Sunday, September 30, 2012


okay.  here's where shit get's real.  Hahaha.  Kidding - it's been real all along but MORE real suddenly - if that's possible.

I do try NEVER to alter or change anything I write.
except when asked to eliminate a certain person from everything I do or say.

FDOD is how I've lived for as many years as I've been doing anything.  For me FDOD is "First Draft Only Draft."    I do and it just is. for better or worse - i write and it just is.

If you don't understand what I'm saying - I mean I write - check for spelling gaffs and then post. period - what I say is what I say.  I write and then feel it that VERY second in the emoticon laden text speak that I choose to write in = it's that thought - that minute very real very volatile or very sympathetic.  or penitent.  or lazy or pissed off or angry or LORD you name it.  It's just NOW.  that's how I do it.   I don't relent - rehearse or rethink until the morning after and then repent.  LOL.

NOW. that being said.  My post last night had a glaring error that only my sleeping brain knew.  I wrote late after finishing Like water for chocolate.  and said SXSW which is a music festival when I MEANT Sundance which is a film fest.  No shit = I woke up at 4 am with my brain alerting me of my glaring error.  my sleeping brain KNEW and would not let me um sleep.  I tried to subvert such things to no avail and finally at like 6 - made the necessary change.  You really would have thought world peace and water that worked as gas would have been at stake - nope just my street cred.  right.  I guess it's that important.

I guess that makes me a writer.  I take that personal mantle happily.  I am.  I like it.  It fits.  it's really one of the 5 things that make me happy.  Writing.  Numero UNO freaking passion.  yeah. period.  Sex. yes it's number 2 to writing. not really sure why  - maybe since I drive all sexual activity in my current life.    Control is a heady but also tiring force.   Sewing -  3. I guess if I could write about sewing and sex it'd be EXPONENTIALLY cool. Knitting. No words just cool and  finally - Running. in the sun. or rain.
I would love to hear my Beloved's top 5.  B - I would imagine music and reading and animal sweetness and family and fun things and people would populate your 5.

I love so many things - getting inked - planning ink.  thinking about planning ink.  lol. Fact is I guess that I enjoy permanent things.  I think it's that I have HAD so many things that have flown into and out of my life that the things I don't have to question. . . piercings? yup there.  Tattoos? yup there.  boys? maybe.   friends? - only the real/forever ones!

I think it is a test of myself.  Can I pull it off?  Can I make sense in a one-off?  in a FDOD?   It's funny.  While knitting - if I encounter an error - I will truly access.  I will carefully decide if the ripping back to correct is truly worth the error.  MOST times I will decide it is - and rip back to the mistake or just frog the entire project (aka start the HELL OVER) I hate mistakes.  when they are MINE.  I guess the fact that words are not yarn mean nothing so when I actually reread mistakes that I've written it bugs me but I don't die.  I guess a word out there is not the same as a stitch.  I guess what I'm saying is something someone I love has to wear - well, it needs to be as perfect as possible.

But as always in life - If I need to rethink - retool - reassess.  . . I will.

I will.  re.

I so really do get the do-over part, it's just that I really would have liked to do it right the first time.
But sadly, I didn't.

Hindsight and all being the cruel mistress she is - ugh - SO freaking many things I would have done or said differently.  would not have been clingy - would have been a tougher chick - would have had the opinion.  whatever.   That ship has sailed and no port in sight.  I need to let it go.  It's weird that I am the one who has the issues.  but finally being honest? yes.  I admit it.  FDOD doesn't always suit the occasion.  sometime you need to revisit.  sometimes you need to reassess because it's just NOT right for today or forward.   regret? yeah.  Debilatating? Nope.  forward. I'm there.  I still like to do and mean it but I know a book will mean revision.  this. i know.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Foreign Film

If you hate movies that require thought or don't have someone impaled by an alien. OR oh wait - you have to READ! . . Please stop reading and move along - really - nothing more to see .

  .. . okay.  It's just us right?  OMG.  my current husband has never seen Like Water For Chocolate!  IKR? I'm done with him this very minute.  Papers in hand.  JK!  This has been a drill - if this had been an actual ALERT . . . whatever.  You get my point.  There is so much.  Sundance - Cannes - LORD - I don't see a fraction of what I SHOULD let alone what I want. And yet I managed to see the last Dark Knight.  um = In my honest opinion since that really is all you get from me - it was worse than meaningless freaking drivel.  no heart- reality or passion.  SUCKED TOP TO BOTTOM - there is a reason I don't care.  because it sucked.  The One I saw with the Joker I was checking my watch.  IN THE THEATRE.  Heath Ledger was interesting. period.  Christian Bale can't act his way out of a paper bag. in tights. or a cape - you pick.  yuck and yawn.  I know I will receive hate mail in triplicate.  really really don't care.  I know good.  or better yet. I know what I like.  and THAT has made all the difference.  I don't pretend to like the new the best the whatever IF I personally don't.  I have finally started (again - after the book was ripped from my grasp by my daughter who read it 12 times- to give to a "friend") the Hunger Games.  I can wait to see the movie since my daughter - Hey Trinity - said it sucked compared to the book.  I might actually start Harry Potter book one some time soon.  You get me now?  I choose.  It's hot now?  we'll see.  still hot?  again - maybe.  all done being cool.  books for 50 cents?  okay I'm game.  BUT - 50 shades - paid full freaking PRICE and then some.  have it on Ibooks AND print - yeah boy.  loves me some Christian.  lol.  I pick.  you get me now?

I hate cool since it's so not.  I'm finally me.  I've been me for 43 years if you go by inception.  I'll be 43 on the 13th.  I know THEY say that 40 is the new 30.  I hope 50 is going to be the "next best" since in 7 years I'll hit that baby.  But really, short of body going south (and I've met a few plastic surgeons who swear that doesn't have to happen) I'm golden.

I like me.  for once.  thank you.  and also I'm sorry.  I'm sure I offended you at some point and said something in my HONESTY phase that didn't filter out mean - or in my CLINGY phase that made me be like white on rice.  Or worse - my AVOIDANCE phase  - that well. . you get that one.  I'm here today and I like today.  mostly.  I love my kids.  They are smart and goofy and interesting and super funny.  I love them more than I should and yet they inspire me to be more.  They are awesome and I don't mean that in a mom way = I actually mean that in - You really are great - Holy Hannah! My kids are super amazing sort of way.  It makes me want to be more than amazing.  It makes me want to write,  really.  It makes me want to have something to whip out a pen for at a table in Omaha at a book signing and have some random woman hug me and tell me I helped maker her a better . . . !  Yeah,  I want that.

I am back to Like Water for Chocolate.  I'm not telling you to watch it - oh wait - yes I am.  Jesus. really? freaking watch it.  It's amazing and sweet and ugh.  really?  you really haven't seen it before?  you sure?

I know approximately 7 people on this planet that will get it.  I mean GET it.  I want to know more than those 7.  If you watch it and GET it - like on that - "it moved me cellular level" - tell me.  I hate missing soul mates.

Now Wings of Desire?  ugh.  don't get me started.  New Post on that animal.  it's German.  My maiden name was Wenzel.  Don't even start me on German.  I got this one in spades.


Friday, September 28, 2012

Salt, light and a little dirt

I hate to even say "Paradigm Shift" anymore since it's so OverUsed much like the ever present "Pushing the Envelope."  I really just want to throw in a random YOLO  to sound hip these days.

