISSUE!  THANK YOU  B. and Tipton County Paws and Claws for such faithful work.  Dozer is a big boy (tall) and we will keep him exercised and I hope Dom starts enjoying walks more.  Sadly Dom is freaked out by little things and  perhaps we haven't helped.  Today was garbage day and so bins were lining the streets . . . Bins are clearly from Satan and scare the poo out of my big black pit DOM!!!  He freaks when he sees them.  Balloons also are satanic.  as are clowns . . oh wait that's me.

I'm so happy to see a dog go from not knowing his name - to getting it - in 2 days.

He peed on my foot in my kitchen.  I think HE got how freaked I was and hasn't done it again.  I did yell a bit (okay - a lot) and take him outside to learn POTTY is OUTSIDE! and hose my foot and my kitchen rug.  but we have hardwood and tile and it's easily cleaned.  as is my foot.

He is so smart I do NOT doubt that he will get it.  and soon.

I really hope the little dogs start to like him since he is forever here.   Well, Sadie may never like him but that's okay.  He leaves her alone since she runs the place anyway.   It's a matriarch thing.

I know people think we are crazy but I just knew.  Something about this dog was not to be missed.  I may be wrong but I think down the road I'm going to be so glad Dozer and Dom are watching our house.  Dozer especially.  He has a quiet gentle spirit but there's some serious intelligence behind that gorgeous face.

Well, we will see.  But a rescue is a rescue and I'm not certain who was who.

Lucifer

I went to this crazy church a few (16) years back that basically messed my life up in umpteen million ways and was  - as I call it HAPPILY the "Church of the Holy Reproduction" because they were BEYOND arrogant and stupid and the pastor thought he spoke for God and said that having all the kids you could was a great idea.

Yeah.

It was a horrible idea.  I love my kids YET I'm glad they are but three.  My husband at the time was ill equipped for one lone child - let alone three.  I know so many families in that church that were train wrecks. some made it out  - some are still stupidly there.

BUT my thoughts are not against that church right this second.

I was thinking more of music.

Lucifer was said to be the angel of light and was supposed to be in charge of music.  Makes perfect sense to me.

When I was losing said husband number one our biggest issue was the music he chose.  I refused to find a rare and precious baby sitter to go to a concert to see a band I hated what they had to say.

He went without me.

I understand what they said.  I get it.  I still don't like it.  I never will.

When I chose to get a divorce I wanted someone who understood me.  I wasn't actually looking for love I was looking for a good father for my kids.  I can love anyone who's nice - but it was music that made the difference.  The first time Roger sat in my dustbuster minivan he saw my CD's and said he had all of them.  And he did.

Music is so much to me I can't even explain.  Music is why I'm not a Lutheran.  and it's why I will always be.  Those stupid hymns are in my freaking DNA - but I dislike them greatly.

music moves me  - daily.  It makes me think - feel and cry.  I dance in my kitchen making dinner - pretty much every day.  If lucifer is in charge of music he's doing a great job.  most of it sucks.  but when I hear a song that I know has slipped in.  under his radar - I know about it.  I swear - I do = it's so good and moving.

yeah the other day we were listening to the radio going to church and Highway to Hell came on.  I cranked it up just to be funny.  yeah.  The devil doesn't get all the good songs... and sometimes it's just funny.

bloody well time

I quit my bad and under appreciated job in December of 2012.   in that lull I did exactly fucking nothing.  I mean really fucking nothing.  I barely wrote.  I pretty much just - cleaned my house - ran umpteen miles. and then knit things I ended up frogging (yeah that's right). aka.  I did fucking nothing.

There are certain camps that say that is a depression.  prolly.

Those are not the camps I'd send my kids to for fun but I get it.

I had decided that I needed a year.  I needed a year to breathe - but really I have no idea what that means.  I think breathe EQUALS or "means" lazy so I'm at odds with what I originally set out to do.  yeh me to subvert what I wanted to do!!!!  

Trinity kind of shook me out of my knitting slump.   and I quote, "yeah mom you get these knitting books from the library but you really don't knit that much lately."

no.  I don't.  I don't do anything of any substance lately.  what I do goes to the wind.

I run.  I sweat. I breathe but nothing permanent.

That is done.

Connor Howard left today.  I miss him.  but honestly - he's not my kid.  He's too easy.  My kids are hard and have issues.  I'm certain he has issues but when you get him 2 of the possible 52 you only get the surface.

It's funny - when I run.  the first 8 miles are the hardest - after that is gravy until 15.  why is that?  I hit a groove and it's fun.  before it's a fight for every 3 miles.  then after 8 it's a free ride.  I can do 8 miles an hour so that's not a timing thing.  it's just weird.

You sign up for one thing and it ends up in another state.  Not bad - just different.

not bad

just different.

The dogs of war

there are animals we own

Currently we have one surviving hermit crab.  Shelly is fine and thank you for asking. Trinity came home from the Outer Banks with three and Nemo and Beach are no more but Shelly is still sitting up and taking mist so we are happy.  Our almost 5 yr old guinea pig Snickers is still fat and sassy.  Daily he gets fed more food than the people in countries that eat him get.  I guess that should be wrong.  But he cracks me up.  He's so social.

I'm watching all episodes of Greys.  I have to.  I stopped watching because I had to.  SO now I've started at the beginning - because I had to.

I lost my dog a while back.  I say that because we bond with animals on levels we don't want to admit.  We are humans. We don't want to be the crazy cat lady or the person who puts animal over people but when you bond with an animal you just know.  It's the soul mate human thing.  You just bond and get it.  It's like your favorite child and if you are a parent and have more than one you need to admit to having a favorite - we all do but no one will admit it.  We love our kids but as humans we clearly love some on different levels.

Yeah.  Bella is my dog.  that little bitch is my dog.  she is my dog on levels I never knew I had in animal matter.  and she got lost.  she was let out with no gate and went on an adventure.  I was beyond crazy.  I was hypercrazyventalating!!!!!!

when a nice lady almost a mile from our house found her and called the cops since she wasn't wearing her collar - I was thankful and guilty at once.  Getting her back was amazing.  she was a rescue.  Her owners didn't WANT her. ??????????  she is the best dog ever. for me.  I guess it's who you are and what your needs are.  I guess it's who you bond with.  I hate little dogs.  except for bella.  lol

growing pains

I have a new yard.  New as in driveway - new brick front wall and new railing.  New driveway and new gate that opens when I push a button.  New backyard.  Driveway and Pool area and then Garage.  NEW NEW NEW.  I'm um.  a little. um

overwhelmed.

No.

I'm a lot overwhelmed.

I do change on the normal human level.

Puppy - new puppy - yeah he's great he's cute.  JESUS HE IS SHITTING ON MY RUG!!!  aaahhh okay cleaning up shit. . . and garbage that little bastard - oh i mean my darling - is OMG how cute is he ????? he's sleeping. . . and then growing and then stupidly chewing my best sandals . . . and then growing and doing evil . . .

Point is = change and time.

I can do change with time.  TOO MUCH CHANGE . . . TOO LITTLE TIME makes me more nuts.

I can't say crazy since everybody KNOWS I'm 5 beers short of a 6 sixpack  17 fries close to a happy meal and 8 pins short of a strike so YEAH - I KNOW NUTS.

But the one thing I'm okay with.  And kinda keeps me not chewing the curtains is my garden.

So. . . I gotta say I don't get it.  I have my dad's ability to just make shit grow.  I HAVE killed things as has he.  and I hate when a plant dies.  It bugs me bad.  BUT I have things live that SHOULD NOT LIVE.  I have a tree we got from freaking ALDI's!!!  ALDI's for like 10 bucks.   It was DEAD when we bought it and then I brought it back to life and then MOVED IT.  And I was not gentle.  Yeah - growing.

My personal specialty is vine.  vines like me.  I love them.

They move.  when they grow.  they are so alive and moving and growing.  vines are my thing.

they are plants that are stuck - they are stuck where I said to make them stuck but yet - they move on their own.

Like they know their basic limits but grown even beyond that and thrive.

yeah.  vines.

I am a vine.

and a great one at that.

Grey Matter

So.  In the few short days that we have Connor Howard (esquire) we are trying to make the best of it all.  I am feverishly trying to find a job.  Feverish in that I am sick with whatever crap the older two had and shared with the one they kiss.  And I'm finally ready to start watching Grey's again.  Grey's Anatomy was THE show X and I started watching because he was THEN working 2nd shift and it was on Sunday night.  We were actually there at the PILOT -  I remember missing the first crucial minutes of each show that started at 8. aka bed time - since I was the one in charge of children . . . ha!! like they weren't also his.  . . .  AND just like his family - they were just too much for his sorry ass.

When the show moved to Thursdays i knew we were doomed.  Not because we lost a show but because I knew.

They say the wife always knows.

She does.

She just doesn't always wanna admit it.

