Tuesday, December 25, 2012

let the games begin


I am sort of unemployed.  "sort of" since I'm still a consultant but "unemployed" since the day after
Christmas when other humans have to work I'm not required to.  BUT I want to though.  I want to drive the 6.2 miles to the office formerly known as mine and key contracts that normally I would hate - and deal with sales people that normally annoy the hell out of me and get screamed at by customers over lost shirts and pants.  Long and short of it - I want my normal back.  but normal is gone.  fact is - I quit.  Jacki is in my chair and tomorrow I don't get to.

Tomorrow I can sleep til noon but I won't.  I can run 10 miles and I will.  I can knit my fingers off and I'll try.

I don't know how to do nothing.  and frankly I don't think that's bad.  When I tell people I'm never EVER bored unless I'm stuck at the mercy of someone else without a book or my knitting bag I'm not kidding.  alone in my own house with my 10000000000000000 tons of yarn and beads.  . . .   um I'm good.  

I'm actually golden.

as a career I want to do something cool.  I really have applied to be a special ed sub.  it doesn't pay crap really but I'm thinking  the pay it forward thing has to rock.  I like putting into the universe more than you could know since I've seen the dividends from that.  somehow - crazy - I know right? somehow they end up better than you would think.  almost like the creator of the universe was in on it.  crazy huh?

Tomorrow I start writing also.  HUH? you say, you write all the time.   no I mean book starts.  Okay spoiler - I've started a while ago.  I just need to give it guts and an ending.  BUT

HERE's a cool thing,  I want to write a short.

If you are in I am all about it and I'm throwing it into the FB world too.

"What do you hate and how do you deal?"  I want to write about the things or TYPES of people (no names please) you hate abhor cant stand dislike detest despise and how you deal.  WHAT do you do that allows you to get through it.  how. what where and why.  If you share I'll write about it.  you won't get dime one from it but that's the joy of sharing.  you shared - I published.  Chances are I won't make a penny on it but it's a great idea imho.

share.  please.  Your name will go into it.  I pay to publish it.  If you share you get a copy.  Be creative.

just sayin.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


wow. is being married to a human who has the other body parts from you REALLY that difficult?  I'd say i guess it must be.  given the relative discord I get from the married vibe around me.  EXCEPT that the first whack I had at being married for me didn't really suck til the very end.  I have to say that I usually "dislike strongly" people who have nothing but bad to say about their spouses!  You picked that bitch/jerk.  I may have divorced Tim but I still like him.  Love even.  I just can't be the wife.  I don't understand a huge level of dislike if you personally picked them.  I get people change,  OH JESUS I get people change.  And I get tattoos up their heads.  yeah.  I get that.

BUT I also get - don't ask if you don't want to know.

I am losing my crew in 2 days.  I'm a bit sad.  I never ever said i don't love my people.  Just the mafia.  It's a little deep here.  I get that is weird - but Life moves forward without us.   I'm not moving forward on Monday.  My car is stopped.

I love Jacki and she moves in my place.  Huge sigh.  She is going to be my friend.

she knows I'm needing a minute with my people.  Jacki is people too.  (not soylent green though :D )

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

Monday, December 17, 2012


want to have something to say about a person who would murder in cold blood little kids.  so I am going to keep this brief.  But I have been at this "cross roads" so to speak in this whole career thing - and finding out all I gotta do is APPLY to get a sub teaching position kind of gave me pause.  .  . . and then there was Friday.  I'm in.

Here's where I have something to say.  My son has Asperger's.  I'm not going to jump on any self righteous high horse soap box.  Do I think just about anybody could snap and do something horrifically stupid as this individual?  Prolly.

I know a lot of people who the "right ones" have designated as nuts.  could they snap and kill a bunch of people? of course.  I am the LAST person who thinks gun laws are a good idea.  BUT do we need to own assault rifles?  I know a lot of people will say that's the beginning of ALL gun control.  Maybe so.  BUT If I own a gun as protection and can carry it on me at all times - I'm fairly certain I don't need to take out 30 people at a wack.  If I do, I'm a soldier and,  well then - have the hell at it.   If I'm a civilian walking around living life - chances are one gun would suffice and really one barney fife bullet is cool.