My husband got a random  over share text tonight and decided that he wanted to mess around with said person from 914 area code - Hey Florida - until I stepped in and texted back "Do you know who I am?"  Didn't think so!
ya - huge NO!  lol.    He didn't understand mostly 70% of their text jk! lol!  ugh - I really do know actual words and promise to share them.  but I do get text speak as well.  I only text while driving AT RED LIGHTS and YES I am looking UP at the light.  I am NOT the DB in front of you looking down at their f'n phone too busy to drive when the light actually turns green yo .  .  wow.  I have issues? IKR?  JK!


For my mom who reads this - DB is Douche Bag.  Not pretty but apparently necessary to the food chain.  where? I'm not certain, though they do seem to occupy a LOT of positions of power.  IKR - usually followed with a ? because it means I Know Right?  like "girlfriend how nasty did he smell? and she said IKR?"  It's a bit of  a non sequiter for those of us too old school and too grammer infused to let shit slide.  Like me.
JK - Just kidding
So Mom - we are not DISing (disrespecting) you anymore.  LOL (laugh out loud) or even ROTFLMAO which really is just as hard as typing "roll on the floor laughing my ass off" - though which you know they actually are NOT since they are still typing and not - actually - rolling.  It's a bit of a farce.  "Liar" is what I say.  cuz I do often LOL as I'm typing - LOL.  I try - at least to keep it real.  just sayin

OK so this post has been weird from the start.  Augusten Burroughs has been my guru lately.  odd for a Christian white sorta-straight woman from Wisconsin to choose a gay man from the East Coast to be her finder of all truth but hey God speaks through so many places that I see truth where it is. period.

I found myself reading "This is HOW - help for the self for ". . . . and pedaling and listening to yes smooth jazz - (whatever!) and felt it.


so a little back story - went for an ill advised run today.  I had not been able to run for a day or so due to sad sorry work issues and a tad of lazy on my part - WAY more work than lazy I AM CERTAIN.  but nonetheless - ahem - (insert horribly inappropriat Southern Accent HERE) it was a-gonna-rain.  hard.  I knew it - but if you run and are itching ta - RAIN DON'T STOP ya.  so I went.  I've always said getting rained on is usually preclude to epiphany.  I'm not wrong.  when a bottle breaks for no reason in your lap?  Word!.  Universe sending message. (sidebar - stop accent here)

I ran in the rain and it was both a shower and a bit of rebirth and a re-baptism though I've had 2.  one was for show - one I picked and was for real and cool as all get out.  I love running in the warm rain though my 2 biggest issues are TECHNOLOGY (wireless headphones - didn't cut out) and my iPhone - she's fine.   whew.  ran and wanted to keep on.  but came back cuz I knew they would be worried about me at work - my crew is the best - Sarrah and GOLDBERG!!! :D

I just want to say that things happen on a planned course - some good - some bad - some really weird but reasoned and portioned and for that very reason.

I want to buy This is How for everybody I know.  really it's the best theraputic NON-therapy book I've ever read.  for realsies!  BUT I gotta say - it's a book of the time.  and when I say that - I mean you gotta be on the edge of wanting to change but not sure exactly how.  you have to be "of the time."  IMHO
(okay MOM that's in my humble opinion and usually they are SO not being humble but just throw that H out there all arrogant and shit)

so I guess here I stand all Paradigm shifty and stuff.  nothing REALLY has changed but i guess that's how change is.  It's REAL but gradual.  It's REAL but gentle.  like seeds.  You do your part and then continue your part and continue and then forget one day and then wow!  SPROUTS!  But the salt part - salt - that's hard.  but not really.  it's just so necessary.  Ask any fool who has gone on a salt free diet because some stupid dr decided it was necessary.  food without salt is well, epic fail (yeah you got that right - I said it!) it's necessary.  and bravo tango whiskey - it's best if pink and Himalayan ===== but that's just me :D

I had forgotten how much I really ike jazz.  I stopped listening in early college since no one I knew liked it also and I was so stupid and peer pressure"y" (don't know if that's a word)  I had been a huge Spyro Gyra fan in High School.  yes full disclosure.

I was so enjoying it - it stopped me.  the enjoyment.  Gave me pause.  not paws thankfully would have made typing so hard!  LOL (you got this one mom!) but I stopped since I was so in the moment that - well- I needed to write about it.  I think that either spells a dyed in the wool writer or a sociopath.  Not certain - but a few more episodes of Lie to Me and I'm pretty sure I'll know.

Today was a landmark and I don't know why.  How dumb is that?  I feel it but nothing to attach the tag to.  End of the month.  Check.  I'm always on the edge of my seat - a bit of the residual first chair flute player (bitch! I hear you!) but really I don't know.

the reason that I'm certain is forth coming - should be enlightening.  perhaps a bit dirty and maybe a tad salty.  can't be sure. just sayin.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


just a name.  or is it?  Is it a curtain?  Is it the dividing line between those who know random Shakespeare characters or who really like Tim Roth and Gary Oldman (oooooohhhhh me me me!)  I could name weird Dr. Who stuff. or Monty Python skits or Jane Austen characters.  Or True Blood episodes or or or.  ummm 50 shades details . . . . :D

does it divide or unite?  yes.  If you are part of the cool kids you are united - cuz well,  you KNOW!  If not? you are divided into the goat pen (yet another reference far too few get,  but should - read the freaking BIBLE people!)  but what I am saying is that I have fought this urge since I recognized it's exclusivity at an early (okay who are we kidding? I wanted to be cool more than air!) I wanted to be part of the cool kids- the cool clique and when that didn't happen in high school I took my weird quirks on the road.  Met other weird quirky lovelies and we rocked our weirdness as a collective.   Less of the tight fitting clothing than the Borg - but no less a collective.  We assimilated in a way.  All collectives do.  I guess that is what humans do.  We want to know where we fit and who we fit with.  Mammals just do that.  Case in point.

When my kids were little Tim happened upon a dog that he thought would be good for the family.  She was a rescued Pit.  My inner response was a conflicted version of  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING WE HAVE BABIES! and I TRUST THAT YOU GOT THIS SINCE I DON'T THINK YOU WOULD FEED YOUR KIDS TO A MONSTER..

in came Shira.  she will be -  to this day,  my favorite dog.  (okay maybe Bella is in front but I really can't decide - it's close!)

Shira did this one thing that forever set her in my heart.  After we had her for a while she decidedly but gingerly nipped Liam in the butt.  No blood. and she watched me the whole time.  I smacked the crap out of her and she put her head down and laid down peacefully.  A week or so later she nipped Trin the same way and I responded the same.  She did the same.  Then she did Aislinn.  I smacked her really hard since Aislinn was really little.  She looked at me with eyes you can only get from a very very intelligent animal and it was with relief that she sighed and took her rightful place in our "pack" as the dog.  She just needed to know where in our family she fit.  She was happy to be the dog - she just needed to know.  She just needed to know who her pack was and who she ran with.  She was fine with us and I love her and miss her so much.

I have a hard time with divisions though.  I like fitting and good fits.  but separation and division.  They are hard for me.  I guess that is how we are wired though.  It should be hard to separate and SHOULD be hard to divide.  we are one collective after all.

let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. . . . sorry.  it's one of those nights.

Monday, September 24, 2012

I wanted to call this "You can't fix Teenager."