Watching now is horrible and awesome in a nutshell.  I'm working through a whole lot of bitter and angry and want to put a giant sledge hammer through his head.  but I won't.  I don't actually want to SEE his GREY MATTER.  I just wish he used it more.   I need to find a career because I need to feel useful.  I can write despite a lot of critics.  But I write for fun.  I'm super smart and can problem solve like an SOB.  Jesus. Stick me in a problem.  I can fix it.  Is there a job for MacGyver with long red hair?

I'm an angry white girl who has unresolved daddy issues.  But.  I am kind.  and loving and fun to be with.  I'm really smart and a good friend if you are flawed.

I'm horrible if you are family since I expect you to think I'm perfect.  And when you find different I'm not so kind.  In fact I lash out in unprecedented and horribly unkind ways.  and for the ladies I've done that to I apologize.  MacS. I'm sorry.  You are not a bad person.  I just don't know you.  You never tried to know me and I'm sorta in awe of you.  so go you.  You don't ever have to like me.  That's cool. I'm kinda weird.  Opinionated - but a freaking great host should you ever want to stay at my house I will treat you like gold.  It's kinda my thing.  I have that in my DNA.  apparently we were the BnB folks way back . . .

So.  YEAH this is another axe grinding post.  If you read me - deal.  It will get better from here.  Frankly - ha ha.  frank.  ugh.  I am actually going to do something.  The runway is in sight.

Thank God.  cuz this freaking circus is killing me.

off off off with yer head - dance dance dance til yer dead . . .

this is a story about a runner.

how she started and where she is now.

and okay yeah, that she.   is me.

I was a runner in high school.   more to the point.  I was a horrible hurdler.  I hit them.  all the time and every time.  I doubted my timing and sucked - bad.  then I got sick.  not just sick, but  Strep. Mono. a sinus infection,  tonsillitis and a double ear infection.  I was a freaking train wreck.  and SUDDENLY then for some feverish deluded reason - I decided I wanted to start really running.  I was off of school for two weeks.  I began running a bit at a time  - had to cuz  I woke up in a ditch after a few miles.  I never said I wasn't stupid - I'd just made up my mind.  I wanted to run.

Then I started college.  Ran a bit here and there but not seriously.

Then I got married and got a job and then a different job.  I was -  at that point about 26.  I was a help desk/software admin for a really mental software company in Brookfield WI and folks there actually drank on the job.  really really.  I started running on my lunch hour just to get out of Dodge.  I started a mile at a time.  and after a year and many bloody toes - I found that a mile had turned into 6.  I could run - 6 miles in an hour.  That seemed to me pretty great and my runs were actually pretty great since I lived in Waukesha.

It was 6 miles around my country block and that took my sweaty ass passed some pretty amazing scenes.  I actually tried to outrun a thunderstorm once and almost made it.  sorta.

Then I got pregnant.  times 3.

Not triplets thank GOD but 3 kids in 6 years.  "Running" only meant to the bathroom or out for diapers.  But I found I could jump rope in my living room for an hour and still stay fit.  and be home.

Then I remarried.

I discovered that Illinois hated me.  I fell.  a lot.  Maybe it's just their sidewalks are shit - I don't know - but I kept falling.  like almost needing stitches falling.  I fell about 6 times.  I hated running there.  I stopped and stuck to jump rope in the driveway.  Even in December.  it was a better idea.

Then we moved to VA.

I started running.  a lot.  I never fell.  Not once.

Then. one day.

I decided to do a marathon.  I just kinda announced it and it even came out as a bit of a surprise for me.

I trained hard and heavy and worked up to doing 15 miles a day.  7 days a week.  for 5 months.  I lost 20 lbs.  I  - at 5'8" weighed 120 lbs -  less if I did 20 miles.  I felt like I could do anything - be anything - and was killing my kidneys.  I didn't realize that running that much and not drinking more than water was a bad thing.  I was peeing blood everyday!  Genius!  right - I know.  Electrolytes people.  your friends.

I was set on this marathon.  It was all I cared about - and honestly at the end of the day it was the hardest thing I physically ever did.  At mile 21 I wanted to stop and sit down.  But the drill sergeant in my brain only let me walk through the water stop.  I finished in 3:43.   I know I could have done faster if I hadn't walked but I was so happy to have finished.  

After we got out of the crowd I wanted to get a tattoo.  Nobody wanted to do it for me since they thought I'd been through so much.  The tattoo of XXVI.ii  on my ankle took less than 5 minutes.  really?

Today I struggle.  I pick music for my IPOD that moves me - and yet I stay on the treadmill.  I'm afraid of training again.  I am afraid of diarrhea - yeah training in the heat of a VA summer - I need a bathroom after mile 12!  Nobody tells you about THAT  happy shit (literally)  If I'm at home I can get off and use my own bathroom - in the wild I am at the mercy of the McDonald's or Taco Bell or 7-11.  The evil looks I imagine.  This intel isn't to discourage you but nobody really tells you when you start all of the happy things that await the novice runner who just wants to "do" a marathon.  My sister and her hubby did one and for my poor sister it didn't end nicely.  She hurt her knee and it was a slow sad end.  I was alone and I know Roger will never run with me.  So anything I run is alone.

And then as the runner ages we experience all of the fun "getting OLDER" events.  I hurt my achilles a while back because I found that running on an incline is DUMB.  yeah.

Oh and at home I am barefoot 99% of the time and so I am inclined to KICK THINGS that are hard and stationary.

  I broke my toe AGAIN!! and had to take 5 days off. I hate being injured but being so - makes me breathe.  I like that.  I stop for a second and focus.  Once it stopped being the purple angry toe of death, .   I did 8 miles then 9 miles and today over 10.  Yet - training for another marathon scares me because I know how selfish it makes me.  It makes me focus on my needs and my goals and I have a tween and teens.  Until they are not my priority - they have to be my focus.  I'm the only one who cares about what happens to them on a daily basis.  I need to figure out how to make my goals and theirs meet.  Aislinn is set on track for her sport this year.  I am going to try to volunteer for her team.  I know if my parents had spent time with me in school I would have done better.  Not a dig but a truth.  I know I was a hard kid to raise.  Still am :D  But being there seems to be 9/10 of the battle.

I'm ready for a half marathon.  Not a full  - because I don't want it to be about me for another 6 months.  I love being a runner.  It's fun and sticky and sweaty!!!  and it's a part of my DNA.  But my DNA has more parts than just Katie.

If you don't run - I'm not saying you are less than anything - but running is kinda my thing.- whatever your thing is - that's great.  I'm trying to see if I can get Roger into tennis with me.  I'm horrible at it but passionate.

I guess it comes down to what makes us tick.  I am full of quirks.  Passionate or weird.  Places I avoid - things I do - foods I eat or don't.  Music that moves me.  I know I dissed Glee.  I do like it.  In a love/hate sorta way.  It's hard for me.

I am picking my drumbeat - my cadence.  I hope it works.

My prayer for you is that you have yours and it moves you.

Glee

so.  I'd be kidding if I said I didn't watched the show.  Though  - really it was after the fact.  I didn't want to like the show.   frankly it seemed lame and stupid and nothing I would actually care about. but watch it  - I did . . . .  I'd also be kidding to say I liked it.  I actually DID NOT.  In reality.   I dislike it.  I didn't like Seinfeld for the same reason.  you  - as a viewer are not supposed to like anybody.  All of the characters are flawed and unlikeable.  even the mostly like able ones.  really.  You are supposed to dislike everybody.  except for the music  - the show pretty much kinda sucks and makes me depressed for the human race.  everybody hates everybody. yeah glee!  gay people hating.  white people hating.  whatever Santana is hating - yeah.  haters all around.

so that brings me to today and me.  I had a very very good friend tell me that my blog was shit and no body cares and to just stop.

talk about a cold wet squirrel in the face and thank youthefuckveryfuckingmuchbitch.com

yes.  I am writing a book that most of the humans I knew in my life prolly don't want me to write and here's someone I really dug who tells me my writing sucks.   Yeah  - how about a red iceee in the face.

If I do finish this book.  I expect a lot of iceeees.  cuz it's not pretty but it's honest.  I guess it's never been about who likes you it's about what I think.  take it or leave it.  game on.

Bono Vox

I'm pretty sure that's bad Latin.  U2 may know.

I strongly DO NOT LIKE JK Rowling.  Yeah I know my own personal sister and the rest of the universe would take GRAVE offense to that statement but I really dislike her style of writing.  She - In my non-multibillion pound producing mind is very sludgy as a writer.  It takes me too long to read her because she's too hard to get through.  I don't like her "style" or more to the point -  "VOICE".   I read most of her first book and snored through it all.  I didn't really care what happened to Harry since it seemed she didn't either.  She - as most British writers - seemed to be somewhere else when it was all happening and Damn if they really didn't care all that much when they were there  ....  Now don't get this wrong.  I don't dislike British writers - no.  just her.

Now Hemingway.

A man who ran with the bulls

The war correspondent

A Man's Man. who could.

write like a woman.

