Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Civil Inattention

Civil Inattention is what we as Americans do when we don't want to appear rude. or caring. or looking at someone in the "wrong way."  I first learned about the term in college and it always struck me as horribly Midwest.  We don't want anyone to think we "noticed" anything odd about them . . .  ugh.  I wish it didn't exist.  I wish I didn't do it.  I do. And have done -  but honestly I wish I didn't have to.

That person on social media ranting about XYZ cause that she really knows fuck all about because she's never really experienced anything in life but an education and thinks she knows it all and all you want to do is take her to task on it  - so you start.  And then delete.  Because you know a virtual war is meaningless and no one learns anything and there is nothing but bad words and backlash.  If I've learned nothing in life and dear Lord Jesus -  I have to believe that after almost 45 years I'm not as fucking dumb as I look - kindness really is the best cure.  I've wanted revenge for so many years on someone who really did the kind of damage it takes years of therapy and thousands of dollars to fix and what my God (I say mine not like I own Him but because others have their own version - I'm in the Jehovah/Yahweh camp) did to him and his family was a revenge I could never ever invent but personally I'm going to write about it.  Classic - God - you rock.  But frankly - I don't do revenge because I can't.  I take scripture too too seriously and "REVENGE IS MINE SAYETH THE LORD" yeah.  He got this. 

So anywho... There are people who need an education.  In truth.  Justice. I hate Civil Inattention.  It makes us walk around blind to our surroundings.  I am seeing better lately.  must be the new contacts.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

allergic reactions

I literally remember having mittens tied to my hands as a child.   No  - I wasn't part of some crazy cult  - unless you consider Wisconsin a cult (and it very well may be  - all cold and shit  ugh :D )  Actually the mittens were to prevent me from waking up to a bloody mess of scratching my arms in my sleep.

I am - and apparently HAVE been -  allergic to a lot of things.  mostly topical and yet very recently - internally - aka FOOD.

I remember my childhood and then adolescent years as a blur of things making my skin better or worse but no real answers since none were really sought.   Nummular Eczema was the technical term.  All I know is my HS photos needed HUGE photo shopping even in the world before that was even cool.  

On my own dime as an adult I finally got the tests that confirmed what I suspected.  I am allergic to nearly fucking everything.  Some chemicals more than others - yet I still flirt with the devil now and then to see what I get away with but the consensus is still normally the same.  If it's not plant derived and there are preservatives in it I can't use it on my skin.   Food is a whole different demon.  I can't eat wheat though I've been experimenting.  Milk is still taboo - and now the lactose pills don't work.  Even the really expensive ones.  If there's milk in it - I will know it.  And if you are standing next to me in the elevator you may too.  :D

I can only use laundry detergent that has no perfumes or color.  WELL, we purchased a front load deally a bit ago and the funny thing about the washer not using a ton of water is that they FREAKING stink right off!  I bleach everything so this funky smell was super off-putting in my camp.   So against my better judgment I okayed these washer bead things.  HORRIBLE skin reaction but damn did my washer smell good.  My kids don't react to things as bad as I do.  So I let them - since they do their own laundry but mine can have NONE of it.

The latest BAD skin (for me) incident involved a tank top and Rit dye.   I had a tank top that had been bleach stained so Trinity and I dyed some clothes purple to get rid of the stains.  They turned out great.  We washed them numerous times.  I put my tank on for bed.   Within 20 minutes I was freaking out.   My torso (no bra mind you) was on fire with hives.  Benedril helped a bit.  I woke up at 3 uberitchy and wanting to drug myself except I have kids to drive to school at 6:45am.  So I sucked it up and just scratched my nasty self into oblivion. 

I can have 6 strawberries without hives.  I can now eat a bit of pizza crust but no cheese.  Greek Yogurt is completely off limits . . . unless I want to offend everybody within  a 10 block radius. 

I don't know if wheat will ever come back to me but I'm pushing some boundaries.  