Then I realized you actually can - the curative is called time.  What you really can't fix is lazy or stupid.  My kids are not stupid though they may pull some really bonehead moves now and then (and really, what standing-vertical-taking-nourishment-human doesn't, on a random off moment?)  But teenager?  or worse TWEEN! ugh.  I love my children with all of the love that someone who carried them happily full term.  Really didn't gain weight - if truth be told I am thinner now than pre-kids.  Hate me all ya want but I used to have really really nice boobs and breastfeeding took all the piss right out of those girls.  Trade off?  I'd never ever look back.  I have the healthiest kids on the planet.  Though breastfeed exclusively - NO formula.  they also didn't get vaccinated til they were OVER a year and were not in a single day of day care.  Doesn't make me a better mom than you if you did differently with yours I just made my own choices based on what I thought was right. at the time.  I had them pretty much shackled to my side 24/7.  I exercised with them - literally - I did lunges holding them.  Ask them - they remember.  Were they a burden?  depends on what day you were to ask me.  Yes and of course No.  Are they a blessing?  resounding YUP!  giant pains in my ass?  SAME resounding YUP!  They are kids.  I don't know about you all (ya'll is what I really wanted to say) but I REMEMBER being that awkward kid who's friends mattered A MILLION times more than my family did.  I vividly remember my parents NOT GETTING ME - ugh - followed by the dramatic  - running to room - turning on the music as loud as I could and flopping on my bed - DRAMATIC sigh. UGH!  It really was yesterday.  Or so it feels.  I really don't know how to fix lazy.  That is another epidemic all together.  I know what the symptoms feel like - I've had it like a head cold every few years.  But I am not lazy.  In fact if truth be told I'm a little ADHD.  okay I'm a lot ADHD.  I just know how to control it because I'm smart and have learned how to control it.  Uncontrolled - I will really have 12 computer screens up at work and randomly finish and start them throughout the ENTIRE day.  No lie.  But it works for me and I get it done at the end of the day.  Though I try NOT to do that often.  Start and finish, start and finish, start AND finish - is my mantra.  But lazy?  no.  As Mr. Timothy Sullivan would say about me - "it is NOT in your nature to be neat." no, it's sadly not - I make messes - big ones.  BUT I follow it by cleaning a mean streak.  I can and do keep a clean house.  I don't really understand lazy.  Or maybe it's that I'm afraid I will understand it.  and become it.  Is that possible?  I've allowed myself to not exercise my body into a coma so therefore is lazy possible?  I don't think so because what I am seeing as this crack in the frenetic pace in my drive is this new thing I I choose to call WISDOM.    A little thing that only time seems to foster in those of us not BORN with it.  I wasn't born wise - just with an innate ability to remember minutia of ever color.  I was quite literally the sponge that soaked up everything around her and held it.  still.  Girl Scout songs.  yeah.  random poems from 6th grade.  yeah.  weird stupid facts about Greek gods.  check.  Antigone?  High School - 9th grade.  BTW - that was one of the best things for learning to pronounce New Testament - Biblical people because you learned how to pronounce Greek names.  just sayin.  (and if you read the name as Anti - GONE - like gone away - it actually rhymes with bony.)

So what I am saying is that I work with a lot of people who never left teen.  Never left Lazy.  Time didn't cure being lazy.  Lazy was just there as a personal trait.  That bugs me since Lazy rarely does a body good.  Ever.

I'm looking for suggestions actually since my 3 tend toward the unmotivated side of life.  Perhaps a dose of reality is in order.  Not sure what flavor that will have but I am ever the alchemist.  I am looking for gold here.  what parent isn't?


Saturday, September 22, 2012

I want to be like that - or not.

It's been in my cupboard for a long time.  I bought it at MY store.  The Korean/Indian/Hispanic store that didn't and STILL doesn't scare me - though I only speak spotty Spanish.  apparently I am fearless for food.  AND yes that WILL be a book title and NO you can't have it. :D

I have a memory first off.  Someone telling me about something that was as foreign as Un Peso back then.  A friend who is now super close to bone - who told me about Rice Paper.  It was not an edible story HE told me - but this substance has haunted my life since he told me in 1991.  Rice paper. wow.  It's the food symbol I thought I wanted to be.

Out of the package it looks like A very rigid BUT beautiful tortilla.  I'm not Asian = nor Hispanic.  check.

But here is where the magic happens.  put it into hot water.  Not only does it soften but it becomes completely pliable and soft.

I am a bit of the chameleon.  Always have been and really don't see immanent change coming.   This comes from being a dyed in the wool people pleaser.  Though - now I use that past to my advantage.  I know how to read what pleases people and use that.  Right - "How to win friends and influence people."  yup
I don't use it for anything but goodnotevil.  yeah that.

The thing about rice paper - though -  is that it doesn't actually TASTE like anything.  It's only the vessel.  It is completely devoid of being anything but the carrier - albeit an elastic and really freaking cool vessel  - for the ingredients you choose to stick within it's con finds and then wrap into contained coolness.  But as sweet as that is.  I want to - if we are using food as a metaphor - I want to leave a good taste in your mouth.

Okay every asshole I know - needs to NOW get their mind's out of the gutter and if I've kissed you - you know right?  LOL.

I'm not kidding of course since the sense of taste is so huge with humans.  Which is why our sense of smell is linked to so many things that we as "seemingly superior beings" don''t even know we are hooked into.  Mates for us ARE attracted by scent.  I can say this for 1,000,000,000,000 percent positive.  I don't care how many zeros but the two men I've been married to and had relations with - I can tell you - they could work in the yard - or do whatever - sweat HARD.  and they NEVER once smelled bad, repulsive or icky.  nope.  just musky.

BUT I have stood in line at Walmart and had to switch lines because the guy behind me STUNK.  Bad B.O.  ewww.  Then I looked at him and to my eyes he was physically NOT unattractive - but every other part of me was like "Ewwwww YUCKY on a plate!!!"  I had to leave.  Go figure.  I've heard similar stories of men about their spouses or partners -  Loved their personal smell  - all day.  just saying.  We are driven by these things.  God actually knows how to hot wire more than a car.

I wanted to be rice paper because it's so pliable but I refuse to be tasteless.  Oh I hear you all laughing - I can tell me a mean joke that is Badass.  yeah.  But.  When I've been with you all damn day -
I refuse to be a vapor trail.  I refuse to leave nothing but a vessel behind.  I am more than that.

Damn it! - end of day - I want to know that you remember me sweetly.  at least THAT I have to put out there.

I gotta do a quick kudos to my Trinity.  I randomly picked a radio in the Ambient category and after a minute I let her pick again.

Array.FM AltRock The Alternative Rock stream features a current heavy mix, and reaches back for a 90's classic every now and then.

THIS station freaking ROCKS IT!!!

if you are ITUNES heavy as we are.  2Iphones. 2 Ipads. 1Itouch. ONEGINORMOUS Mac. Plus the legion of laptops and desktops.  Lord.  I'm surrounded by techies!

not a bad thing.  No complaints.  I guess end of day - I want to taste like something good to those I encounter, converse and engage everyday.  I refuse to be boring.  just sayin

I want to be yummy.  :D

Friday, September 21, 2012

Lie to me?

wow.  is that a loaded question.  or what?  IKR?  My new favorite show is named as such.  I am not one to catch the new trend because I like to wait until MY timing is right.  I won't be held hostage to a show ON THURSDAY NIGHT.  so?  I'll watch it in 6 weeks if that's when I get to it.  Glee on TONIGHT!  so?  It bored me to death for the 2 seasons I graced it's presence.  It can wait. forever as far as I care.  though in a pinch with no Anthony Bourdain on the horizon I may get that desperate.

so.  I call bullshit on a situation I know in life.  Help me here fellow beloved.  When you see a lie - in FULL frontal in your life.  or MORE like the life of a loved one.  ugh.  do you say something?  when you've said something before.  when you've pointed out where it smells funny to you and seems "wrong" and this and that to the point in Latin  - "ad nauseum!"