I absolutely HATE the safety police.  I do do do do.  Normally I would embrace the darwin law as just super cool karma.  But damn it people - this is so not cool on so many levels.  I don't have an answer.  I should not be in charge.  so therefore I am not.   BUT am I good with being a teacher?  HELL YEAH! Especially special ed.  I always said I only wanted to teach adults.  I'm rethinking this.

I want to make an impact.  I'm done working in corporate leather chair sitting world (really it's vinyl but I want to pretend that it's leather)  formally (until a window opens) in 4 days.   Pray I get some wisdom.  I will write nonstop until I breathe the breath of God and/or get a new gig.

Parting shots.  Asperger's doesn't make you evil.  Guns do kill people.  But not without a trigger man.   Therefore.  People kill people.  so does cancer.  and tornados and random big hail.  and texting while driving.

Bottom line (final one -  really I promise) this life here - what with all the blood and birthing and crying and stuff. . . well this life isn't forever.  IT does actually end.  early.  too early as in kindergarten kids getting gunned downed by a crazed moron.  or at 95 after a long life.  or at 37 of a massive coronary as did someone who was close to my family.   we are not forever here.  I would jump up here at share Jesus now.   . .but if you are reading this you probably already know Him,  or don't want to know HIM and are sick to death of me sharing HIM with you. . . . or hmmmmmm, welcome new friend and if you don't know humans are forever I would love to tell you what I know on a dna level to be true.  Basically I'm at that place that frankly -  if you don't know who Jesus is and haven't really checked HIM out - you must have been in a coma.  or maybe today is YOUR day.  call me. I have some wicked cool stories.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

the island

I come from a long line of mutts and misfits.  A proud lot we are - "not right" soup to nuts but damn we are loyal and our noses are cold so that means we are healthy - right?  I'm also talking about not just bio family  but also those I've claimed as family.  Misfits.  We don't get to pick who we are but hey if there's an island?  Usually cool, right? 

Except I see snow.  Yeah, I get it's all Christmassy and shit but I don't do cold as a general rule.  So MY Island of Misfits is in the Bahamas or somewhere better and nicer and warmer and more amazingly exotic with the best fruit and beach and NO body will find out about us and Anthony Bourdain can come and visit if he keeps his freaking NY hands and voice and NETWORK the hell off of it.  

I see an island that has my freaks and geeks and happy people.  We would read and make things that we would sell at stupid profit because it only comes from my island.  My island is a WIFI hot spot of unprecedented awesomeness.  OUR computers NEVER slow.  We are all Mac all the time.  No one gets fatter than they want to be and nobody has to wear any clothing they don't want to.  We are healthy and happy and we all just smile.  Of course it's heaven like. 

Personally,  I don't think Heaven - (like the real one my mom is very hesitant to visit since all they "do " is sing and she hates singing :D ) is set in the tropics - but heck what do I know about where God lays HIS robe? 

My island would be very much a haven.  You misunderstood?  come.  You sad?  come.  Beaten down?  Come.  I'll feed you.  sun you. relax you.  

I'm going to find that island.  and own it.  even if that island is my house.  I've always been a feeder.  I have the gift of hospitality.  This is not an accident.  

Got an island for sale?  call me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Fate Shmate

SO who believes the world is totally random and nothing but what we do here matters?

Who here thinks that there is a GIANT wheel in the sky that keeps on turning?


Wheel in the sky . . .   (sorry Journey moment)

I think nothing is random but some things that happen are bad.  for a reason.

I don't think that burning up a plane full of people (naughty or nice -  they didn't ask for it that day in 2001) gets you closer to virgins or god or GOD or whatever.  I REALLY hope you (plane crashing moron) are toasting what's left of your chard ass in hell and you are really sorry that the virgins are not real.  In fact I hope it's that YOU that are receiving the .  . . well.  okay enough of the visual.