He could get into a woman's head and write like she thinks.  Don't believe me?  Please read To Have and Have Not.  He understood and got it.  Prolly why he killed himself.  just sayin

So my sister and I nearly got into a fist fight over freaking Harry Potter.  AND - for the record I'd have kicked her skinny ass to the curb if it got that far.  She may be more educated but I can street fight.  :D

totally kidding. I'd have shanked her and hid the body.
I watch Criminal Minds.  I got this.

So knowing how I like voice and I like certain writers and I know what voice I personally have - My daughter is right now on this Percy Jackson thing and telling me how the the Movies suck compared to the books (as always - cough cough - the Shining) so ummmmmm hey Trinity - we have the whole series of books right?  Ok? OK!!!

Rick Riordan.  HOLY crap !!!   IMHO okay forget the H.  He's a billion times better writer than JK wishes she were.  If it didn't start raining on me I'd not have come inside.  Sucked in on page 3 !!!  WOW.

I guess my thing is when you find a writer you GET or don't get - you understand voice.  or more to the point - Don't understand voice.  I read really really fast.  A sludgy writer or someone I don't get slows me.  I hate that.  It's like reading a book in a language you knew but haven't used in 20 years.  It makes things super taxing and not in a good way.

OK - gonna go read now.  The Lightening Thief.  good stuff.  thanks Trin.

Oh and Happy Birthday to my gorgeous Son.  15 as of 10:20 this morning.  I remember it like it was 15 yrs ago.  :D  Thank you for being You 100%

heavy lifting

being a parent is the hardest fucking job on the planet - to date.  at least for me.  It sucked the life out of my boobs.  FOR REAL.  36 C to a 34 B at best.

It has also messed with my brain.  I used to LOVE horror movies.  really.  really really.  LOVED that shit.  then I had humans that I care about come out of me and then the universe shifted and it was all about what happened to them.  I NOW can NOT understand PAYING to be scared when the news on TV for free freaks me the hell out!!!!  I am now totally suspect of you if you can actually watch a horror flick and not care.  I can barely watch Criminal Minds without freaking.

Being a full time parent for THREE amazing but totally different and at most times DIFFICULT humans is challenging and also the most humanizing thing ever.  If you have kids - pay attention - wanna see your worst traits?  there they are. Full force - in play and making fun of how cool you thought you were.   maybe if you are lucky you will see your good ones too.

here's where it gets hard.  Divorce the spouse you had these kids with.  And then see your spouse in your kids  My son is my ex - physically.  He's all crazy curly hair and suddenly skinny though he eats me out of a fridge in day!!!   And it makes me smile.  I remember being young.  My son is so sweet.  He's a different egg.  Asperger's makes him different but loving.  I love my son so much.  My daughters are more like me but also different.  Trinity acts independent and smart but craves attention and love.  Yeah.  Me.

Aislinn is PURE Sullivan.   creative - dramatic - fun and social.  She is super sweet - but has explosive emotions.  She - like her sister need to be given daily love and affirmation.   Good thing I'm here.

I love the parents I have and GOD knows I've made a truck load of mistakes.. . but I know my kids.

I don't think my parents knew what to do with me and my siblings.  God knows I barely know what to do with my kids and I have had a train load of education and support and psychobabble.

Personally I think to be a parent you have to unplug yourself and your personality and YET also realize that you are part of this.  You and what you do - say and are part of - impacts who these humans in your house turn into.  You have to let them be who they are and want to be but also inject your subtle influence.  SUBTLE being the ultimate word.  I have learned that being a HEAVY handed parent turns your kids into the opposite of what you think is good.  Tim (the ex) always said - play music loud and be weird and your kids will end up normal.  I like that approach.  As young parents we spoke to our kids like adults - played music loud and didn't pretend like we were not in charge.  I have some pretty great kids if I can be so bold to say.  They are all now in Middle School and Liam starts High School in September.  I'm proud of my kids.  I love them more than O2 because they are the best and worst of me and Tim.  They are part of my Midwest life and now thriving here in VA.  I love Virginia.  It is amazing.  I don't know anywhere I would rather be except maybe TX or FL.  This state is amazing.

Just sayin.  But being a parent is the heaviest of heavy lifting.  and also the lightest.  :D

I am judging you

Okay so that was just the teaser line -  but if you are at all honest as a human or at least me - I  cannot NOT judge someone based on who or what I perceive is their intent or drive.

For me it's amicability.

Are you bitchy and opinionated and that opinion goes without the justification that makes me believe even if i disagree with you  - you will still not want to shank me?  I have "friends/family members" I believe despite degrees and oaths would  - ABSOLUTELY - shank me.  Not my favorite humans.  And I will go to my grave saying so.  I am  - basically a really nice chick.  I rescue dogs and have birthed babies.  I bake bread for people and open my house to kids that have nowhere else to go during the week in the summer.  Oh wait - they are mine.  Jesus !!!  and I feed them!!!  COME on - they are a tough crowd!!!  wanting Ice Cream and stuff.

Really.  I do judge people..   Be honest  - we all do it.  NOBODY is not racist - - even just  a little bit.

Let me be honest - I'd take 12 George Z's to one Trayvon.  AND Here's why -  have you have ever been scared in a parking lot with your purse held tight to your chest.  sorry but being real.  I HAVE!  BE real!!!  I've lived in several big cities.  It's real and if you say it's not you are dumb.

I'd take a man doing what HE thought was right over a SUPPOSED punk any damn day.  This is not celebrating ending a man's life - but let's be real?  how many gang deaths do we never ever hear about?  I HATE that a young man had his life ended and someone else had his picked apart by lawyers and posers but If you have ever locked your car door LADIES when someone is close - be HONEST for once.  George isn't the threat unless YOU are one.  George isn't the problem.   The problem is still the problem.

We are not nice as a HUMAN RACE as a general rule.   It makes me sad that someone that I know doesn't see the universe as I see it but I don't take that as an act of war.  I see the God that made the human eye as kind of the non-petty sort and gets that we are not as smart -  big  - all knowing NOR mysterious as HE is.

I love my doctor.  She is Indian of the West variety.  I love love love her.  Her fingers are longer than my arm!  (a bit exaggerated) but she's balanced.  I like that.  I think she's Hindu.  though there's no evidence.  just vibe.  I love her.  i would trust her to make the best decision ever for my children my hubby or myself.  I trust her.  I have built a relationship over the last 3 years of in and out with her that warrants that position.  I trust my doctors because I pray and then choose them wisely.  My midwife was chosen.  My Doctor was chosen and she was AMAZING.  My pediatrician was the one who told me not to vaccine my babies before they were a year and then left us to be a "DR without Borders." ass.  lol  - he is an amazing man I love and respect him.  YES we vaccinated our kids.  just not as infants.  I'm not stupid.

If you think you don't judge another human based on who you are, where - or even just the day you are having you are misguided.  Be real.

I am judging you on your Guacamole recipe.

Mine is amazing.  My hands are still burning.  Text me if you want it.  I know there are toes I've stepped on writing this but I calls um like I seez um and I am too old not to.  If something hit you  - good.  chances are it should have.

And we should be all based on what we can bring to a party.

2 ripe avocados
2 jalapenos (with seeds - duh)
3 romas
half an onion
citric acid or a full on lemon assault
.

not a ton of cash but goodness.

I know I will have haters but if we can't be honest with what we think or feel - I personally believe we have nothing.  Lisa Lampenelli is one of my favorite comediennes  - she is funny and rude and nasty and vile and yet totally completely accurate.  That is a rare gift.  And real.

invisible walls

"Something there is that doesn't love a wall . . .  "

Okay.  I am a TOTAL lover of walls.  and fences.  barriers and hedges.  I am a very very private person when it comes to my home.  If you are welcome and I trust you as friend - then you have an open invite 24/7 to my home and all that that entails, you have a room and clean sheets and I'll cook for you and entertain you completely -  but if not welcome then I would rather not see you in my private domain.

It's just who I am.  I will certainly HELP a stranger but I'm always on guard.  Too many episodes of "Criminal Minds" I guess.  or perhaps I just know the world we live in.   I trust God and try not to be stupid at the same time.

That said.  a war of sorts has begun.  I knew it was brewing a while back but now it's in full armistice mode.  lines being drawn - battle plans discussed - weapons made ready.

"Good fences make good neighbors."

"before I built a wall I'd ask to know
what was I walling in or walling out,
something there is that doesn't love a wall. . . "

I understand our chain link fence that keeps our canines from both hurtling themselves into traffic and mingling with neighbor dogs.  I understand the fence around our pool that keeps eyes off of the females that reside in our house. . .  aka myself and girlies.

I guess I understand walls and fences.  they are known boundaries.  I KNOW good fences - aka boundaries DO make for better relationships since they establish what is okay and what is not okay.  What is acceptable given who you are in relation to who I am and such - all that I totally understand.

Then comes the hardest of the boundaries. . . the unwritten.

We have,  as a family in the last 6 months undertaken a huge renovation of our front & backyard.   We built a garage and tore apart our front.  Blocks now rise where there was once mangy grass.  Cement where there was nothing and a gorgeous garage where there were once crappy sheds.  amazing and SOOOOO pretty.  and so. . . .