So "Lie to Me" has made me a monster.  Okay - I was a bit of that without help - I just UNDERSTAND this thing more now.  I can smell a lie, taste a lie, and see a lie from a hundred yards - BUT be so wanting to believe your LIE that I'll just swallow that crap full on no question.  but that icky feeling I'm left with because I believed your lie will stick to my hands like gak.  (google it) Because I owned your stupid lie and it made me feel icky.  yeah - that's my life.  or rather was.  I don't own that shit any more.  and I feel great.  Lie to me.  Okay.  I now say (in my head because yes I still have a filter), I KNOW THAT was a lie.  I know right?  WHY was that so hard? Yet-  for ME it is space shuttle technology.  Iphone 6 kinda.  (and yeah -  I know)

But when you smell it on people?  when you hear it - when things don't add up.  Do you call them on it when it's not ACTUALLY you?  I'm such a well established knowitallbitch - that I just work it - but I try to work it for good and not evil.  frankly I try to work all my crazynastygoodness for good and not evil that I may need to start running goodandnotevil into one word.  this is frankly exhausting.

I personally have had so much to fix in my own personal personhood (yeah I just said that) that I ignored a lot of the activity outside of my skin.  This is one of the BIGGEST reasons I don't plan to do any marathons for a long while. They are too selfish for me.  I take too much time out of LIFE to do the one thing that makes me the most selfish person on the planet - I AM IN TRAINING FOR THIS MARATHON - I GOTTA RUN  - BYE - ugh.  really?  I become the uberselfish mom (oxymoron if I ever heard one)  Moms who are MOMS don't get to be selfish.  they pull your card if you are selfish.  I'm lucky I still have mine.  whew!

Still.  I don't know PRECISELY what THE lie is - exactly.  I just smell it. it smells like someone I love is going to cry.  going to cry in sadness that I can't fix beyond holding and mothering and loving in that unconditional way loving people who smelled it before you did and couldn't fix it except holding you after - sort of way.  yeah.

there is a reason God hates lies.  they hurt people because we are born wanting to trust those around us.  We are born trusting -  aka innocent.  it's only when the Liars come in that -  Paradise is Lost.

I can't fix this one - or really even comment since it's a deep deep thing.  lines are drawn and concepts are hard fixed ideas that won't be undone until it's SO clear that it's a surgeon's scalpel cutting out the dead tissue.

The THOMPSON Twins had it correctly and if you were a radio listening person in the 80's you will suddenly be singing:

Gotta love the 3 sets of feet in bed - IKR? :D apropos of nothing.  I'm sure.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Parts are NOT

Just parts.   There was a commercial a while back that that was the catch phrase.  I think it was for chicken nuggets.  ugh.

There are things that you can apply to certain parts of your person that OTHER parts would NOT appreciate quite as much.  Ben Gay.  Mascara.  Even Aspirin won't have the desired effect if not applied to the right part and in the right way.

What I guess I am trying to say is that the most effective drug,  best thought, or even Amazing person -  if misapplied, can spell disaster.   I know some really great people who could NOT be in worse jobs for them even if they tried hard to find them.  I cannot pretend that I don't act like a total knowitallbitch an awful lot.  And yet - shockingly,  I get PAID to be a knowitallbitch.  I just don't want to be a sitting knowitallbitch anymore.  I want to be a moving and grooving knowitallbitch.  so I got a part of it right.  and my boss lets me  hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahha  whew - needed a minute.  back now

 (right,  like he LET's me do anything oh man that's so funny.  bitches run that place - WORD!)

I know so many people who - if I were God or even an ANGEL with a bit of clout  - I would SO put them where I am certain they would freaking rock AND get paid giant sums of money to just do what makes them amazing.   But I am neither uber cool agent of angelic-goodness nor  - um, well Jehovah.

I'm just a girl from Winneconne, Wisconsin.  But - here's the part that just kills me.  I see things that are out of order - when I'm paying attention.  I see bad fits - partial fits and "SUPER ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"  sort of situations.  Here's something funny that I'm sure you may or most likely won't think is funny about me.  I have been in the Human Resources field for give or take a million years and I can read people.  I can read body language - I can read nonverbal cues and micro-expressions.  Basically - I can tell if someone is lying or believes what they say - more or less.  And I am plugged into something different and can just sense things. (FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK - I hear you all say.)  I get that a lot.  But I'm not perfect nor do I pretend to be.  I just get vibes and go on that instinct.  Sadly I am right more than I am wrong.  But what is the ONE part of HR I refuse to be part of?  wait for it.  The one part I LOATHE with every part of my being.  I've turned DOWN job offers to be part of this.
I hate it.
No -  I would rather chew aluminum foil.  why?  not sure.  But I KNOW it would be a BAD fit for me.  I hate it.  I sense bad fits and it kills me ESPECIALLY when it's a friend of someone important.  I hate saying you are WRONG about your friend's kid.   Or your friend.  or that person's friend.  It kills me because I hate saying I am smarter or more intuitive - but. well.  I guess I gotta stop that because I just am.  I haven't missed one yet.

The Authorities found a bag - a black bag - of "remains" on the train track in my current hometown of Manassas Park, Virginia - on the VRE (our local train that takes folks from DC to and from the other regions) the first reports were that the parts were human.  Shut down the train line for HOURS.  but as I stated.  parts are not parts.  Bloody mammal parts are NOT quite so serious when they are not human.  I guess nobody called PETA.  (sorry - was that bitchy? bravo tango whiskey - it was meant to be)

WE are all a part of something.  I'm a part of a lot of somethings and someones.  I try to be a contributing part.   I try to bring a part of what makes ME - the only freaking ME you will ever see (I said in my best Seussian voice)  to the collective.  I'm done with masking me.  I don't have a facade anymore.  I am still a very sensitive human but I've done a lot of skin thickening exercises so that a stern look from someone else doesn't send me into apoplexy any longer.

I guess I know a lot of people doing things and living in places or situations that are NOT what or where or with the person they want.  I so get doing things in a sacrificial manner or for reasons that are for the "right reason."  That is with thought.  Purposefulness.

A song comes to mind that I guess I HAVE to bring up.   Because for all points of reason it may very well be what it IS all about.

Put your left foot in.  put your left foot out.  put your left foot in and shake it all about do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around - THAT's what its. all. about. clapclap.

each individual part.  doing something.  doing what it was meant to do.  being purposeful.  That really really - no irony here.  that really is what we parts were supposed to sum up to.   sigma.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Full Disclosure.

I just want you fully aware as you enter this post there will be shameless self-promotion.  Of the monetary variety.  No, I'm not going to panhandle - although I'm fairly certain given a particular range of skills that  I could make that a very lucrative endeavor.  No, it's something entirely different.

If you have been a regular reader, along for this happy ride of insanity - or GOD forbid,  married to or personal spawn of me - you already know that I heartily am seeking the alternative.  I need a different job if we can be perfectly honest.  I don't enjoy being employed by "the man."  I'm employed by a company I don't like or respect and as I raise the stick for the 10,000th time to make sure that rotting corpse of a horse is indeed REALLY actually factually dead - certifiably - munchkins proving it SO - GONE - BYE DEAD!!!  pushing up the daisies.  I have to take pause and be reminded that I personally have a choice.  I'm not like a lot of people.  I can walk away and not die.  We will be tight but NOBODY will go hungry.  THAT fact makes me more grateful than anyone will ever appreciate.