Skin things I don't think I can ever fix.  I can never ever ever never never ever dye my hair with chemical hair dye.  Henna or nothing.  I'm actually okay with that since I am the poster child for how amazing Henna is.  I have the most healthy thick hair that nearly hits my ass since it grows almost a foot a year.  Yeah - it's red and that works for me.  I have to import it from the middle east but better that than gas.  Parabens.  Can't touch them.  Literally.  There are 6 types and all are horrible to me.  They are cheap preservatives.  I hate them all.  I have to take rings off if I use hand lotion because if they sit inside  - my hands blow up like Micky Mouse.  

Nickel in any jewelry is certain death.  Or snaps or buttons that touch skin.  suddenly my watch has my wrist a bloody oozing mess.  I wore that watch for 6 years.  suddenly.  I can't. 

I can have a conditioner that freaking rocks and then on the 3rd go round suddenly makes my neck and hairline break out.  

It's a daily issue to figure out what I can or cannot eat.  I don't  know what it's like having diabetes - but I gotta say - I dearly pay for the food or product choices I make.  I feel like I am not "normal" though I guess these days I have no idea what "NORMAL" really is.  I play Russian roulette a lot.  I want to believe I can try things.  If they send me into a tail spin - hives, welts, gastrointestinal distress . . . I don't unusually do it again.  I take my chances.  I love ice cream.  I'm likely to eat it again.  reaction or no.  cuz really?  who can live without ice cream?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Have Dog will Travel

So for all of the haters out there YES we KNOW we are dumb to adopt another dog.  YES we know we are morons for adopting another pit.  But when you fall in love with a face . . .  really? what cha gonna do?  I saw bottom left corner of a rogue's gallery of photos and "bottom left" (aka Dozer) hit me like - well, a bulldozer.  I knew it was dumb.  I knew it was ill advised.  But I also knew it was going to be great.  On that deep level that you just know.. . . he was going to be great.

So the road to get him was not super hard - actually it was pretty painless.  Long - yes - (8.5hrs one way) but an easy drive.  NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING like getting (AKA white freaking KNUCKLES) from Northern Virginia to Wisconsin.  I swear they don't make enough roads to have that actually happen.  It blows.  But VA to Augusta.  nothing.

Not to overshadow my new boy but seeing my B. was the best thing EVER!!!  Seeing somebody you loved and lost and then found and then refound and then "damn - it's been 15 years" has been a roller coaster of stupidly missing someone who was such a part of you you didn't even realize you couldn't breathe without them.

Dozer.  My new boy.  He is so stupid pretty.  He is Jared Leto in Fight Club.  Bella (14lbs)  kicks his stupid 58lb puppy ass.  She is not happy with him.  No. NOT HAPPY.  She will get over it.

This is a rescue who was not beaten but abused by neglect.  He had to figure out what stairs were.  (so smart it took him a day and now he thinks he's king of the second floor!)  He's never felt carpet.  BTW - LOOOOOOOVES it.

Dom was freaked out.  WHO THE HELL IS THIS IN MY HOUSE.  Legit he was an ass for about 2 days.  bumping him.  smashing him into things.  Thank GOD Dozer is still made of rubber - and a pit so he felt nothing.  Now.  They are comrades in arms.  I'm actually scared they will take over.  Though Dozer will be the brains since Dom is an idiot.  We have lost a screen door.  yes. Dozer was on a mission and it got in the way - or he didn't see it.  I pick the first.  To be expected.  I married an engineer and I intend to use him.  I designed a dog proof door (yes DOM has gone through as well) I want him to build this.  It may actually be such a great design we may be in the dog door business soon.  Wouldn't that rock???

Dozer is a chewer.  I've never actually owned one of those.  Dom doesn't chew.  Never did as a puppy - still doesn't.  Doz is 3 stuffed toys in and it's only day 4.  :D.  I'm okay with that.  If he eats my Bible we will come to blows though!!  kidding.  Remington reference.  Doz is a cloth chewer.  I bought 3 stuffed toys and a towel that was knotted (didn't buy that actually) the towel lasted all of 1/5 of a day.

Dom is a lazy ass who likes car rides, sunsets and redheads . . . . kidding.  no actually he does.  BUT he's so lazy.  Dozer has him moving.  If Dozer runs Dom thinks about it . . . lol.  I've started being more faithful in the dog running/walking thing.  Dom is a dumb ass who sniffs every freaking thing and would KILL me if I tried to run with him.  He stops DEAD and though he weighs WAY less than I do his center of gravity is a bit lower than mine having stupid long legs and arms.  He almost had me do a full superman fall.  So we walked and I had him close and tight.

