Lucifer

I went to this crazy church a few (16) years back that basically messed my life up in umpteen million ways and was  - as I call it HAPPILY the "Church of the Holy Reproduction" because they were BEYOND arrogant and stupid and the pastor thought he spoke for God and said that having all the kids you could was a great idea.

Yeah.

It was a horrible idea.  I love my kids YET I'm glad they are but three.  My husband at the time was ill equipped for one lone child - let alone three.  I know so many families in that church that were train wrecks. some made it out  - some are still stupidly there.

BUT my thoughts are not against that church right this second.

I was thinking more of music.

Lucifer was said to be the angel of light and was supposed to be in charge of music.  Makes perfect sense to me.

When I was losing said husband number one our biggest issue was the music he chose.  I refused to find a rare and precious baby sitter to go to a concert to see a band I hated what they had to say.

He went without me.

I understand what they said.  I get it.  I still don't like it.  I never will.

When I chose to get a divorce I wanted someone who understood me.  I wasn't actually looking for love I was looking for a good father for my kids.  I can love anyone who's nice - but it was music that made the difference.  The first time Roger sat in my dustbuster minivan he saw my CD's and said he had all of them.  And he did.

Music is so much to me I can't even explain.  Music is why I'm not a Lutheran.  and it's why I will always be.  Those stupid hymns are in my freaking DNA - but I dislike them greatly.

music moves me  - daily.  It makes me think - feel and cry.  I dance in my kitchen making dinner - pretty much every day.  If lucifer is in charge of music he's doing a great job.  most of it sucks.  but when I hear a song that I know has slipped in.  under his radar - I know about it.  I swear - I do = it's so good and moving.

yeah the other day we were listening to the radio going to church and Highway to Hell came on.  I cranked it up just to be funny.  yeah.  The devil doesn't get all the good songs... and sometimes it's just funny.

bloody well time

I quit my bad and under appreciated job in December of 2012.   in that lull I did exactly fucking nothing.  I mean really fucking nothing.  I barely wrote.  I pretty much just - cleaned my house - ran umpteen miles. and then knit things I ended up frogging (yeah that's right). aka.  I did fucking nothing.

There are certain camps that say that is a depression.  prolly.

Those are not the camps I'd send my kids to for fun but I get it.

I had decided that I needed a year.  I needed a year to breathe - but really I have no idea what that means.  I think breathe EQUALS or "means" lazy so I'm at odds with what I originally set out to do.  yeh me to subvert what I wanted to do!!!!  

Trinity kind of shook me out of my knitting slump.   and I quote, "yeah mom you get these knitting books from the library but you really don't knit that much lately."

no.  I don't.  I don't do anything of any substance lately.  what I do goes to the wind.

I run.  I sweat. I breathe but nothing permanent.

That is done.

Connor Howard left today.  I miss him.  but honestly - he's not my kid.  He's too easy.  My kids are hard and have issues.  I'm certain he has issues but when you get him 2 of the possible 52 you only get the surface.

It's funny - when I run.  the first 8 miles are the hardest - after that is gravy until 15.  why is that?  I hit a groove and it's fun.  before it's a fight for every 3 miles.  then after 8 it's a free ride.  I can do 8 miles an hour so that's not a timing thing.  it's just weird.

You sign up for one thing and it ends up in another state.  Not bad - just different.

not bad

just different.

The dogs of war

there are animals we own

Currently we have one surviving hermit crab.  Shelly is fine and thank you for asking. Trinity came home from the Outer Banks with three and Nemo and Beach are no more but Shelly is still sitting up and taking mist so we are happy.  Our almost 5 yr old guinea pig Snickers is still fat and sassy.  Daily he gets fed more food than the people in countries that eat him get.  I guess that should be wrong.  But he cracks me up.  He's so social.

I'm watching all episodes of Greys.  I have to.  I stopped watching because I had to.  SO now I've started at the beginning - because I had to.