That said I am not able to just say "kma"  - because as big as I think my balls actually are - that is SO not how I roll.
SIDEBAR - unless I were to have won a lottery or inherited a fortune from a relative I've never met and then well ya'll can just pucker the hell up and KISS IT.  But as I have ACTUALLY met all the damn family I'm ever gonna personally know and I don't play the lottery and the only thing I get in Vegas is a tan and nekked. . . I just gotta earn it my own self.

enter the alternative job.  I was all about IT WORKS.  - it's a vanity line of products that are proported to make you thinner - healthier and younger looking.   I still might be in since I spent 100 bucks on the distribution kit. I am NOT at all saying it doesn't (work that is).  I'm just a little disappointed in the starter kit.  I told you a while ago I was exploring something new and if it worked on me yada yada yada.  Well - starter kit only contained their signature Ultimate thinning product (x 4) and a binder and "sign people up" stuff and a website for a little while.  Call me disappointed.  They sell several (read like 25) other products that I'm supposed to just promote at will?  How about a sample pack of ATLEAST the facial products so I can HONESTLY say "this stuff took me from HERE TO HERE?"

So - here's my dilemma - I put the WAIST slimmer on this morning but I'm not overweight.   It did exactly NOTHING.  And I mean exactly NOTHING.  not a centimeter.  ***  UPDATE *** I didn't wait long enough for the effect and I am going to write another post talking about what happened when I put it on my BUTT!  
The best I can say is that I didn't break out in hives!  For me that is a HUGE thing.  I'm allergic to pretty much everything.  So, now, do I spend a bit more to know that the facial - diet - supplements do indeed do what they say?  Uncertain.

Now for what I am really standing behind.

It is TOTALLY what I didn't want to do because it's so girly.  What I didn't want to do because it's frivolous.  No minds ( big or small) get made better - no lives get enhanced because it just simply and honestly ONLY smells good and is pretty.  But after I counted the fact that I have spent WELL OVER 400 bucks on this ONLY smelling good and pretty stuff - I decided - "Well - if I like it and have a HOUSE full of it - maybe someone else will too."    and I signed up.

I actually "squeed."
If you don't know what a squee is - it's a noise - it sounds like the noise dolphins make or 7th grade girls at a birthday party when talking about a cute boy in their class - I squeed when I signed up.  I can only understand a full-on squee to mean joy - un-precedented joy.

Hello - My name is Katie and I sell Scentsy.  THERE I said it.  and I won't undo it.  I'm still really mean and strangle puppies and only wear black - okay well I do wear a lot of black but I freaking love Scentsy.  (and for the record I loves me some puppies!)

Scentsy is so awesome.  It's the highest quality stuff I've EVER seen.  You CAN'T buy it at walmart for goodness sake.  And I'm UBER cheap.  It's not the same.  Not even. That's me saying that.

Maybe my next assignment will be to OH - wait mmmmmm let  me see if anyone wants to fund what I am thinking.  Or I just write. la la la la la

I'm at

Buy or don't - check it out  - OR don't.

If I've learned anything about life it's that I only want to be part of things that I really believe in.  I am full on committed as I have been under my Sarrah for almost a year.  This stuff is amazing  NOT kidding.  It smells great and is so so pretty.  I have at the very least a small plugin in EVERY room - I have only slightly less product than she does.  :D  My office is full of it - I've bought stuff for every one of my kid's teachers - sent it to the four winds to other people because I freaking love it.  As I shift my focus I'm thinking - if other people like it - maybe I could make a shekel or two?   well.  I'm not writing off the other.  I'm just disappointed.  One of the 25 products?  I don't sell what I don't LOVE.  again why I need to leave desk jockey status currently.

BUT - I'm not selling running shoes to a man with no legs.  I don't want you part of my team if you don't take care of the things you NEED.  No human on planet Earth NEEDS Scentsy.  NOBODY needs any part of this.  It's just really fun.  and there are (btw - like a million - give or :D ) smells!  Boyish - girlie - spa - romantic - FOODIE - weird - mixes . . . I like that freedom.  My dog ate some.  and didn't even get sick.  It's not flammable.  I won't bore you if you've made it this far.  I just can't say I don't like any part and that's where I sit now.  Will I get to retire and tell my job to KMA?  don't care.  really I don't.  I like this.  It's certainly not world peace.  but damn it smells good.  and is pretty.   I can't say that's a bad thing.

just sayin.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It's complicated.


How condescending and completely dismissive is that statement?  I don't care if it's my transmission or your relationship. . . try me.  I'm a smart girl.
I guess I've always been the black and white girl who knew really deep down that it CAN'T EVER BE that easy no matter how hard I click - click - click the heels.  Nothing.  Not birth control - abortion or even freaking milk is without proponents, ideas and bgh! (unless you shop at Aldi's  - they have no bgh milk. - bravo tango whiskey!) 
so now for something completely different.
New old music.

Gotta start with an ending - how cool is that? Iknowright?

So Saturday - I was without my resident husband.  HE was cool man on campus in HOME town windy city of Chi-town (okay Barlett IL but that's way less cool than saying my husband went back to visit friends in Illinois where he lived for 40 plus years!

I was at HOME - Holding down the fort in Virginia and found myownladyself treadmill running Saturday am.  Found a movie I'd recorded on a whim as I had remembered back in the day that I liked it.  Leap of Faith.  I like every part of it since it's funny - honest and full of hidden tricks.  AND YET at the end of the day. . .   God shows up and says, "You may say what you want and play at this - BUT ass, I GOT THIS ONE!"

So I watched a little more than half.  then decided my bloody exposed ankle was done.  I tend to ignore things til they get like that.

So tonight I started watching Tony's last No Reservations "Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll" episode.  Frankly I needed WAY more substance or entertainment while running and though I LOVE Queens of the Stone Age on HUGE levels I was bored since it was only a recap show that I'd already freaking memorized every previous episode.  DISAPPOINTED.  So I finished Leap of Faith.  Good choice.  I forgot how the movie ended and Liam Neeson is Freaking HOT.  Biceps alone?  Ladies - please.  Just knowing he's hiding the Irish accent kills me.

Finished the movie to a full on sprint to "Are you ready for a miracle?" um ya think?

Had an extra mile I wanted to go.

turned on Palladia - always my "goto" choice.

Them Crooked Vultures.  oh. yeah.

Not 30 minutes prior I was watching Tony and Queens of the Stone Age.  (okay - I love this band but THEY ARE NOT THAT common) I am staring suddenly straight at the face of the lead singer of QOTSA and wait for it - my all time fav. dummer who should NEVER hide his gorgeous face behind a set DAVE (I'm way better than Nirvana) Grohl.

I know how many people who would poo poo that as coincidence.  I  - ladies and gentlemen do not.  I feel the universe is a purposely created place -much like the cells that hold my eyeball together and allow it to see what I am currently typing - AKA an uber tight closely knit place of meaning.  Yes - things do run amok.  I personally can attest to that sad fact.
But I think that is just another reason to see order where we can find it.

I see God where I can.  He sees me all damn day.  And I'm sorry for Him to have to watch me all the time.  But frankly I take the little gifts where I can get them.  Them Crooked Vultures made my last two (yeah I caught another one because of them) miles rock.  You can't make that stuff up.