Totally RANDOM.  Well, I won't disrespect you if you choose that as your philosophy.  I've heard worse.   Yeah preached from a few pulpits I've sat in front of.   But I know the God I know.  I will never ever ram Him down any one's throat.  ever.  God - at least the one,  I know is a gentleman.  He waits until you ask.

or cry.  or


He does show up.

sometimes the baby dies though.

sometimes it's a no.

sometimes your heart breaks anyway and he leaves you anyway and it just blows.

God is still.  there.

I know.

I know it on that cellular level that you can only see through an electron microscope if you are looking really hard,

really hard.

but it's my dna.  not yours.

it's my walk.

not yours.

but again.  it's just my view - my window.  You come here to hear what I say.  nobody says I know everything.  I just like to believe it.  and play one on TV.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

These are not the droids you are looking for . . .

yeah.  damn, I wish I could do that.

I can find lost things. that's my mad skill.  my one trick pony move.  I don't have a skull in a bowling ball (random reference to a movie like all of 14 people saw) but I know my game.  I don't play with this.  I got it going on and that's it.

But DAMN if I did have Jedi Mind tricks - oh the places I would go .  . . . .

I would get a job doing something I love to do.

I would stand.

for more than 10 minutes a day. On purpose.

I would talk and people would listen and think it was a good idea.  what I said. that is.

I would make the money that equals slightly more than what I think I'm worth -  so that I am always striving to be "really" worth it.  and grateful for it.

I would write. a lot.

I would get to talk about what I write. a lot.

I would have a posse.

They would be well paid.

I would not do mindless things for someone who makes several million dollars more than I do.

I would not do mindless things that don't make sense and/or are just "busywork" reports for numbers that mean nothing and spin into nothingness. (I want my hours of life back bravo tango whiskey!)

Basically.  I hate stupid meaningless corporate drivel.

sigh.  I want to back something I love.  someone I love.  A project = a cause - a WHATEVER.  really.  I thought I had it.  I had a person.  He still is great.  but the ride is over.

UFirst.  is not my fun anymore.  I begin training location 201 OA v2 tomorrow.  I got crap for training and I swore up and down I would NOT share what I knew since the company didn't train me and I had to figure it out . .

Well.  As much as I want to be the bad ass here.  I'm not.  the road keeps going even when you step off.  I may be stepping off and going a different trail but UniFirst Manassas keeps on - even without me.  I KNOW RIGHT _ HOW??????  Lord - they will keep on just fine.

I need to dream it up all over again.  I am done with my graceless heart -  . . . gonna cut it out and then restart . . . .

I am thankful for so many many things today.  Colombian Moms. Cake I can't eat but can gift.  Christmas lights that make me smile.

I am so thankful for just breath and life and tears.  I know I'm here.

But man If I could fake it - baby - I'd be in freaking Miami.

sunning my ass.

Gotta learn a new skill.  just sayin.


Saturday, December 8, 2012

"regrets collect like old friends

here to re-live your darkest moments . .  I can see no way I can see no way."

I'm telling you when you latch onto a singer or creative force like I have there is so much that just gets peeled back.  Much like an orange.  The outer layer is so useful - when extracted it can be usefed and put back into it's place - but - really, it's the KIND OF BELOW THE SURFACE PITH stuff that bitters it all up.  What you are really going for is whats under all that.  That is where the real fruit is.  Past the ugly - and bitter - is the good stuff.  I'm trying to get past the ugly into the good.  I've already explored the bad.  Bad is just, well, bad.  It's unpleasant.  And it doesn't suit me. It's the rotten taste you have when you know something someone you loved, or still do, or claimed to - says something that smells - well?, off.   It's also known as a lie.  Women can smell them if they are paying real attention.  I can smell a lie from 50 yards.   I've ignored a metric ton of them.  they all smell the same.  They smell like Hell.  burnt and sorry.

But when I discover an author I love - LORD I read up on them til they have nothing more to say. I wring them dry like a dishrag.  Singer/songwriter?well ditto.  Then you (read - me but I got sick of saying "I" and stealing all the attention). Then YOU hit upon someone who is just crazy.  She is who you would have been.  she is freaking amazing and to meet her would be stupid.  But then.  she is just as much a human as you are and you don't get star struck because you could be that star in a matter of years.  SINCE you just know your book idea is way better than Julie and Julia and Eat Pray Love put together.  imho.  I mean iYho.