I lost my dog a while back.  I say that because we bond with animals on levels we don't want to admit.  We are humans. We don't want to be the crazy cat lady or the person who puts animal over people but when you bond with an animal you just know.  It's the soul mate human thing.  You just bond and get it.  It's like your favorite child and if you are a parent and have more than one you need to admit to having a favorite - we all do but no one will admit it.  We love our kids but as humans we clearly love some on different levels.

Yeah.  Bella is my dog.  that little bitch is my dog.  she is my dog on levels I never knew I had in animal matter.  and she got lost.  she was let out with no gate and went on an adventure.  I was beyond crazy.  I was hypercrazyventalating!!!!!!

when a nice lady almost a mile from our house found her and called the cops since she wasn't wearing her collar - I was thankful and guilty at once.  Getting her back was amazing.  she was a rescue.  Her owners didn't WANT her. ??????????  she is the best dog ever. for me.  I guess it's who you are and what your needs are.  I guess it's who you bond with.  I hate little dogs.  except for bella.  lol

growing pains

I have a new yard.  New as in driveway - new brick front wall and new railing.  New driveway and new gate that opens when I push a button.  New backyard.  Driveway and Pool area and then Garage.  NEW NEW NEW.  I'm um.  a little. um

overwhelmed.

No.

I'm a lot overwhelmed.

I do change on the normal human level.

Puppy - new puppy - yeah he's great he's cute.  JESUS HE IS SHITTING ON MY RUG!!!  aaahhh okay cleaning up shit. . . and garbage that little bastard - oh i mean my darling - is OMG how cute is he ????? he's sleeping. . . and then growing and then stupidly chewing my best sandals . . . and then growing and doing evil . . .

Point is = change and time.

I can do change with time.  TOO MUCH CHANGE . . . TOO LITTLE TIME makes me more nuts.

I can't say crazy since everybody KNOWS I'm 5 beers short of a 6 sixpack  17 fries close to a happy meal and 8 pins short of a strike so YEAH - I KNOW NUTS.

But the one thing I'm okay with.  And kinda keeps me not chewing the curtains is my garden.

So. . . I gotta say I don't get it.  I have my dad's ability to just make shit grow.  I HAVE killed things as has he.  and I hate when a plant dies.  It bugs me bad.  BUT I have things live that SHOULD NOT LIVE.  I have a tree we got from freaking ALDI's!!!  ALDI's for like 10 bucks.   It was DEAD when we bought it and then I brought it back to life and then MOVED IT.  And I was not gentle.  Yeah - growing.

My personal specialty is vine.  vines like me.  I love them.

They move.  when they grow.  they are so alive and moving and growing.  vines are my thing.

they are plants that are stuck - they are stuck where I said to make them stuck but yet - they move on their own.

Like they know their basic limits but grown even beyond that and thrive.

yeah.  vines.

I am a vine.

and a great one at that.

Grey Matter

So.  In the few short days that we have Connor Howard (esquire) we are trying to make the best of it all.  I am feverishly trying to find a job.  Feverish in that I am sick with whatever crap the older two had and shared with the one they kiss.  And I'm finally ready to start watching Grey's again.  Grey's Anatomy was THE show X and I started watching because he was THEN working 2nd shift and it was on Sunday night.  We were actually there at the PILOT -  I remember missing the first crucial minutes of each show that started at 8. aka bed time - since I was the one in charge of children . . . ha!! like they weren't also his.  . . .  AND just like his family - they were just too much for his sorry ass.

When the show moved to Thursdays i knew we were doomed.  Not because we lost a show but because I knew.

They say the wife always knows.

She does.

She just doesn't always wanna admit it.

Watching now is horrible and awesome in a nutshell.  I'm working through a whole lot of bitter and angry and want to put a giant sledge hammer through his head.  but I won't.  I don't actually want to SEE his GREY MATTER.  I just wish he used it more.   I need to find a career because I need to feel useful.  I can write despite a lot of critics.  But I write for fun.  I'm super smart and can problem solve like an SOB.  Jesus. Stick me in a problem.  I can fix it.  Is there a job for MacGyver with long red hair?