We systematically pissed off our UBER jealous neighbor who has lived in his tiny BUT well kept house for a million (or so) years in one fell swoop. He does NOT have a garage.  and is struggling to live day to day but is very very very very very (did I say very) protective of his yard and also the public property in front of his house.  We had to have our gas line replaced by the GAS (FREAKING) COMPANY since they discovered (oh my!) it's leaking.  in two places.

did I mention - not our fault yet?

they started at 8am and did not finish til 10:45pm!!!  street blocked off - and wait for it wait for it . . .  they were parked in front of his house.  He had the balls to ask the gas company to move.  There was a dangerous gas leak but he wanted them to leave or move out of the PUBLIC parking in front of his house.

Let me stop here and say - I like the man.  I understand him on a pretty good level and I know in my heart he's a good guy - but WRONG in his thinking.  But I want to make nice.  Since I live here and wars among neighbors NEVER end well.  I take the high road.  I give him handmade bread and beet seeds.  I make peace.

But bread and seeds will not stop a jealous heart.  Nothing can.  I know he's plotting  - since that's what jealousy does even to nice people.

We are within code and GOD WILLING will be done with this crap soon.  I want my privacy back.  I don't do well with workers in my yard - nice though they are - and I have a blueberry I NEED to get in the ground.

Roger is threatening to put up a 6ft fence between us and our neighbor.  That would kill his garden.  AND would be a horrible thing to do and I refuse to let it happen EXCEPT as a last and I DO mean LAST resort.

But like I said - battle lines and plans. . . .

I try to walk in the feet of the one who said (paraphrased in JC's words) GO the EXTRA mile . . .

Wars with neighbors NEVER ever ends well.  but I can't fix a jealous heart.  only God can do that.

I'm so happy for what we have done to our house I really don't want this to overshadow and will try to not let it.

Perhaps I need to bake more bread.  And pray.  If you could all join me I'd be thankful.

I have an Amish - (aka Mormon) bread starter going.  Got my bases covered I hope.

Peace

Robert Frost - Mending Wall


Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,
And spills the upper boulders in the sun,
And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.
The work of hunters is another thing:
I have come after them and made repair
Where they have left not one stone on a stone,
But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,
To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,
No one has seen them made or heard them made,
But at spring mending-time we find them there.
I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;
And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
And some are loaves and some so nearly balls
We have to use a spell to make them balance:
'Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'
We wear our fingers rough with handling them.
Oh, just another kind of out-door game,
One on a side. It comes to little more:
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

Against all Odds . . . .

Alright - I have to admit that's a bit of a stretch for a title.  It was a movie I never actually watched but  it was a theme song I sang (embarrassingly loud) with my best friend Jodi W. while she expertly played piano.  STILL it is a moving song.  And as a concept I sorta get it.

I am an unabashed Christian.  Jesus is my Lord and Savior.  I believe that the Earth is NOT millions or Billions of years old.  I believe in the flood.  I also believe that dinosaurs existed.

ANYwhooooo .. . I believe the Bible.  The Bible of Moses and Abraham and Jesus.  That being said . . . I believe God knows VERY clearly where we are living today.  We are sooooo NOT in the Garden of Eden.   We don't exist in His perfect idea of life.  Nobody that we heard about -  besides Adam and Eve and maybe Cain and Abel knew how amazing it was.  We won't ever definitively know.  Heaven is going to be WAYYYYYY different - or so I've heard.

That said.  I trust God.  I totally trust that what HIS book says is true will work today as it did previous.

WHICH makes me also NOT trust false prophets who tell you to do dumb things -  like play with poisonous snakes because someone in the BIBLE was EXAGGERATING.  I say things all the time to make a point.  I don't know precisely how many camels would fit through needle eyes but my guess is ZERO!!!!  Jesus was using a METAPHOR!!!!  It's a literary term.  God is not saying - hey dumb ass - test me and see how many snakes bite and kill  you. . . .  it was just a reference to - UM WELL, TRUST GOD!!!!  Personally if you need the Cliff Notes here - you WIN the Darwin award.  Go ahead Bubba - the snakes are all yours.

Do I believe that Angelina Jolie made the right choice to cut off her breasts with the help of the best surgeons in the universe to circumvent getting cancer?

Hell YES!

Do I think the rest of the known universe without the help of the best surgeons in that same universe would have been able to take months off to care for themselves and their brood of kids and responsibilities?  no.  Does Obama Care cover such a procedure?  Ouch.  right.

Do I care right now if she did the right thing?  Yeah.  Good for her.  All I could think right away was that I saw those gorgeous breasts in the movie Gia.  Yeah.  She's HOT!  But she's a mom now.  Not even the tiniest bit less amazing but suddenly with more responsibility.  She doesn't want to fight the odds - she wants to mitigate them.

If the "house always wins,"  don't play.   I was married in Vegas.  I get that one!

I would have done the exact same thing.   If it meant cutting off a leg or I would be a cancerous ticking TIME BOMB?  TAKE THEM both - I will figure this out.  My kids need me.   Certainly NOT any more than her kids need her but obviously I'm not a BAZILLIONAIRE married to freaking Brad Pitt.

I'm frankly offended that there are radical church freaks taking lame pot shots at her.  I trust God but when I get pneumonia I don't JUST pray I get an antibiotic thankyouverymuch!    I UNDERSTAND the people who don't trust the medical industry as a whole - I was one of them for a long time - I get disliking those Dr.s who are on the pharmaceutical companies payroll and sucking at the prescription tit.  Thankfully I have met some amazing Doctors over the years who are real and WOW are actually either both Ethical AND Christian or just some really great Human Beings.  They have restored my faith in medicine.  


I take being a mom super serious.  and whether you actually birth the kids out of you or adopt doesn't make them less yours.  I get it.  Good for you AJ.  I'm proud of you.

Love is in the red letters. really really

I remember the day.  I actually disdainfully laughed.  In my overeducated and Hugely inflated ego due to far too much acadamia.  I would actually like to claim that as a disability.  "I'm sorry =  I can't work  YOUR HONOR - I'm just too fucking smart. . . . " Uh.  yeah that was me.

 Then there was a wedding.

I really am too embarrassed to give more details than I can because it really was a beautiful wedding.  I made fun of a bride because of her choice of footwear.

It was a day that frankly will sit with me forever.

It was a wonderful wedding! But unlike the man I WAS married to  - she is still there with her man.  I'm glad.  He is a good man. One of my all time favorite humans.  and I still am shameful.  It was a statement.  If I had done it  - it would have been cool.  because DAMN it's me.  she did it because she is a gorgeous woman and was making her humble statement.  For me it was an arrogant - "ohhhh I'm smart and you shoeless fool ,. . . .    "

damn my education.  she was being open.  it was an open honest moment. 

and I spit on it.

shame on me. 

end of day.

shame on me.

just saying.  I am learning.  Being educated does NOT make me a good person.  Being open.  Yeah.  That that is learning.

MAG church.  Now is going to be Chapel Springs.  amazing. WORD. 

noodles of fury aka my dinner

I originally started writing a blog before blogs were cool.  That's not a brag it is just a sad fact that I'm old and was at home with little kids and not a lot of friends.  The Internet was a place to make friends of similar interests.  I was part of Craftsty.  A cool collective of patterns, ideas and just great folks who like crafts and make random things.  I was part of several craft swaps that paired you up with someone random across the globe and you made something of a certain theme and then sent it to them and they made something for you and then sent it.

MOST

FUN

ever. really really.

my pin fish.  is still the best thing anyone has made for me to date.

it's a fish made of felt sitting on a bed of water looking fabric that has beads in it.  My pin fish freaking rocks.

SO.  I started out as a crafty chick.

I am still.

I give you a gluten free yummy thing I call...............

wait for it

NOODLES of FURY~ or like.

whatever

I can eat them so I don't care

I can eat rice noodles so find a place and then

get some.

boil like mad ( I always add some sea salt to the water.)

before said boil is over add 1/2 lb of fresh spinach leaves

drain.

throw back in hot pot

add one egg and stir like mad

I do see a lot of mad things here :D

add parm.

eat.

I added Tabasco but I then add that shit to freaking everything.

So.  Enjoy my gluten free friend.  I feel your pain.  My life is a sinking hole of suckage.  oh. no. not really.  I cope,  It's not like I've abandoned my court ordered  responsibility!  yeah that would make me a total troll.  Oh wait that's not me.  so well just enjoy!

2 minutes

SO.  if you are at all an American with a TV radio or internet connection you get that shit is going down in our fair country as we speak.

If you have a loved one who was hurt in jeopardy or close I'm so sorry.  My daughter's teacher's daughter was running the marathon today but we know she's okay.  Not actually but. . . actually YEAH.

I've never loved God more today than I ever have in my life.