Dozer?  We ran the full block (almost a mile)  NO ISSUE!  THANK YOU  B. and Tipton County Paws and Claws for such faithful work.  Dozer is a big boy (tall) and we will keep him exercised and I hope Dom starts enjoying walks more.  Sadly Dom is freaked out by little things and  perhaps we haven't helped.  Today was garbage day and so bins were lining the streets . . . Bins are clearly from Satan and scare the poo out of my big black pit DOM!!!  He freaks when he sees them.  Balloons also are satanic.  as are clowns . . oh wait that's me.

I'm so happy to see a dog go from not knowing his name - to getting it - in 2 days.

He peed on my foot in my kitchen.  I think HE got how freaked I was and hasn't done it again.  I did yell a bit (okay - a lot) and take him outside to learn POTTY is OUTSIDE! and hose my foot and my kitchen rug.  but we have hardwood and tile and it's easily cleaned.  as is my foot.

He is so smart I do NOT doubt that he will get it.  and soon.

I really hope the little dogs start to like him since he is forever here.   Well, Sadie may never like him but that's okay.  He leaves her alone since she runs the place anyway.   It's a matriarch thing.

I know people think we are crazy but I just knew.  Something about this dog was not to be missed.  I may be wrong but I think down the road I'm going to be so glad Dozer and Dom are watching our house.  Dozer especially.  He has a quiet gentle spirit but there's some serious intelligence behind that gorgeous face.

Well, we will see.  But a rescue is a rescue and I'm not certain who was who.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


I went to this crazy church a few (16) years back that basically messed my life up in umpteen million ways and was  - as I call it HAPPILY the "Church of the Holy Reproduction" because they were BEYOND arrogant and stupid and the pastor thought he spoke for God and said that having all the kids you could was a great idea.


It was a horrible idea.  I love my kids YET I'm glad they are but three.  My husband at the time was ill equipped for one lone child - let alone three.  I know so many families in that church that were train wrecks. some made it out  - some are still stupidly there.

BUT my thoughts are not against that church right this second.

I was thinking more of music.

Lucifer was said to be the angel of light and was supposed to be in charge of music.  Makes perfect sense to me.

When I was losing said husband number one our biggest issue was the music he chose.  I refused to find a rare and precious baby sitter to go to a concert to see a band I hated what they had to say.

He went without me.

I understand what they said.  I get it.  I still don't like it.  I never will.

When I chose to get a divorce I wanted someone who understood me.  I wasn't actually looking for love I was looking for a good father for my kids.  I can love anyone who's nice - but it was music that made the difference.  The first time Roger sat in my dustbuster minivan he saw my CD's and said he had all of them.  And he did.

Music is so much to me I can't even explain.  Music is why I'm not a Lutheran.  and it's why I will always be.  Those stupid hymns are in my freaking DNA - but I dislike them greatly.

music moves me  - daily.  It makes me think - feel and cry.  I dance in my kitchen making dinner - pretty much every day.  If lucifer is in charge of music he's doing a great job.  most of it sucks.  but when I hear a song that I know has slipped in.  under his radar - I know about it.  I swear - I do = it's so good and moving.

yeah the other day we were listening to the radio going to church and Highway to Hell came on.  I cranked it up just to be funny.  yeah.  The devil doesn't get all the good songs... and sometimes it's just funny.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

bloody well time

I quit my bad and under appreciated job in December of 2012.   in that lull I did exactly fucking nothing.  I mean really fucking nothing.  I barely wrote.  I pretty much just - cleaned my house - ran umpteen miles. and then knit things I ended up frogging (yeah that's right). aka.  I did fucking nothing.

There are certain camps that say that is a depression.  prolly.

Those are not the camps I'd send my kids to for fun but I get it.

I had decided that I needed a year.  I needed a year to breathe - but really I have no idea what that means.  I think breathe EQUALS or "means" lazy so I'm at odds with what I originally set out to do.  yeh me to subvert what I wanted to do!!!!  