I'm an angry white girl who has unresolved daddy issues.  But.  I am kind.  and loving and fun to be with.  I'm really smart and a good friend if you are flawed.

I'm horrible if you are family since I expect you to think I'm perfect.  And when you find different I'm not so kind.  In fact I lash out in unprecedented and horribly unkind ways.  and for the ladies I've done that to I apologize.  MacS. I'm sorry.  You are not a bad person.  I just don't know you.  You never tried to know me and I'm sorta in awe of you.  so go you.  You don't ever have to like me.  That's cool. I'm kinda weird.  Opinionated - but a freaking great host should you ever want to stay at my house I will treat you like gold.  It's kinda my thing.  I have that in my DNA.  apparently we were the BnB folks way back . . .

So.  YEAH this is another axe grinding post.  If you read me - deal.  It will get better from here.  Frankly - ha ha.  frank.  ugh.  I am actually going to do something.  The runway is in sight.

Thank God.  cuz this freaking circus is killing me.

off off off with yer head - dance dance dance til yer dead . . .

this is a story about a runner.

how she started and where she is now.

and okay yeah, that she.   is me.

I was a runner in high school.   more to the point.  I was a horrible hurdler.  I hit them.  all the time and every time.  I doubted my timing and sucked - bad.  then I got sick.  not just sick, but  Strep. Mono. a sinus infection,  tonsillitis and a double ear infection.  I was a freaking train wreck.  and SUDDENLY then for some feverish deluded reason - I decided I wanted to start really running.  I was off of school for two weeks.  I began running a bit at a time  - had to cuz  I woke up in a ditch after a few miles.  I never said I wasn't stupid - I'd just made up my mind.  I wanted to run.

Then I started college.  Ran a bit here and there but not seriously.

Then I got married and got a job and then a different job.  I was -  at that point about 26.  I was a help desk/software admin for a really mental software company in Brookfield WI and folks there actually drank on the job.  really really.  I started running on my lunch hour just to get out of Dodge.  I started a mile at a time.  and after a year and many bloody toes - I found that a mile had turned into 6.  I could run - 6 miles in an hour.  That seemed to me pretty great and my runs were actually pretty great since I lived in Waukesha.

It was 6 miles around my country block and that took my sweaty ass passed some pretty amazing scenes.  I actually tried to outrun a thunderstorm once and almost made it.  sorta.

Then I got pregnant.  times 3.

Not triplets thank GOD but 3 kids in 6 years.  "Running" only meant to the bathroom or out for diapers.  But I found I could jump rope in my living room for an hour and still stay fit.  and be home.

Then I remarried.

I discovered that Illinois hated me.  I fell.  a lot.  Maybe it's just their sidewalks are shit - I don't know - but I kept falling.  like almost needing stitches falling.  I fell about 6 times.  I hated running there.  I stopped and stuck to jump rope in the driveway.  Even in December.  it was a better idea.

Then we moved to VA.

I started running.  a lot.  I never fell.  Not once.

Then. one day.

I decided to do a marathon.  I just kinda announced it and it even came out as a bit of a surprise for me.

I trained hard and heavy and worked up to doing 15 miles a day.  7 days a week.  for 5 months.  I lost 20 lbs.  I  - at 5'8" weighed 120 lbs -  less if I did 20 miles.  I felt like I could do anything - be anything - and was killing my kidneys.  I didn't realize that running that much and not drinking more than water was a bad thing.  I was peeing blood everyday!  Genius!  right - I know.  Electrolytes people.  your friends.

I was set on this marathon.  It was all I cared about - and honestly at the end of the day it was the hardest thing I physically ever did.  At mile 21 I wanted to stop and sit down.  But the drill sergeant in my brain only let me walk through the water stop.  I finished in 3:43.   I know I could have done faster if I hadn't walked but I was so happy to have finished.  