They say shit happens.  Yeah I know.  often.  daily

If you know me you know I married someone who owned my heart until he didn't.  And then I moved on.  With kids in tow.  To the great land of VA!  I freaking love DC area.  But for those who live in the land of the free and home of the brave we have luxury status as in a BUCKET LIST . . . . to run a marathon was one of mine.

I was even so arrogant as to put a "before 40" on that bitch.  Yeah.  I trained for the Richmond Marathon for almost 8 months.  it was 2011.  My secret goal beyond just finishing was under 4.  I ran that in 3:43.  I was under and uber pleased.  I qualified for BOSTON baby.  but.  Not 2013.  they changed it in my age group by two minutes.  or I would have been at that finish line with my family today.  two minutes.

I was the person who slept through their alarm on Sept. 11, 2001.

BUT I admit I was angry at first.  I ran - hard.  I walked through the water stops but god damn to qualify for my age I ran hard. . . . I'll admit I was a bit pissed off. then.  TODAY?

today.

I'm not pissed off

I'm grateful

okay I'm pissed off by the coward who took out runners.

I really would like him/her/coward group/whatever to suffer what they did to people

today.  I am sad.  I could have been there.  I was slated to be but my JESUS made me walk for two minutes.  He made me slow just a tiny bit.  I finished 17 minutes before I said but still in full street cred. He made sure I was a tiny rockstar but didn't go to Boston with my family 2013.

If you ever think a door is closing in front of you . . . it may be a door that a year and a half in front of you explodes on tv.  just say thank you Jesus and cry.  I know I did.  2 minutes.  I would have been there.  with my kids.

this could get me fired - or not.

oh wait.  I think I'm going to work for a bitch anyway what does that matter?

So I had a dream last night that I was sewing - yeah right I know ME sewing . . . who would have thought?  It was red Sunbrella fabric with big green palm fronds that I have worked with more than I would care to share. 

Oh yeah,  those just tuning in . . . I sewed custom cushions for most of my adult life.  and it was really amazing stuff.  Yeah that was ME re-doing million dollar mansions on the Lake Geneva shorelines.  And gated communities.  And Chicago uppity ups with their 50,000 dollar nursery, who thankfully spent a hair of that on my personal sewing labor.  It was actually pretty cool.  I under charged to guarantee that I got in.  My Decorators told me I under charged but that was the Lutheran in me not wanting to be proud.  Catholics and Lutherans  if they are in the trades . . . . seek them out. 

Anywho . . . .  Dream.       Today Roger comes home and asks me what I would charge for sewing. . . . . My brain goes numb.  He actually pulls out the word SUNBRELLA.  I'm stunned.  His boss who lives.  okay when I say the city it won't mean dick to you if you don't live here but  . . . dude lives in sorta Beverly Hills. . . wants me to do his sunroom furniture.   Can't find someone to do it.  Oh and another coworker has a grill cover . . . 

I'm a bit in shock.  I am currently on garage watch.  Making sure the tyvek goes on all four sides and I guess I've failed since the tan garage does not currently meet the GREY house.  I have not yet been fired since I did not actually sign for said TAN siding but there may be a flogging and I hope it's not me. 

But as the home wife watching progress and trying very hard to not kill the dogs who moment by moment NEED me to KNOW that in fact there are actually STRANGERS IN OUR YARD.. . .and actually more to the point BLACK men in our yard . . which I try to explain to TWO of the three that they in fact are black . . it seems to fall on deaf ears and they are just concerned that I am not MORE concerned.  It's really kind of tiring.  And if I were not already running on the treadmill I would want to run far far away.

And more to the point I DO know what Tyvek is   And I can wield a drill.  don't piss me off.  I'll screw with you.

I am so happy to think I get to work again for me but I'm also scared.  I'm harder on me than anyone could be.  I want my shit perfect.  and last time I checked my water walking skills involved a boat and a boom.  I try though.  Nothing I did in my past sewing life - OKAY save ONE job was ever sent back and that was clearly a smoking crack moment.  Not sure.  I fixed it -  moved on,.  Still remember it though.

But to think.  I could get to sew again.  for fun and profit.  in Ashburn VA (check out most wealthy area in the US - aka beats 90210 by an f' ton!)  Yes that's where I may have an in.  with chatty folks who chat up neighbors.  and yes I do curtains too.  and couches.

The hard part for me is dealing with decorators.  I had two of the best - most amazing women to work with in Oconomowoc (and I dare you to say that if you are not from Wisconsin)  And a sister team in Elkhorn that were amazing as well.  And I had the worst.  A diva from Brookfield that made me hate the business and shorted me.  I made a voodoo doll in her image.  or just wish I had.  MaryAnn.

It really does excite and scare me to my core.  I really am good.  at this.  Of this I am certain. 

the rest is just thread.

lil rando

This is based on a facebook post that I thought was just kinda witty.  Yeah. 

To quote, um, me:

"Do what speaks to you.  Live out loud and on purpose.  Try not to hurt things unless you have to and then apologize or say grace and enjoy.  Life ends.  Enjoy the wine."

I'm not sure those who don't KNOW me get it.  I'm not trying to overstate that I'm "COMPLICATED."  I am just Katie. 

I just finished Kitchen Confidential for like the 5th time.  It's the only book by Anthony B. that doesn't make me want to kill him.  He's got a great voice in reality - but his fiction sucks.  Bad.  I'm a writers reader and yuck. 

This makes me remember the one (count them ONE sermon my then husband Tim preached = Where is your passion?)  ugh.  I'm frankly still looking. 

fucking Pintrest.

Sorry to go all Fbomb there but Pintrest is my worst ADHD idea on steroids.  I need aderall just to approach my IPAD these days.  Do what speaks to you . . .  yes, that omg that - sqeeeeeeeee that's adorable oh MY GOOOOOOOD that's the best, why diddddn't  I think of that . . .

you see?  I'm a crafty crafter.  I am a bit of a hoarder PURELY by DNA.  I pretty much have the makings of - well.  everything.  You wanna make gak?  yeah.  I have borax.  Paint something?  what color and enamel or regular?  Glitter?  what type?  Yarn? - hahahahahhahahaha.  don't even.  I can stitch, paint, knit or pool noodle my way into whatever you wanna do.  but Pintrest added a WHOLE new level of competition.  Jesus I wanna get divorced and then remarry just to do a Pintrest wedding.  It's crazy.  What speaks to me is usefulness.

I won't knit a COZY for freaking anything.  unless it was previously cold and needed cozying and  I'm fairly certain my TP is NOT cold. 

I don't like useless things.  Art is great.  hang it wear it put on a wall or display it but dear LORD my vacuum is just fine.  she doesn't need a skirt.  I swear.  neither does my sewing machine.  her case is fine.  thankyouverymuch.

We are week two and change into the GARAGE project.  I don't like people in my yard.  I learned that this last little bit.  My dogs are on HIGH ALERT (aka BARK EVERY F'N SECOND!)  I'm rethinking my pet killing standard.  The guinea pig is the only one I DON'T want to murder lately. 

So what really sparked this post was a comment by someone I went to HS with -  miss M.  I am me.  I tend toward the non-confrontational of the species.  I don't like conflict.  just don't.  was taught at an early age to be a people pleaser.  is that the best way to be? no.  is it mine?  was.  not so much anymore but took some heartache and break to fix the worst of it.  so will I ever be my strong - say what you need to have happen sister? nope.  I prolly won't.  I just won't stand up and be that forward.  I envy her some days.  Some days I love that I'm me.   I have to.  I've got the only skin I've been given.  my heart is my heart. 
 
What M said is that she wished that everybody got her comments and live out loudness that they clearly didn't get when she shared what she was thinking to them.    OK.  Live out loud doesn't mean being mean, or rude.  If you don't know what that is . . . Run a comment by me first.  I'll let you know.  Maybe that is my place in life. . .  I have a son with Asperger's.  AKA no filter.  I hear how he talks and really he doesn't mean to sound rude.  He just says what his brain is thinking.  It comes across as rude OFTEN.  If you think what you want to say to X sounds confrontational?  ASK me.  Text me later get my number . . . . I'll answer.  Ask - I'll gentle it down. 

The thing I did at my last paid job gig that made the most sense was the thing that I wasn't hired to do really.  It was Behavior Analysis.  I know how someone - given their past, and character traits are going to react.  What their next move will be and how they are feeling.  I  haven't been wrong yet. 

That and I can find things.  but that's another animal

I guess it's my hands and brain that are who I am and where I find my passion.  I can read people for the most part.  I won't ever be a chef but I will always cook.  I'm slightly crazy but smart enough to know where rational ends and fringe begins.  and I have ALMOST more yarn than God. 

life is good.

Don't even

So.

HEY

okay.  it's going to get uncomfortable.

I'm the girl who will say what she is thinking...  Because.  well, I'm educated. intelligent. and I can.

you are reading this so you either hate me and want ammo or like me and like what I have to say or are family and are both.