I try to stay grounded (lol - I'm grounded - my kids will love that) I would beLiz Gilbert if I did not have kids.  and had lived in NY.  Angst is angst no matter the state or status.  teen or 30's. it's there.  mine is just going to be WAY ICKIER and super duper honest.

wow regrets.  they are a changing.  lol.  nope.  times yes.  regrets are set.

I regret a time in my life that set the stage for a time and space continuum  that only a select few will know.   yes.  1991.  should have been different.   if someone has a hot tub - message me.

flash forward.

every demon wants his pound of flesh
I like to keep some things to my self
I like to keep my issues drawn
it's always darkest before the dawn.

I can never leave the past behind.

I can see no way I can see no way - I'm always dragging that horse around.

I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. . . .

hell YES.

It's a fine romance and if given half a chance would I take any of it back . . . shake it off . . . . oh oh oh shake it off.

and I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't ..

Friday, December 7, 2012

MP3 killed the Video Star...

okay. damn.  I'm really going to date stamp myself here. .  but,  I was ACTUALLY there when Video (aka the Buggles) Soooooo presumptuously announced that the Radio Star had been  - quote *killed* unquote.

I really did believe it to be so - even without a body.  That was - of course until MTV stopped playing music and then suddenly it was all "realworld and cribs and well, cribs . . . and well . . um . .. . . " really that's all I got cuz I stopped watching 20 years ago.  Puck was cool for like - 3 seconds and then I thought - "this is stupid."

Radio is more alive than ever.  yet so so so different than the rammed down your throat programming of my youth.  But frankly everything about music is different and I don't know if it's super better or worse for musicians.  I know a lot of people in music and it seems apropos to quote the old again "the times they are a changing!"

I remember a conversation my T and I had Many Many moons ago as itunes was beginning to surface (yes I am that old.) About how buying individual songs was going to kill the artist as the ALBUM creator and that musicians were going to just do the one-off songs and that the album - CD even- was going to die since people were going to pick and choose the songs THEY liked instead of the whole album as envisioned by the artist.  You could skip the song you didn't like but you had to own it  - as it was in the past.  Now you can buy 4 songs and be done.

Personally?  okay.  I'm not a musician.  I don't even play one on tv.  I can sing when pressed to.  and when alone in the car - really really loud.  But I'm the "buy what I like and skip what I don't girl." UNLESS I LOVE THE ARTIST TO DEATH.  then the album just comes to me full force.  via itunes.  I don't buy cd's ever.  anymore.  it's all digital.  all the devil's music of the AIR - lol!   (little family humor)  It used to bother me but I've become a complete music whore.  I hear a song I like - song is on the radio - shazam  (a song listening app for the iphone that hears and tells you who it is) - I know who it is - tap to buy instantly!  UGH - it's horrible in it's awesomeness!

No more holding the tape deck up to the radio after listening ALL DAMN DAY only to have to pee and hear your song come on and have to run to catch it mid stream (so to speak - lol)

Music has been said to be from the devil since Lucifer was (allegedly) the Angel in charge of music.  It would make a lot of sense given what music can do to people.  I know personally music is a part of my everyday if not MOST of my day.  I am always listening to something - happily handpicked by me in a style I'm wanting for the day.  I would say I watch music videos for maybe an hour while running on the treadmill - 3 hours per week - bounced between VH1 jumpstart and Palladia videos.  Radio?  quite literally 70 hours a week.  I'm always listening to music.  I am right now.  Calvin Harris radio and that will be a future post.  The DJ as artist.  But - I'm done here tonight.

If you have a comment I'd love to hear it.  I'm t minus 2 weeks til unemployed but looking to write.  breathe. clean. run. craft. create.  and if it makes some coin.  bonus!  Peace.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Dog Days are over...

Can you hear the horses? . . . cuz here they come .   . . .