I'm sorry (not really - you gotta be a freaking moron!) - If you really think all of the universe is random and happened over billions of random years of chance and trial . . really?   At this point - poor Darwin and even Nietzsche have found out there is a HUGE GOD.  And guess what?

It's complicated.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Um - and I should support him why?

Oh and you all thought I was going POLITICAL no actually the person who has my SUPER awed support is a gay author and here is where everyone jumps down my throat.

You are receiving insight from someone who is "NOT A CHRISTIAN?" . . . . "bite me" is what I counter with.

Whew = that was refreshing.

I don't think being gay is necessarily God blessed.  but I think being a human with faults is who we are.  warts and all.  I was anorexic then bulimic and then I  - okay to this day - I may exercise too many hours and drink more than my body weight too often.  Does Jesus still love me?
If you are super perfect and self righteous - wait for it - wait for it . . . the truth.  Your real "eat too much" fat self (also a sin if you read it the right way - um not enough self control right?) will rise up. Your judgmental - I do XYZ  -  will rise up.
Given the time, energy or space -  if you listen to GOD on a daily basis and are a follower - the truth will - NO I MEAN -  IT WILL set you free.  BUT NOT in the way anyone who LEADS a "church" will tell you.  Wait until my real person says what I know about the inner posse of a inner inner circle of a church.  I know pastors who are peeing in fear that I will talk.  Cornerstone?. .  . :D  send me cash and I'm silent. only slightly kidding mikey.

What I am saying is that God works individually.  YOU  - yes YOU!  personally matter.  Plug into a church.  But Plug in on your own by YOUR OWN SELF as well.  God may speak to you through a GAY AUTHOR.  OMG really? Yes really really.

I am a dyed in the freaking wool Christian.  Jesus is my Buddha - Lord - Shiva - Jehovah WHATEVER.  Jesus is Lord to me.  I dig Him - full on.  He rocked - rocks and will rock forever since I think our energy lives forever.  I think human people are forever.  NOT in a creepy cockroach to cow sort of way - but in that we live forever - with God for better or for worse (so please Indiana choose wisely!)

How to . . . By Augusten Burroughs.  If you have anything you want to do different . . . you are single and want a person by your side?  you have body issues?  (helloooooooooo) you have childhood issues (double Hellooooooooo!) wow.  His brother has the same Aspberger like things my son has (runs with scissors) um.  I have been moved to a different address.

If you want someone to lay it on the proverbial LINE.  and speak straight through your screen - straight to you like a friend who you never met but were open enough to hear.  I guess the word I would use to describe this is Truth. period. When God said "the truth will set you free." He never meant 2+2=4.  That may be true but doesn't fix my OCD.  This book actually HELPS.  Truth is truth.  period.  PERIOD.

The word that is used for the scripture in the book of John was "in the beginning was the WORD and the was truth "  that WORD in Greek was "LOGOS"  logos is the word that we take our word - "Logic" from.  it's that word that we take to mean - "yes - logically - that makes sense to me." Truth just makes sense.  We are not always at that place to receive it though.  We may hear the truest DAMN thing we have ever heard in our lives and deny it as fabrication.

because we aren't ready.

This is still the book.

because he  - Augusten  - will show you then how to explore the very opposite.  How to be FAT.  He will tell you exactly how.  How to be thin.  He will also explore in delicious detail how to be that RED DIAMOND...   How to be alone.  And most Important - and better than I EVER FREAKING could have said How to find Love.  OMG.  I can say full on some people just know how to attract people.  I do not lack that skill.  For good or bad - I've never had that as an issue.  Quality was sometimes in question but I can find love.  BUT if you want to find love.  Get thee hither to a good library as I did and rent it.  Or bookstore (as I will online - aka I have not finished every chapter and I need to own this sucker.

He is an amazing human.  Forget just author.  Liz Gilbert - and Mr. Burroughs would be HUGE highlights at the dinner party of my dreams.  Tony Bourdain and too many musicians to name . . . and the random doctor or scientist and my family and friends at my home to launch my book party.  I invite you now.  If I'm writing and you are actually reading - You ARE invited.  I'll send you the shout out.

I love his take.  I get his humor.  It's super Mel Frisky dry (WLC) and super smart.  But also close to the marrow.  He pulls NO punches.  If you aren't ready to NOT be whatever you say you want to NOT be - you will HATE what he says - but it will bounce inside your freaking head like a superball in a racket ball court.  Until you decide to discount it - or own it for real.  I'm just sayin.  pain has a payoff.  I don't need to kill myself to be thin - I like thin.  But I'm learning what THIN means to me as feeling and that just a dress size doesn't cut it.  I was a 2 sliding toward whatever the hell a 0 looks like last summer training for my marathon.  I was creepy thin. And yes I did well.  I really don't want that again.  I want to like to run.  I don't want to have to.  I have more will power than most people have - I can force myself to run on broken toes because that's my personal OCD - being TOUGH.  I am not weak.  I did things while pregnant that would make a Marine tired.  I am NOT WEAK.  but i am human.  and a woman.  my mind repeats unhealthy things that I have to not believe.

Enter Augusten.  sorry to belabor a point - he's gay.  and my next thing to say is SO FREAKING WHAT?  he spoke to me.  through all of the bullshit.  I heard him - maybe because his book jumped off the shelf at me but mostly because I was like "oh - I loved your brother's book!"   Hello.  this one was to my heart.  SHOT to the heart!!!

I don't know what else to say other than. . .  Put your preconceived notions away and read it.  and if nothing moves you.  . . . well then.  good.  you got it going on.  I so so so didn't.  and still don't.  but I'm finally open enough to hear from the unbiased source.  He was the breath of God - a penitent man - penitent woman. is on their knees . .  yes.  yes.  I get it Indy.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Follow the Sun and Chase Butterflies

I have finally chosen.  I sincerely hope it's THE wise choice - but knowing me,  in that deep intimate way only I know Me - each of the other - "Side By Each" as T would have said - I have picked.  I have been looking for things that will afford me another life.  A life not filled by bitching babies......

HUGE SIDEBAR HERE  - "bravo tango whiskey" real BABY babies -  like I mean the small humans - don't bitch actually.  They, in fact, cry.  Because,  that is their only means to an end.  Human babies cry because their needs are met only by the person that HEARS that cry and then does what they cannot actually articulate other than something - be it - hunger - poop - gas - or just being tired is troubling their small bubble of life and if YOU - dear listener are able - PLEASE FREAKING HELP.
No, who I mean are adult men who suck at life because they have never had to do anything BUT bitch and have needs met - I really do need to teach a class to males from 19 to 35 who have never had to do anything but live at home and have someone else do the heavy lifting -  aka laundry and cooking and THEN bitch when they have to work for a living and it's not EASY.  Well, I would like to say to you said genius =  get thee hither to a college of higher learning and get thee an IT degree SO YOU DON"T HAVE TO GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY  - bitch!) Sorry,  the bitch part may have not been fully necessary but felt so so right so I leave it.

Okay back to the actual post and not a dissertation on infants.  What I require is a life filled by things I don't disrespect on levels that are under flesh and over bone (and no you can't steal that - It's mine!)  I am choosing something else.  I am excited - but with all new things there certainly comes a bit of cynicism.  It's a direct sale business.  I will run tandem - real 40 hr JOB and newness til I'm certain this action is good and I can stand behind it and sell it with my full human but all signs point to GO.  And that happiness has me slightly giddy.