So.  Today was Wednesday.  or as Manassas knows it - 25% off at Salvation Army day.  aka Hispanic day.  I do so love everyone who lives in my country.  But again.  It is actually MY FUCKING country.  we do actually speak ENGLISH here.  Oh who am I kidding.  VIRGINIA?  or as it is so unaffectionately known "THE DMV"  as in the district of columbia, maryland, virginia.  ugh.

I am actually sad to live here.  It's so so so horrible to be white in Virginia.  It just is.

our jefe is black and that makes things so weird,  but since I didn't and would never vote for that asshole he's not actually my boss.  I still love all Americans.  black white brown. .  Jesus I love the whole bag of M&M's!!!

BUT Here's my question to all you readers.  . . . am I racist?  I love who I love and dislike people who are mean and stupid.  BUT I will be honest.  I went to a school in Winneconne Wisconsin of all white kids,  then a college of mostly WHITE kids.  The non-whites I knew were either great friends or friends of friends.   I didn't think of anyone I knew as a color just a friend,  Until Tim showed me how the blacks upnorth walked reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeallly slow across the road if your face was white when they walked in front of your car.

point of fact.  true. sad and sorry....

I was really just open to humans, lesbians, gays and racially mixed crazy folks.  didn't care if you were fun it didn't matter so I gotta believe I'm not.  but I know.  I don't necessarily like haters.

I side with Israel.  so I get that people hate that.  too bad,  really too bad

I love Israel

want to go for a long vacation.

love.

so any who.

shalom!

fan mail

oh my Lord Jesus I do wish.

So yeah I have a few followers but not all that many.  BUT that being said.  I'm still tossing this bone to anyone who wants to help this bitch out.  I need topics.

SO.  You toss a topic I will write it.  No matter how weird off the grid bizarre I'm game.  I actually live for this stuff.  You volley I WILL spike it back.  I guarantee.

TOnite was a gimme from the hubby sort...  Okay I was going to read but he felt guilty going to work so I said what if I wrote - would he feel as guilty and the obvious was no.  so here I am.  I'm just the genuine fixer that knows how humans typically work.

so the topic du noir is  . .   .  nostalgic movies.

Oh DEAR lord in heaven.   really?

Okay from the movies I SHOULD NOT HAVE SEEN to those I wish to GOD I had not. . . where do I start?

There are some really dumb things I love. and some dumb things I hate.  And then Moonstruck.

I know.

It's dumb.  I know it should not work.  On any level.  but.  I can quote it.  because it makes me laugh and then LAUGH really really loud.  and because I love Cher.  And Nicolas Cage.  and the grandpa with the epic eyebrows and dogs.  K

And then there is Rock n Roll HS.  Duh!!!

IT's the RAMONES.  If I have to it explain you would NOT get it.  IT's stupid on a pizza pie plate.  in spades.  BEYOND dumb.  REF ERR MADNESS only in the 80's.

TOday I watched Evil under The Sun.  Peter Ustinov in his fattest and most Belgian.   And Lady Chatterley's Lover.  Both bad.  and 80's but good in their remembering factor. and DH Lawrence and Agatha Christy have street cred.  Or at least Library shelf cred.

Mellor's. ugh.  yes please.  Bad Irish accent and all.  BUT I forgot how hot she was.  I'd do her over him any damn day.  And Lord Chatterley? - bad teeth and all.  sadly NO.  yuck.  complicated.  Yeah.  I get that.

There are so many movies I've been trying to find and weirdly last weekend I found Wings of Desire.  I finally got Roger to watch and it was me who wanted to cut it off because it was too hard to watch.  We soldiered on though and I'm glad he made me since it reminded me why I LOVE IT.

It's a movie in time and also out.  As a child who remembers her Grandparents speaking German more than English early on. . . it's a hard but easy thing.  Hearing German is hard since my grandparents swore at each other in that language.   German to me is the opposite of French.  French is female.  loving kind of caressing of the ear.  gentle.  German is male.  very hard phallic and course in it's sound. If you disagree . . . no you can't.  it's pretty basic. I don't dislike German.  It's my core.  BUT the sound of the language is hard.  Watch Monty Python.  Jesus.  The English get how hard German is.  it's just funny

So. . .  There are so many movies.

Nightmare on Elm Street.  yuck.

Clockwork Orange.  moving

Blade Runner. duh

Terminator and T2. yeah  I can do pull ups and push ups thanks to Catherine

All of the Merchant/Ivory movies.  I'm me.  thank you very fucking much

body heat?  meh

Romancing the Stone.  made me want to write and find out who the Dooby Brothers were.

and I fell in love with Michael Douglas

for five minutes

then I loved Johnny Depp

....

...

....

Daniel Craig could be a stop gap

Or Olivia Wilde.  Just saying



So.  I'm saying.  I'm a very very visual person but in a weird way. I FREAKING HATE the 3 stooges but LOVE the Marx brothers.  I LOVE Duck Soup.   That movie is from 1923!  Still watch  it often.


But well, There are so many things I won't watch.  I hate mean people being mean to each other.  I hate dumb for dumb sake. and sappy romantics.  NO Nicholas Sparks here.  I barely tolerated Twilight.  I could not even finish the stupid books.  But the movies finished it for me.  ok.

so.

topics love?   in order.  I will.  If you wanted to know what I think?  bring it.  I am in.

I coulda been a contenda ...........

so this has been an enlightening 10 week sabbatical.  I have learned a lot.  Like the fact that I like to work out.  a lot.  yeah.  I do.  It's kinda fun too.  sorry.  My triceps kill !!!  :D

I've also learned that this is a tough job market and if your resume isn't coated in f'n unicorn pee and glitter or dances on it's own or you don't have 4 phd's AND some special IT skill and speak fluent Mandarin and have a SPHR and a PMP with a minor in Engineering/Anthropology yeah, don't apply.

Oh yeah.  This is DC after all.  a VERITABLE GLOBAL market of people who are here,  but not really.  Super smart BUT from somewhere else.  I am smart but from America.  and white.  (Insert apology here)  If I was Hispanic/Indian/Black even with my same degree and background I would be unstoppable.  I know this.  but I'm a white chick.  I don't embellish my Resume.  Perhaps I should.   Maybe I'm suddenly from Dubai.  Not Manassas Park.  If I wore a burka would you hire me?  I am not bitter since I know who I am and know that I can create something from nothing really.  I started a sewing business in freaking ass poor Wisconsin that rocked.  I am currently living in the richest part of the US.  If I really really wanted to. .  okay game on.  BUT Do I really want to sew covers for couches in rich US of freaking A again?  not sure.  But I know I know what I know.  I can.  I'm good at it.  HELL i'm really amazing at it.  It's a skill I will never lose.  but it's not required today.  though I may send some feelers out.   I may do some marketing that will test the waters.

BUT.  there is one thing I know.  I do not want to sit for a living ever again.  I HATE sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day.  Honestly I would rather stand and check people out at a gas station than sit behind a computer and take hateful customers on the phone ever again.  UniF. wrecked my brain for a while.  I'm better.  I'd happily show someone where the toilet paper is or deck screws or freaking anything really.  I really do give good phone.  ask anyone.  But getting told I suck  - my people suck and anyone who knows me sucks because some lazy ass driver didn't deliver uniforms to his 2 man auto shop kinda killed my like of customer service.  It hurt my soul.  this 10 weeks has been a healing and awakening.  I remembered that I can do things.  I like things.  I'm, well, crafty.  and here's the cool part this time around.  I get to be.   There's no scorn, no derision.   I get to be crafty and like it.

(insert I'm sexy and I know it music)

I get to explore things and when I say explore - 90% of my exploration is epic fail.  I try things out and they don't work, so I rework and rework and scrap and try something else and they tell their friends and so on and so on and so on and well you get it.  I am an experimenter.  I got a ton of clothes from my UniF life that were going to go to a land fill.  SAD!!!  So I am cutting and trying to come up with something cool.  Maybe.  Or I give them away.  There are people who need clothes.  The landfill is pretty well full.  Nobody naked there.

So this is just the beginning.  I know that.  10 weeks is nothing.   I'm done apologizing.  I get to be me. Full fledged merit badge earned ME.  Frankly I would have to say it's about time right?  Stay posted cuz I have some cool ideas.  And I may need some of you. . . . :D

so we could be heroes

just for one day.  or not.

I actually really hate that I have a sorta kinda like um you know . .  . "hero."  I hate that I revere another HUMAN who isn't in a career that is life endangering like a fireman, policeman, soldier or  school teacher (yes male or female in all categories) but well confession time. . . .

You have to have heard me gush about Tony.  Yes.  that tony.  Tony.  Anthony Bourdain of the No Reservations goodness.  where I met him first (met as in on TV not like I'm some crazy stalker - really, I'm not! - I swear that wasn't me!)   Instant attraction.   I read his books.  My copy of his Kitchen Confidential is dog eared and loved - very much akin to my Julie Powell's Cleaving.  Julie and Julia was only the start of her story.  It is not a book for the faint of heart.   Gritty - tough parts and tender parts and all things intestinal and hard to swallow.  A cook's journey.