WOW you gotta love freaking "in your face" symbols

Dog Days:
What do you think of?  DOG DAYS make me think of a very regional place and time.  I think of County Park in Winneconne, Wisconsin.  Where I grew up.  I loved my town - still do.  It's a river town which gives it the same cool of "money comes when it's warm" features that makes it a "destination" in a guidebook that I still need to write.  Winneconne was and still is a very very NICE place to live.  I'm proud to have spent my first 17 years there.  Wisconsin, much like the upper midwest will season you or frankly -  kill you.  simple as that.  It's freaking hot and then freaking cold and in fall and spring - could be both in the same damn day.  I have used the heater and AC in the same day.  Insert WI joke here.

But what I remember most is it was hot in the summer.  I lived in a really really big house with no AC.  in the summer - the hot - the dog days so to speak we all slept down stairs - yeah I know - totally ghetto - but it was 3500 sq ft of 3 story goodness I wish for the love of God I'd bought.  but I didn't.  Still.  I remember dog days which meant to me dead fish washed up on the beach and crayfish (aka crawdads) it was the hottest of the hot and deepest point of summer.  I didn't dislike it at all.  In fact I really really liked it.  It made me feel alive.  Hot - Africa hot - makes me happy.  . . .  .. . . . . if i'm not wearing work clothes that mean I have transition between subarctic AC and AFRICA within the day.  that makes me sad.  and sticky.  And super hating AC.  I was raised w/o.  cool w/o  - even in VA.  Open the gd windows folks make way for fans and not a lot of sheets.  Course I have very low body fat so that means no insulation hence the heat factor but well just sayin.  I like it HOT!

Wiki sez:

The Romans referred to the dog days as diēs caniculārēs and associated the hot weather with the star Sirius. They considered Sirius to be the "Dog Star" because it is the brightest star in the constellation Canis Major (Large Dog). Sirius is also the brightest star in the night sky. The term "Dog Days" was used earlier by the Greeks (see, e.g., Aristotle's Physics, 199a2).
The Dog Days originally were the days when Sirius rose just before or at the same time as sunrise (heliacal rising), which is no longer true, owing to precession of the equinoxes. The Romans sacrificed a brown dog at the beginning of the Dog Days to appease the rage of Sirius, believing that the star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather.
Dog Days were popularly believed to be an evil time "the Sea boiled, the Wine turned sour, Dogs grew mad, and all other creatures became languid; causing to man, among other diseases, burning fevers, hysterics, and phrensies." according to Brady’s Clavis Calendaria, 1813.[1]

WELL then.  I guess my happy memory meets Florence+and the BIBLE lol

Matthew 24

New International Version (NIV)

The Destruction of the Temple and Signs of the End Times

24 Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. “Do you see all these things?” he asked. “Truly I tell you, not one stone here will be left on another;every one will be thrown down.”
As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”
Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.
“Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10 At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11 and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
15 “So when you see standing in the holy place ‘the abomination that causes desolation,’[a] spoken of through the prophet Daniel—let the reader understand— 16 then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. 17 Let no one on the housetop go down to take anything out of the house. 18 Let no one in the field go back to get their cloak.19 How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! 20 Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. 21 For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now—and never to be equaled again.
22 “If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. 23 At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Messiah!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it.24 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect. 25 See, I have told you ahead of time.
26 “So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the wilderness,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it. 27 For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. 28 Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather.
29 “Immediately after the distress of those days
“‘the sun will be darkened,
    and the moon will not give its light;
the stars will fall from the sky,
    and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.’[b]
30 “Then will appear the sign of the Son of Man in heaven. And then all the peoples of the earth[c] will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory.[d] 31 And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.
32 “Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[e] is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. 35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away

"Dog Days Are Over"

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run


Sunday, December 2, 2012

My body


My body senses the shift.  I try to be that rock.  That completely in control unless an outside agent that YOU all know and see me drinking  -  then I'm not in total control.  Right. '

"Cuz,  I say WHO, I say HOW much," (to quote Pretty Woman).

I am letting go.  Into the abyss.  Into the unknown.