I know a few things about the life I have lived and who I have both been and want to be.  I don't like sitting for 40+hrs a week.  It makes Katie a very dull boy and and a really punchy girl.  I can't do it.  I know that now.  I won't do it much longer.  period.  And I am more of a drill sergeant and task master to myself than any boss could ever be.  Ask any of my sewing customers.  I was NEVER late on a project and My work was next to perfect.  I was a harsher critic than they were because it reflected ME.  If I believe in something or someone I am their BIGGEST advocate or proponent.  God forbid I get into full on politics . . .   ANYWHO. . . . I won't disclose the name YET because I don't have the big reveal on EXACTLY how my personal body likes the stuff and what it can do.  If I can't use it  - given the laundry list of chemicals I CAN'T touch let alone can't even have NEAR me  - I WILL never say what it was.  PEACE out.  BUT I know - if it does what I have seen . . . ALL IN BABY.  I'll do the before and after pictures!!!

But what I'm most excited about is I COULD follow the sun.  and chase butterflies.  If this works.  If I get to work for myself again - it's again my time.  MY LIFE isn't behind someone else's desk.  I get to follow the sun.

Please know -  I really mean no disrespect for my actual boss!  I am SO thankful for the desk I sit behind.  He is amazing!!!  BUT here's where hope comes in = if I can/could change that? NO QUESTION! DONE.  If it's MY desk?  Wow - there's a thought!!  
MY TIME - MY LIFE and I call the shots again?  I can chase my own personal butterflies?  knit things because I want to - for the Linus Project?  or just because I WANT TO MAKE PURPLE LEGWARMERS (I'm a Prince lover - shut up!)  I have butterflies - flocks - hordes - freaking LEGIONS of MINIONS (and yes my minions are butterflies because that's who I call!)  and I want to chase them.
So.  Gonna do this.  I'll keep you posted.  This may NOT work.  I'm honest.  If I blow up like a beach ball and my skin peels off etc . . . You will NEVER hear from me on that THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!   But If it does do what I've heard.  . . .  I'm all in.

I have WAY too many butterflies.  And the Sun is too Bright to ignore.  I'll let you know.  But I'm sincerely  excited.  That hasn't happened in a long time.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I've said it before

perspective.  It's a beautiful thing.  Church on Saturday nights is a trip.  I love it, really -  since I hate the craziness of the  "get up - get ready  - curl things  - dress parts -  remember to put on underwear (it's an inside joke - I swear no one but Trinity saw -  and she was 2!) but beyond THAT - Saturday night is weird - in a good way.  I cry more.  I'm moved more (yeah I know - why do I wear mascara -  right?)  Tonight put a lot of things to the front of the line.  = Shout out to my American Christian friends - Pray for Us and for Eastern Europe.  I know that we know we have it easy - NO BODY kills us regularly for praising Jesus.  Out Loud.  I can say it.  OUT LOUD and really really LOUD and my guess is that I won't be shot.  We had a minister from Bosnia as our featured guest tonight.  perspective.  I can't possibly know what he's seen or dealt with or known but wow.  he was real.  a real for real - on the spot - really really really I mean it, follower of the Lord Jesus Christ.  If you have read the Bible New Testament - there is a scripture that I'm too lazy to find chapter and verse for but it talks about seeing and knowing the real and true followers by their actions. . . well - I felt him - knew him before he said a word and when he did I was leveled.  He did not make me feel like I suck -  But he did draw me to that higher place that only true worshipers know about.  Only the real ones can do that.  In truth - during worship (aka singing) I felt a heaviness - I commented to Roger that I felt it.  As someone who is empathic I feel the energy of those around me - I try to tune in if I feel I can do something - The room was SUPER heavy - I felt heaviness and pain.  The first words out of Pastor Scott were "I can sense there are chains of heaviness in here - Jesus - let these fall by your Grace."  I do think I gasped.  It all fell when Dr. Peter took the podium.  The Accent was fantastic.  His love for God was so real - calming - cooling - like an elixir.  The only way I personally can equate it won't mean anything if you aren't the fiber snob I am.  Let me try.

When I first met Roger I wanted to show my love for him by knitting him something that was NOT a sweater (google the sweater curse) I spent weeks touching smelling and fondling yarn of varied pasts histories and make ups - and in a very unseemly way.  I rubbed so many things on my own person I started to neh, bray and bah just purely out of reflex.  Then I settled on a blend of cashmere/silk/alpaca/angora that was so freaking expensive I had a $350 scarf to knit.  BUT it passed the neck test.  It's warm - light and freakishly soft.  It smells amazing and I fondle it when I want to remember why I knit it for him in the first place.  He has it still - THOUGH had to rescue it from a hotel in Ohio on a work visit. (left on a hotel door - yes they UPS'd it back to him - yes it took him 2 months to tell me - AFTER the marriage!)  Yes - this is a man who values a good knitter.  or he knows I'd kill him if he lost it.  just sayin.

What I'm sayin is that Peter.  Dr. Peter.  I won't call him Saint.  though I could.  passed the neck test.  the real ones.  you just know.


wow.  depending on who or what you watch read or do that word either can mean a lot or zip.  If I said 's anatomy and you watch tv - you may thing mcdreamy.  If I said 50 shades - you would think nipple clamps and blindfolds.  If I said matter and you had a tumor in you head it would be an entirely different word.  It would be painful and scary and hard.

I first watched Grey's with T when it first started.  He was on 2nd shift and it was on Sunday's at 8pm.  We didn't see the premiere episode but I think like the 2nd.  It was our thing.  Kids to bed and I missed usually like the first (really important 5 minutes) but it was still sacred. And then it moved to Thursday. And then we divorced.  I watched it sporadically over the last years but not really.  I always vowed to see it again - much like True Blood and I might actually let him start watching it again.  (bravo tango whiskey - Roger cheated and watched ahead of me and I punished him by refusing to watch another episode again.  that was almost a year ago.  I can be a mean vindictive bitch when I wanna be.)

On the bike the other night I turned on one of the myriad mac products that run rampant in our house and turned on netflicks.  Normally there is not a gd thing I want to see but Grey's - season 1 popped up and I honestly did an audible gasp.  the whole thing.  sans commercials.  at my fingertips,   5 episodes later I remember why I loved it.  Why it sucked us both in and also why House is a favorite of mine as well.  It speaks to me as I write.  A theme.  A topic and all things are encapsulated inside that topic for that episode - that post if you will.  There's usually music - in the case of Grey's they were the show that launched a thousand indy bands.  I love that.  There's references to other things - other ideas, other books or the outside world.  At the time of me first watching - I was a stay at home - homeschooling mom from Wisconsin.  An uber-educated one - but isolated nonetheless.  I am not that today.  Yet - it's poignant and touching all the same.  I love it still.  Actually - if truth be told - I probably love it more because I am seeing it with fresh eyes.

I will write about the other two grey's a little later but this is grey number one.  nipple clamps and blindfolds will have to wait - and grey matter. . . will also wait.

I don't have anything physically wrong with me.  today.  And I am glad.  I'm healthy again.  no more flu.  I am going to run tomorrow.   I feel excited about that for some stupid reason and that really means I am back.  but until then - I have at least 3 more episodes to pedal through.  :d peace.