After we got out of the crowd I wanted to get a tattoo.  Nobody wanted to do it for me since they thought I'd been through so much.  The tattoo of XXVI.ii  on my ankle took less than 5 minutes.  really?

Today I struggle.  I pick music for my IPOD that moves me - and yet I stay on the treadmill.  I'm afraid of training again.  I am afraid of diarrhea - yeah training in the heat of a VA summer - I need a bathroom after mile 12!  Nobody tells you about THAT  happy shit (literally)  If I'm at home I can get off and use my own bathroom - in the wild I am at the mercy of the McDonald's or Taco Bell or 7-11.  The evil looks I imagine.  This intel isn't to discourage you but nobody really tells you when you start all of the happy things that await the novice runner who just wants to "do" a marathon.  My sister and her hubby did one and for my poor sister it didn't end nicely.  She hurt her knee and it was a slow sad end.  I was alone and I know Roger will never run with me.  So anything I run is alone.

And then as the runner ages we experience all of the fun "getting OLDER" events.  I hurt my achilles a while back because I found that running on an incline is DUMB.  yeah.

Oh and at home I am barefoot 99% of the time and so I am inclined to KICK THINGS that are hard and stationary.

  I broke my toe AGAIN!! and had to take 5 days off. I hate being injured but being so - makes me breathe.  I like that.  I stop for a second and focus.  Once it stopped being the purple angry toe of death, .   I did 8 miles then 9 miles and today over 10.  Yet - training for another marathon scares me because I know how selfish it makes me.  It makes me focus on my needs and my goals and I have a tween and teens.  Until they are not my priority - they have to be my focus.  I'm the only one who cares about what happens to them on a daily basis.  I need to figure out how to make my goals and theirs meet.  Aislinn is set on track for her sport this year.  I am going to try to volunteer for her team.  I know if my parents had spent time with me in school I would have done better.  Not a dig but a truth.  I know I was a hard kid to raise.  Still am :D  But being there seems to be 9/10 of the battle.

I'm ready for a half marathon.  Not a full  - because I don't want it to be about me for another 6 months.  I love being a runner.  It's fun and sticky and sweaty!!!  and it's a part of my DNA.  But my DNA has more parts than just Katie.

If you don't run - I'm not saying you are less than anything - but running is kinda my thing.- whatever your thing is - that's great.  I'm trying to see if I can get Roger into tennis with me.  I'm horrible at it but passionate.

I guess it comes down to what makes us tick.  I am full of quirks.  Passionate or weird.  Places I avoid - things I do - foods I eat or don't.  Music that moves me.  I know I dissed Glee.  I do like it.  In a love/hate sorta way.  It's hard for me.

I am picking my drumbeat - my cadence.  I hope it works.

My prayer for you is that you have yours and it moves you.

Glee

so.  I'd be kidding if I said I didn't watched the show.  Though  - really it was after the fact.  I didn't want to like the show.   frankly it seemed lame and stupid and nothing I would actually care about. but watch it  - I did . . . .  I'd also be kidding to say I liked it.  I actually DID NOT.  In reality.   I dislike it.  I didn't like Seinfeld for the same reason.  you  - as a viewer are not supposed to like anybody.  All of the characters are flawed and unlikeable.  even the mostly like able ones.  really.  You are supposed to dislike everybody.  except for the music  - the show pretty much kinda sucks and makes me depressed for the human race.  everybody hates everybody. yeah glee!  gay people hating.  white people hating.  whatever Santana is hating - yeah.  haters all around.

so that brings me to today and me.  I had a very very good friend tell me that my blog was shit and no body cares and to just stop.

talk about a cold wet squirrel in the face and thank youthefuckveryfuckingmuchbitch.com

yes.  I am writing a book that most of the humans I knew in my life prolly don't want me to write and here's someone I really dug who tells me my writing sucks.   Yeah  - how about a red iceee in the face.

If I do finish this book.  I expect a lot of iceeees.  cuz it's not pretty but it's honest.  I guess it's never been about who likes you it's about what I think.  take it or leave it.  game on.