When we moved here - HERE btw is Virginia.  FROM - was originally Wisconsin and then briefly IL (I won't even spell it since I hated that f'n state - not the friends - just the state and 10% taxes!) When we moved here - I was in a bit of state of shock.  Too much had happened too fast.  A long time ago I was diagnosed with the below:
Dissociative disorders can be defined as conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation, a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. Dissociative disorders are thought to primarily be caused by psychological trauma.
The five dissociative disorders listed in the DSM IV are as follows[1]:
  • Depersonalization disorder: periods of detachment from self or surrounding which may be experienced as "unreal" (lacking in control of or "outside of" self) while retaining awareness that this is only a feeling and not a reality.
I can turn it off and on.  I have actually learned to do this because I know "normal" people don't do this and I'd like to live my life among the mostly "non-medicated- free-to-do-their-bidding folk".. . .   but

my body knows something big is looming.  How do I know?  I have a horrible eye twitch.  My left eye has completely freaked out.  thank god it's not my left foot.  (DDL would never forgive me!)

When I set out to divorce T. my eye would NOT stop twitching.  I'm talking months.  Drove me nuts.  (wait - already there :D )

You can stuff all you want into that potato sack you are carrying.  At some point it just gets too f'n heavy.  

I trained to run a marathon last year.

It became my OCD focus.  In the process I nearly killed my kidneys,  since I thought that water would suffice as replacement for lost body fluid on my many 20 mile runs.  I ran every single day - at least 10 miles. mostly more.  For 8 months.  And I did the marathon in 3:43.  not bad for an over trained nubie!

But sometimes it takes more than water.  

Now, I'm a smart woman and yet I wasn't listening to my basic core.  My kidneys spoke with the only voice they had.  they bled.  I relied on drugs and the doctor.  Jesus.  FREAKING Gatorade would have done the trick.  I just was too "focused" to pay attention to what was really happening.  That seems to be the worst thing I can do.  I need to see from 30,000 ft.  not 2 inches.

or maybe - it's a combination of both.

I guess it's the control factor.  Control is a HUGE thing in my life.  It is all based around - "Who thinks they have it, who wants it and who REALLY has it?"  I gave it away to someone who didn't want it too early and then there is someone who wants it ALL but I won't give it. 

I have decided I need to keep all of it to myself.  And give carte blanche to HIM.  No -  I'm not becoming a nun!  LOL that is SUPER AWESOME funny stuff.!  but I've decided as did Vivian - I decide who - I decide how much.

I like to know that when pushed to violence I choose well.  Let that rest on my side.

Let it also be said that should no job present itself into my VERY front of seat perched lap - I will make a way.  I created a business out of nothing in 1998.  I could barely sew and yet I KNEW I had no limits.

I see none today either.  

bring it.

Listening is still Peter Gabriel.  I listened to this same album a million times before my divorce.  somehow it seemed apropos. of nothing but a shipwreck.  river deep can you lift up and carry me?

river - carry me high till the washing of the water make it all all right let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight  . . . .

"Washing Of The Water"

River, river carry me on
Living river carry me on
River, river carry me on
To the place where I come from

So deep, so wide, will you take me on your back for a ride
If I should fall, would you swallow me deep inside

River, show me how to float
I feel like I'm sinking down
Thought that I could get along
But here in this water
My feet won't touch the ground
I need something to turn myself around

Going away, away towards the sea
River deep, can you lift up and carry me
Oh roll on though the heartland
'Til the sun has left the sky
River, river carry me high
'Til the washing of the water make it all alright
Let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight

Letting go, it's so hard
The way it's hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with thing
'Cause if I follow through
I face what I denied
I get those hooks out of me
And I take out the hooks that I sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away



Saturday, December 1, 2012

Shaving 101 - aka

Occam's Razor.

I will never pretend to not be a bit of a snob.  Okay - I'm a HUGE snob.  to MY perceived "arrogant." One of the best friends in my life can't spell rack.  He can't spell fender.  Shit,  he 'prolly can't spell shit.   But Goldberg has Occam's Razor in his FREAKING back pocket.

I'm personally telling you all that for the love of GOD - my next tattoo should be
LEX PARSIMONIAE- loosely translated into Katie-speak - KEEP IT SIMPLE SMARTIE!

I complicate the simple and make the complicated beyond the unmanageable!