Cooks, we are a funny lot.  we take feeding seriously.  and work with knives.  very very sharp knives. we have blood on our hands most days and flesh under our nails often.  we get excited about exotic ingredients we have never worked with before JUST as much as familiar but forgotten things from our past.

What we do is something so very vital to existence but also just as basic.  it could be simply filling and then forgotten because it served a need and the fuel moved the subject on to the the next activity  - as no car remembers it's last fuel station.  OR it's remembered - put down - etched into their very being = something akin to writing a sonnet because the meal was so amazing.  earthshaking.  breathtaking.  like my first bowl of pho.  I will never  EVER forget it.  and I only was brave enough to try it because of him.  Tony.  he made me try it.  dared me even.  and I'm a better NAY, more adventurous eater because of it.

BUT

you had to know there was a but coming right?  kinda riffed on the heroes thing and you knew I hadda knock this asshole off the pedestal he never would have wanted me to put him on in the first place.

I watched him in this kind of crazy Pulp Fiction version of his life on tape.  I saw No Reservations.  Read his book (and please for the love of GOD don't waste your time with his fiction.  He thought he was a cooking Micky Spillane and he should stick to what he knows and rocks - no fiction love okay?)  But the BOOK was the start of it all.  And thanks to HULU plus I'm now watching Cooks Tour which is his small screen start.  what a f'n whining bitch who doesn't want to eat anything!!!!  Dear Lord!  The very people he makes fun of in NR are exactly who he was in Cooks!  and to complicate matters he ended NR by starting mid stream with a show I CRAVE - FREAKING CRAVE called the Layover.  THAT show has me salivating just thinking about it.  So, short of his bad fiction he's a cooking god, tv maverick (hates Rachel Ray - what's not to love?) and made peace with Emeril.  He and Mario are sorta friends and he loves all the offal I do.

wait for it . . . wait for it . . . bam

no it's not another shot at Emeril.  it's that other shoe.  the one that had to fall.

it sorta started with the Chase Sapphire plugs IN THE SHOW.    I know I saw it coming.  I just didn't want to.  He was so punk.  I was so right there with the Dead Kennedy's and Iggy and the Ramones.  He did a show with Queens of the Stone AGE.  He can't sell out.  or can he?

enter. The Taste.

I can't even say it.  Or frankly watch it.  again.

saw 15 minutes.  shut off the tv.  and wanted to eat a quart of hagen daz rum raisin.   Iron Chef is at least cool.  And Alton keeps it snarky.

The Taste isn't bad.  it's just boring.  And that's worse.  I hope that this isn't the end.  I get he's older, married and a daddy.  but.  really?

angels in the architecture

So, I as a human,  tend toward the "looker for answers" in the day to day.   That may come from my Christian upbringing and life in the Church.   I believe that there is meaning in the chaos and that we are not here by some freak random chance.  If you do, well then,  universe, bless your precious little heart.

 I try to see meaning in the things that happen but I don't always see it.  today.  it's rather in the later that it tends to make perfect sense.  I meet people and don't know why until they teach me something about myself.  good bad ugly or just plain eye opening that stops me.  and then I know why.  I needed to learn that.  Yet I know that it's not purely selfish.  I know that I serve a purpose too.  I really try to be salt and light to a world that needs flavor and illumination.  and not mess it up. Yet I do mess it up, sometimes.

I don't do what is needed or right or even called for - a lot.  I can be horribly selfish.  I deserve to be happy. . . .   um says who?  not if it's the wrong thing to do.  and therein lies the rub.  the catch.  the humanity.  

but happily they really are there.

they are if you look.

I'm not talking worship.  not remotely.  just recognition.

there are angels

all around us.

pay attention.

they do have a job to do you know.  They are like bees.

they make something good but will hurt if they have to.

and there are bad ones  - but their names are different.  demonic and sad and very angry.

look around and see them.  see the angels in the architecture.  all around us.  there is good.

Okay really?

So - upon driving my children to school - in this month of reprieve and reinvention - I have listened to a lot of radio.   MOST of which there are not enough forks in the world to JAM into my eyeballs to make enjoyable.  I DO thank the sun moon stars and any fake god that made Iheartradio on my Apple thingies possible.   BUT I do hear the gossip and "whats happening in the media universe" for that 4 trip process.  (two kids at 6:45 - one lone child at 7:30)

Okay.  There is rape. genocide. our borders are past being invaded .  our stupid demonazi president wants to take our rights away. . . (oh did I say that out loud?) sorry.

The biggest topic is . . . .  a freaking Volkswagon commercial that has NOT even yet aired during the Super Stupid.  I mean Bowl.  Bowl.. Right.  Super Bowl.

Apparently.  Affecting a Jamaican accent when you are White.  makes you racist.

Hello?

So.  there are NO white Jamaicans?

I saw the commercial and it's funny.  AND = bit of news here . . . IT's a f'n commercial.

It is supposed to be a wee bit off.  and make you WANT whatever the hell they are spending 60 trillion dollars a millisecond to air.

I don't really like football.  NOW the Puppy Bowl?  yeah.  I like puppy's alright but I'm not stupid.  I squeeeee every time I see one.  Hmmmm - let me pull out my genius IQ to think about this . . . . Puppy Bowl - designed for the chicks who are not so down with football?  Um - geez? ya think?

I am not from Jamaica.  Though I freaking rock the accent.  AND know that for the most part if we are to do the generalization that EVERY place that sells what they want you to LOVE about A (AKA Jamaica - or so I've heard since I personally have NEVER been hint freaking hint hint) PLACE. . . . They prolly won't mind if you make the "GENERALIZATION" positive.  like this place is amazing.  paradise.  right?  Unless of course you are . . . SOME White chick from a lame marketing company in "who the hell cares NY" borough.  Upper East Side I'm betting. SHE is super pissed off about the whole thing.  right.  I have bigger problems lady.  really.

I'm just saying.  Yeah.  Gun Laws?  Gun Laws only affect the good people.  They really really really really really really really DON'T fix a GOD DAMN thing!  No law abiding citizen who would actually abide by said law would DO what these nut bags do and have done.  I say - really.  Make it all fair game for like um - a year.  Darwin law I guess.  I'm kidding a bit.  I can shoot so - well.? . .  bring it dick.

If you really foolishly think gun laws will make our country safer . . .  really?  you are a special kind of stupid and delusional.  History has proven over and over and well, over.  If it gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that YOUR bodyguard has a gun to watch over you but NO BODY else has one . . . then you would be Rosie O'Donnell or our President.  Either way arrogant and misguided.

I know I'm at this moment making HUGE enemies of people who probably ALREADY hate me  - and I say,  well.  So?

I'm not Jamaican.  wish I was really.  I could be the cool redheaded chick with the super TAN.   and that amazing accent.

Really? folks.  I wish America could get their head out of their ass (yeah just one) and get what it means to be American.  I get multicultural.  OMG I live in Hispanic/Burka wearing/Korean town!   I am the token white chick.  I was interviewed.

But America is not about tying hands its about freedom.  Last I checked.  You can burn my flag. And all I can do is cry.  You can trash my God and all I can do is pray for you.  You come to take my freedom?  You better back up because I am not from Jamaica.  I'm an American.

Busted

Okay.  I admit.  I like quality.  I do.  Finely made shoes.  right.  If you have had a pair of well made shoes you know that there is. YES there is a difference than what you could get at Walmart.  There just is.  It's in the craftsmanship and about a grand.  or more.

I don't have that.  Nor could this little Lutheran girl from Wisconsin who still thinks Starbucks over charges for freaking bean water that you could make very nicely yourownself. . . . do that either.    BUT  I get and understand a quality product.   Handmade is my favorite type of product since I am a dyed in the wool crafter - knitter, seamstress, beader and all around crazy person with pointy sticks and hooks.  I have worked with fabric that cost over $100 a yard.  could I tell?  not always.  Sometimes it was a ton per yard because some body's name was on the label.  Sometimes it melted like butter under my fingers and I wanted to do really really naughty things with it.  (I did not - for the record have sex with that . . .  um just sayin)

But sometimes it's quality and sometimes it's just a name.   That "Just A Name" gets me every time.

I like German cars.  I do.  I'm German (mostly).  Their engineers do some amazing things to automobiles that go really far fairly fast and do it so so nice and tight.  (I like my cars nice and tight - like Rick likes his eggs.)

I completely understand that sense of quality and pride in a well made product.  I stood behind my cushions (or for that matter sat ON my cushions) 100%.  My stuff - for the most part was as near perfect as humanly possible.  I wanted to be known for  excellence!  But my products were one of a kind.  ONE of a kind.  You couldn't go to Walmart and get what I made.  You couldn't even go to the Coach outlet and get what I made.  Coach cranks out their stuff one after another and you could be standing next to her at Starbucks.  Same purse.  AWKWARD!  does that mean I didn't squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee when i found a Coach purse just sitting there all happy to see ME for 10 bucks at Goodwill.  HELL NO.  I NEVER said they were poorly made.  I just won't pay 200 bucks for a purse that most likely will never have more than 7 tubes of lipgloss, 17 bottles of nail polish, a file,  horribly scratched up sunglasses from the dollar store (the poor ray bans are beyond hope) and about 56 dollars in nickels and penny's in it.