Trinity kind of shook me out of my knitting slump.   and I quote, "yeah mom you get these knitting books from the library but you really don't knit that much lately."

no.  I don't.  I don't do anything of any substance lately.  what I do goes to the wind.

I run.  I sweat. I breathe but nothing permanent.

That is done.

Connor Howard left today.  I miss him.  but honestly - he's not my kid.  He's too easy.  My kids are hard and have issues.  I'm certain he has issues but when you get him 2 of the possible 52 you only get the surface.

It's funny - when I run.  the first 8 miles are the hardest - after that is gravy until 15.  why is that?  I hit a groove and it's fun.  before it's a fight for every 3 miles.  then after 8 it's a free ride.  I can do 8 miles an hour so that's not a timing thing.  it's just weird.

You sign up for one thing and it ends up in another state.  Not bad - just different.

not bad

just different.

Friday, August 9, 2013

The dogs of war

there are animals we own

Currently we have one surviving hermit crab.  Shelly is fine and thank you for asking. Trinity came home from the Outer Banks with three and Nemo and Beach are no more but Shelly is still sitting up and taking mist so we are happy.  Our almost 5 yr old guinea pig Snickers is still fat and sassy.  Daily he gets fed more food than the people in countries that eat him get.  I guess that should be wrong.  But he cracks me up.  He's so social.

I'm watching all episodes of Greys.  I have to.  I stopped watching because I had to.  SO now I've started at the beginning - because I had to.

I lost my dog a while back.  I say that because we bond with animals on levels we don't want to admit.  We are humans. We don't want to be the crazy cat lady or the person who puts animal over people but when you bond with an animal you just know.  It's the soul mate human thing.  You just bond and get it.  It's like your favorite child and if you are a parent and have more than one you need to admit to having a favorite - we all do but no one will admit it.  We love our kids but as humans we clearly love some on different levels.

Yeah.  Bella is my dog.  that little bitch is my dog.  she is my dog on levels I never knew I had in animal matter.  and she got lost.  she was let out with no gate and went on an adventure.  I was beyond crazy.  I was hypercrazyventalating!!!!!!

when a nice lady almost a mile from our house found her and called the cops since she wasn't wearing her collar - I was thankful and guilty at once.  Getting her back was amazing.  she was a rescue.  Her owners didn't WANT her. ??????????  she is the best dog ever. for me.  I guess it's who you are and what your needs are.  I guess it's who you bond with.  I hate little dogs.  except for bella.  lol

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

growing pains

I have a new yard.  New as in driveway - new brick front wall and new railing.  New driveway and new gate that opens when I push a button.  New backyard.  Driveway and Pool area and then Garage.  NEW NEW NEW.  I'm um.  a little. um



I'm a lot overwhelmed.

I do change on the normal human level.

Puppy - new puppy - yeah he's great he's cute.  JESUS HE IS SHITTING ON MY RUG!!!  aaahhh okay cleaning up shit. . . and garbage that little bastard - oh i mean my darling - is OMG how cute is he ????? he's sleeping. . . and then growing and then stupidly chewing my best sandals . . . and then growing and doing evil . . .

Point is = change and time.

I can do change with time.  TOO MUCH CHANGE . . . TOO LITTLE TIME makes me more nuts.

I can't say crazy since everybody KNOWS I'm 5 beers short of a 6 sixpack  17 fries close to a happy meal and 8 pins short of a strike so YEAH - I KNOW NUTS.

But the one thing I'm okay with.  And kinda keeps me not chewing the curtains is my garden.

So. . . I gotta say I don't get it.  I have my dad's ability to just make shit grow.  I HAVE killed things as has he.  and I hate when a plant dies.  It bugs me bad.  BUT I have things live that SHOULD NOT LIVE.  I have a tree we got from freaking ALDI's!!!  ALDI's for like 10 bucks.   It was DEAD when we bought it and then I brought it back to life and then MOVED IT.  And I was not gentle.  Yeah - growing.

My personal specialty is vine.  vines like me.  I love them.

They move.  when they grow.  they are so alive and moving and growing.  vines are my thing.

they are plants that are stuck - they are stuck where I said to make them stuck but yet - they move on their own.

Like they know their basic limits but grown even beyond that and thrive.

yeah.  vines.

I am a vine.

and a great one at that.