I have officially and completely resigned my post as OA of Uni. Manassas..   That was hugely hard and also the easiest and yes, Spock - THE most LOGICAL thing to do.  as logic stands.  Now I get to train the woman who replaces me.  takes my chair.  basically does what I do and gasp - perhaps - does it better.  Actually - I hope she loves it.  she has worked for a tyrant so she will LOVE working for someone who will treat her like gold.

I am jumping from the Lions Head - into ?

Yet I am trying not to "Katie" this thing ALL UP!.  TRYING not to be dissecting every piece every thought every whatever could have happened into a frenzy of what could have beens.  I'm done working for a company I really didn't like -  that basically rented shirts pants and rags and really didn't do that great a job at any of it.   I had zero power to fix any of the things I got screamed at by customers and didn't get incentive to be better at anything other than what came out of my own personal conscience.  I guess the latest news is that due to an OA uprising they (aka) Corporate HR is "thinking of looking into" complaints lodged that OA's get no bonuses but every other (99% male) management position does.  ummmm.  yeah.  deuces.  peace out on that.

I stopped caring months ago and for me that was my sign.  I have to care about what I'm doing or I'm way better at doing ANYTHING else.  and when a company is paying me for X and I'm doing W -  frankly I'm stealing and I don't respect thieves.  so - I know I want to do what I want to do and that's not what I am doing so I am going to do something ELSE.  :D  suddenly I'm thinking of Paul  - " what I do I don't want to  . . . " lol little WLC humor there!

Basically this post - for lack of a better theme is Keeping it REAL.  REALality is  that I need to do something productive.  If it made some shekels - that would rock.  If it made a LOT of shekels - obviously that would rock more.  There are some bills involved with kids and frankly we do need to eat a few times a day.  Apparently - support has become a thing of memory and well - I guess - we just ride here since I try to always be the high road rider.  Not happy but we are not starving  - so well. . .  it is what it is as we say in WI.

I have a few great people on this for me - and basically anyone who finds me THE job will get a finders fee.  Based on the person - I guess they get to pick the fee. :D

So in keeping the razor analogy - the simplest things mean the most. Shave it til it's real.  Beyond skin.  take it to the core.  The things that define us are what and who we are and also should translate into what we do.

 I need to communicate.  I need to fix.  I am stupid empathic - I am a problem solver - outside of the box thinker - I read people and their needs - I very often know why people do the things they do - even the stupid things.  I am super unconventional - (really?  yeah I know right!)  I like to butt myself into situations and own them - then try to impart my "wisdom" into them to try to make things balance.  (I'm a Libra BTW)  I like when people are partnered and happy.   I am a dyed in the wool matchmaker.  I talk with my hands.  I am passionate to the death.  and a bit shy sometimes.
I drink wine because it makes me honest.  I try to hide nothing - in vino veritas.
I run for the very same reason.  running keeps me very honest.

I make things with my hands that other people pay to have made or done for them because I'm arrogant.   and horribly cheap.  I look at a scarf and KNOW I could do it.  I learned to knit in 2nd grade.  My mom couldn't teach me to sew because we spoke different languages then.  I spoke "I know it all" and she spoke - um "no you don't"   frankly she was much more fluent than I.

I still learned despite the language barrier.  Sewing is my second crafting language.  Knitting my first.  I could knit you a missile.  even if there were a penguin on the telly.

I can crochet - I can crochet awesome pasties.  (if made of licorice rope the pronunciation doesn't matter)

Basically.  here's where Katie meets World.  I want to matter.   reduce it to the basest level.

Peter Gabriel - US

I need to be needed.  I want to wanted.  I love to loved.

this way of behaving - don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore


"Love To Be Loved"
(Aaaaahi, byeeee)

So, you know how people are
When it's all gone much too far
The way their minds are made
Still, there's something you should know
That I could not let show
That fear of letting go

And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved [x2]
Yes, I love to be loved

I cry the way that babies cry
The way they can't deny
The way they feel
Words, they climb all over you
'Til they uncover you
From where you hide

And in this moment, I need to be needed
When my self-esteem is sinking, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear,
I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved [x2]
Oh I love to be loved

This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe

And I let go [x2]
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved

Yes I love to be loved
I love to be loved

I love to be loved
I love to be loved
Yes I love to be loved