Thursday, September 6, 2012


I may have said a few things about this in the past.   IMHO.  (ok - really I wish that H was actually a factor IN my opinion - but if I, Kathryn Joanne Wenzel Sullivan-Howard can be honest for a second  - there  is not a lot of H in me - bravo tango whiskey.) and !!! for good measure. I am a dyed in the freaking wool - a full on know-it-the-hell-all!  I know everything - have read everything and if I am impressed by you I MAY JUST LET you show me something I don't know but then I'll know something about it too - cuz - I ain't dumb.   just sayin

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!   GAH!!!- I hate that about me  - but it's more insecurity than arrogance - or maybe just a sad soup of it all.  I know that.  My ex got so mad at me for finishing his sentences he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks.  Full on STOPPED TALKING LIKE stopped communication.  TO ME!!!!!  for 2 weeks.  I think I divorced him soon after that.  But still - point made.  I would like to try to justify this by saying that I relished any conversation with him and wanted to feel I "KNEW" him on that INTIMATE wife only level but today I know I was just being controlling and rude.  I'm not a stupid woman - just a hurt damaged person who needed love from someone she gave way Way WAY freaking WAY too much power over her everything.  He didn't know what the hell to do with that power and she never should have given it in the first part.  Honest and real.  just sayin.

 I really really really (insert Sally Field reference here!) want to be liked!  Though if point in my favor is to be made. ..   I'm older.  I'm not 12 or 25 or JESUS even 35!  I'm full on almost 43.  I don't really need your acceptance to breathe oxygen anymore.  I don't need the people who really are mean or bad to me to LIKE me anymore (yeah that was the freaking level of my happy dysfunction!)  I can stand up to the regional VP of my own personal company and not have heart palpitations that he was "sternly correcting me."  really Reis?  you have no idea my life or situation or really how much I DON"T FREAKING CARE!!!! I was polite of course but did it make my knees shake?  resounding nope.

I actually shake more from a text from T than a personal call from Reis.  just being honest.  I guess it's the level of influence that still exists.  Again.  Honest.  But again - learning - and growing.  And moving on.

I could really write my own eat pray love.  and will.  I just don't know if I want followers.  I am so broken still.  I am moving on but so few people know what I've rolled with and just been okay with and endured and more than that - embraced.  I have endured abuse - in many forms. rape - full on.  I have had multiple levels of eating disorders.  I still struggle with body image.  I'll be honest - I have only biked for several hours a day this last flu season - I can't run.  Typing that even seems like GOD WOMAN JUST REST . .  I can't - I literally am unable to do nothing aerobic per day for at least an hour.  "if you don't workout you don't eat" - still resonates in my head like some crazy demon I thought I exorcised years ago. . .

I did not.  I am my dress size.  I am how people see me.  then again . . .

No no no no no no no!!!!! - that is actually dying more everyday.  I take back more control.  every post I write  - every honest soul baring thing I actually and honestly say takes back more of the pieces.  I am not that.  I am smart but I don't have to be arrogant.  I can be witty and funny.  I don't have to make you fall in love with me.  It's okay that T isn't in love with me.  I can be me.  I can have flat hair and my stomach can be not flat.  I am no lesser a person.  I get that for a guy it may be hair line and bank account - whatever.  I'm not perfect.  SHOCK TO THE FREE WORLD.  Katie IS NOT PERFECT!  I know - please -  sit down you all - take a cookie break - smoke something - yeah I know.   total wide systemic shock.

So - finally connections.?.  The humans you connect with on a totally cellular level?  . . they are the ones!!!!.  they may leave you - move on - move over move into move to whatever - - - -  they are the ones you keep.  Memphis - Alpharetta,  Milwaukee-ish, you keep the keepers of your heart close.  You never let them go - you make them things and then are too insecure/childish to give them. (cough cough B - and D)  That stops.  Connections - don't ever let anyone tear those away.  You fall in love with who you fall in love with even if it's stupid and it's a girl friendship - yeah - we girls - we tight . . . just sayin.

just sayin.  if you feel anything I say or said resonated in your being. . . it was meant for you because I love you.  just putting in out there.  what's so funny about peace love and understanding?

again.  just sayin.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Monday, September 3, 2012

Let us go then, you and I when the evening is spread . . .

It's been a strange and happy - though distant arrangement .  . . Tony and I.  I have never met him.  He sadly has never met me.  His loss.  IMHO.  But I have loved and worshipped him from afar.  He divorced and strangely didn't choose me - damn internet. Okay seriously?  I would have killed him in his sleep and frankly the woman he smartly married would shank him if he so much as farted and not apologized - I love that about her.  She's from Sardinia. yea.  I'm from Wisconsin.. Like Rodney - I get no respect.  But just saying.  I am an armchair chef.  I have so many things that I can't eat and it makes me feel like half a person.  I can't eat wheat.  I physically can if I want to feel like crap for 2 days and people won't want to stand near my air space - so no I can't.   But It's really the locations.  I guess it all goes back to eat pray love.  Again.  she is my alter ego except for the uber cool house and the already writing gig and the fact that I HAD kids.  I didn't go nuts til AFTER I had kids - so no I could NOT run off to Italy, India Nor Indonesia (aka Bali) though my hair rocks and Julia wishes she had mine.  But I digress - okay really when don't I chase a rabbit or 12?

Tonight is the official END of summer and I did fall to a few pieces though no one was allowed to pay attention.  I cried at my fish bowl office desk (yes I have both an office with a door that I've heard does shut) and a desk though with the level of debris on it I question that sighting!  I cried - real deal tears - my kids are in their final Middle school (the older ones) and my peanut for her Elementary stay.  I vividly remember 5th grade.  Aislinn is there right now.  I'm a way different though not saying better - just different mom than mine.  She is Bravo Tango Whiskey - 63 today.  This very day.  we baked cookies - an F'ton if you must know - that are going to Wisconsin tomorrow.  I looked into cookies by design.  yeah. 7 cookies. 50 bucks.  30 bucks shipping!  bite me.  Printco.  get ready.  I got cookies coming YOUR WAY!  lol!

I am ready to reinvent.  I've said it before.  But Frankly - I'm a little kid standing on the edge of the pool not ready to jump in.  but so so ready.  I need - from the heart. NEED to do something different.  This is really really killing me.  I saw a truck yesterday with "we do custom upholstery and slipcovers" and my heart jumped.  Gah really?  am I going backward?  Or am I just called to creation.  Is that the universe calling me back to my own hands doing the creation?  I really really don't know.

I just know - this is Tony's No Reservation's last LAST tour.  Roger finally watched an episode and strangely I think it sucked him in.  It was one I had seen like 4 times.  The Amazon episode - polished and professional later addition NR - but Tony gets hurt early on and it's a bit of a wild card.  I like it because Brazil is a country I need to visit.  The Amazon is calling and has been - much like the Mississippi called Tim and I a few years too late.  I don't want to miss this again.  I'm tired of missing the hit- missing the day, being a dollar short and a day late has been my mark.  I need to change that.  I need to reinvent.  I've been the lackey - the assistant - the one who has to go to the dry cleaner - for too many years.

My kids start school tomorrow.  New day.  I cried bitterly last week.  No one knew.  Just me.  I feel a shift.

I saw NR at it's first.  I will watch the last.  He moved on.  bring on the winds of change.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats         5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question….         10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,         15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,         20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;         25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;         30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go         35
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—         40
(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare         45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,         50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
  So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all—         55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?         60
  And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress         65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
  And should I then presume?
  And how should I begin?
.      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets         70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
.      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!         75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?         80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,         85
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,         90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—         95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
  Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;
  That is not it, at all.”
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,         100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:         105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
  “That is not it at all,
  That is not what I meant, at all.”
.      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,         115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old … I grow old …         120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.         125
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown         130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.