This blog is actually not about purses.  shocking I know right?  I am not the purse girl.  Boots?  hell yeah - but also not it.  I am a total boots whore.  Have more than 20 pair.  yeah.  guilty.  THIS is about yarn.  and I'm sure that I may have to continue this to a different day since now all of you have drifted off into a drooling coma of "yarn?" who cares?

I am all over the Internet these days.  I want to make this certain sweater.  It will become my uniform of the day.  like an everyday are you kidding me? take it off? NO way! sort of garment.  but it's designed to be made of that most amazing of fibers - one that starts harsh and almost crispy and then ages FOREVER into this gorgeous and lovely hand (that's fiber talk -  for it starts out stupid hard and gets like butter the more you wear it and wash it)  That fiber is of course  - linen.  I need 4/5 skeins.  they go for 25 bucks a pop.  Did I mention I'm doing all the heavy lifting here?  I'm making this thing out of sticks and string.  I will go from TOTALLY naked to clothed and ready for public viewing with just these few slight of hand tricks (and some blocking and sewing and other REALLY boring knitting finishing things we all hate but are totally important).   SO - again.  It's a quality thing.

Point of reference.  I am 43 years old and know what I like and what I do not thank you :D  I love yarn and am a horrible horrible snob.  BUT I will certainly NOT wear the fantastic alpaca/wool sweater I knit several years ago - AGAINST MY BARE SKIN.  why? you dear reader would ask?  You made it - for your body.  right.  short answer - because it itches like a MOFO.  BUT let me wear it with a turtleneck under - give me the matching hat,scarf and gloves I made and I'll KILL YOU at king of the hill.

Point is - different fabrics - different properties.  Different levels of awesome!

My daughter asked me to make her a sweater.  She designed it after a sweatshirt that she loves.  It's a bit of the batwing construction.  MOM, please take off the hood - make this part a little longer - oh and make it in stripes.    sure.

I know my daughter.  I would have run out and bought really expensive wool but it would end up in the washer without my knowledge and then only fit our smallest dog.  Or then what about a sort of expensive wool blend?  Okay that's what I set out to do but they didn't have the color she wanted.  So I broke code.  She got the cheap but soft yarn that is IMHO crap.  complete total 100% acrylic crap.  I will do it in good faith anyway.  There will still be love and care and design put into it but starting with crap materials has me a bit vexed.  I may scrap her yarn and find better.  Though damn it is soft.  But I know it doesn't last.  It pills like an SOB.  However, she's 11.  This is my last child and it's not an heirloom design - so I should just shut up and knit.  Walmart carries the crap if I get into a bind and need another skein.

just saying.   I am working through spending 120 bucks on string that I know will make me an amazing sweater that I could very well be mummified in and come out wearable for the excavation crew.

Or I just keep trolling the Internet or thrift stores for a linen yarn for cheap.  My guess is it's there.  I just gotta look hard enough.  Quality.  it's not a bad thing.

a long time ago

So a long time ago in a galaxy.......  Jeez.  I wish I had a Galaxy.  Flat black. 5 speed.  frankengearshift. yum.

Sorry.  I like old cars.  Especially of the Ford variety.  ugh sidebar.

So a long time ago - even before I knew who Anthony Bourdain was.  Yeah that long ago.  I was a nursing mother and my then Husband and father to my progeny preached in our then church aka "cult of the holy reproduction."  His sermon was called - "Where is your passion?"  A fantastic and beautiful question.  I'm not sure if he's found his.  I most certainly haven't found mine.  I've certainly been passionate ABOUT things.  I really love God.  I really don't think abortion is great but unless you've been a scared woman/girl with no one to back her nor offer her help to make right on the life she is carrying you better shut up and not judge her.  I was both judge and jury once.  And then I was humbled.  just sayin.  don't judge anybody.  let God do that.  we are here to love.  R vs W was 40 this last week and I really hate that.  but then.  it's not all that important.  If God's people rise up and make places for these women to feel safe and loved.  Abortion - though legal would not even be an issue.  Just because someone CAN do something doesn't mean they will if the LIGHT shines brighter than the dark and seemingly -  only choice.

Sorry. Again.  Passion.

T.  asked this congregation to think about what they valued.  and really.  This is still an uber valuable question.  And one that still to this day some (gah. almost 13 years) later resonates within me.  I'm not saying what do you like.  I'm talking passion.  What makes you moan?  even if it's not in a sexual way but in a oh my GOD this tastes/smells/is so interesting/is so beautiful/look at the photo of that tree I just took/pintrest/ sort of way. . .

Okay if you are just joining us.  I can't eat most food.  I'm lactose intolerant so Dairy is out most days.  I'm currently out of the product called "Lactaid which does allow me "SORT OF" to eat SOME dairy (okay a tiny bit if truth be told - personally I think it's crap since I still get sick so I've stopped buying it.) and I can't eat wheat, oats nor grains.   I'm thinking buckwheat may be a go and may give it a shot.  But I can't eat bread/pizza/sandwiches/noodles/pasta/happiness/sunshine/freaking ponies nor unicorns.

I drink/eat my body weight daily in wine and rice.  I live on them almost exclusively.  and then there is that one thing.

that one.  beef heart.  ANGELS ARE SINGING > > > > > no?    Repulsed you are?  I challenge anyone to try my MY personal beef heart recipe and NOT like it.  MONEY back guarantee. How do I know it's good?  My 11 year old daughter tried it on a dare and now will eat it faster than I can.  SHE actually asks me to make it.   I make it taste like the leanest steak you will ever taste but it's mouth feel is so amazing.  I use marrow bones.  and roast them for a very very long time.  It doesn't have to be complicated but. . . . the question was - where is your passion.  My passion is making offal. . . not.

My heart is in this.  I crave it.  I wake up some mornings and crave PHO.  really.  if you have never had it.  find it.  your city has to have it.  chances are it's pho 234,pho 56, pho 456.  It's an address thing.  Get the fish soup.  get the big bowl.  thank me later.  it will feed more than your stomach.  your senses  - the ones that you forgot about.  your passion if you will - will awaken.  Thank me later and either dedicate it to me or name it after me.  whatever.  knit me something.  whatever.

so my passion?  guess what?  still don't know.  maybe it's what I'm doing right this happy happy second.  drinking cheap wine. writing and spilling what I think I know to the unsuspecting but seemingly receptive public.  I'd be a porn star if I had a) nice tits. and b) see A.  and was maybe 20 years younger.  OH and I didn't have kids.  and could only do it with my beloved.  yeah there's that.  So well shucks.  that I guess disqualifies me.  darn.  So hoping to never teach school in my later life.

so I guess.  the question still is hanging like ripe fruit from a late summer tree. . . what is your passion?  what do you personally make time for and then complain you don't THEN have time for?  If you want to be slimmer and then sit in front of a TV/Computer whatever and eat and then bitch you are too fat and don't have time to work out?  lie.

get out and unplug and go for a freaking walk.  it's too cold?  get a hat.

I sound bitchy but I broke things a while ago.  I get the "can't" run.  I still went for a bike ride.  I still did sit ups.  why?  it's my passion.  I ran a marathon.  yeah.  my one.  I didn't like the process.  maybe will again when kids are in college.  I get obsessed.  I can make my body do things it's not so happy to do but does anyway.  but I get selfish in the process.  So?  I limit myself to 40 miles a week and then we stop.  and 100 miles on the bike.  you realize I'm home 24/7 when I get outside job all bets are off .  . . depending on whether I'm a personal trainer.  or not.  kidding.  not really.  lol  That is a passion.  I like pushing my body to limits and knowing what I can and cannot do.  Heights?  Not my thing.  Spinning?  not my thing.  Weird food?  bring it.

So again.  My 11 year old daughter craves my personal version of heart.  tell me it is not awesome?

I want to share.  but huh?  maybe I don't .  Oxtails.  One of my personal absolute favorites.  are suddenly going up in price.  DAMN it.

DON'T eat Beef Heart.  It's horrible.  stay away.  lol.

I bought Kitchen Confidential.  And read it for the 5th time.  but this time it's mine.  I want to write.  and then be on TV.  or the radio.  let's be honest - I have a face for radio.    but I give some good voice.

I can talk.  If you've spent 5 minutes with me you know I can talk.  I may be a bit nervous and awkward, but I can talk.

Where is your passion?

I run.  I knit.  I like beads.  I love God/Jesus.  I love my family.  I love sex.  I love wine and good food that I've made. And I love what I'm doing right this second.  I'm sharing what I think with the universe. I really would love if a million people got this - but I know it's more like 5.  and that is beautiful.

where is your YOUR passion?  find it.  it really is important.  it may not become your job/employment but it's super important to who you are.  you really need to know.

just sayin.