Saturday, May 19, 2012

These are the people I know - I know - these are the people I know

Sorry - Sesame Street started the year I was born so It's kind a - ya know - IN ME.  I have some fond memories of babies and the tv - getting used to the new muppets (zoe and elmo et al. . . ) but what I most remember is the "can't we all get along" spirit - pre Rodney King.  There are just some people - I know - I know . . . who I just . . . know.  I may or may have not lived with them or may or may not have had relations (okay none of them did I have relations with - and seriously - I did not have relations with that woman . . . lol - OK bad Clinton joke.  ok - like there is any other kind?) really - what I am saying is how is it there are people you spend YEARS with and you are gone for a weekend and it's weird.  And people you have not seen in A MILLION YEARS (or so) and it's like - hey - how's tricks?  And it's like time NEVER FREAKING PASSED? You are just in step. 

How does that work? 

I have to believe in love at first sight if I believe that I can be friends with someone that I haven't seen in  . . . um 10 years?  yet she still gets it.  gets me - gets it all.  I mean friends on that level you don't just have out of the chute - I mean the - I love when you have something to say kind of friendship. 

And others - certainly.  My sweet D and T.  I miss you so very very much.  I am so wishing for that lottery hit to start the farm here! 

There are people who I cant wait to spend days with.  Teresa T. is certainly one.  I want to spend a day with her since I think she turned into someone amazing.  Someone to envy and enjoy. 

I spent High School in a daze - unfortunately reeling from abuse and psychological issues.  I am a survivor and glad for it since it makes me an open book for anyone to ask and I'm happy to help in any way I can but it made for a weird and uncomfortable experience in an ALREADY weird environment. 

All I can say is that I am so blessed and glad and fortunate and every other freaking adjective that describes joy to have friends who accept me and love me in my 50 shades of f'd upness.  Especially my sweet husband who has seen me at my worst and has brought out the worst in me.  This has not always been a happy rodeo.  If you know someone who was sexually abused as a child - you know someone with issues.  They don't just go away.  There are demons.  There are designs.  There are dentists . . . . but I digress . . .

yeah.  I gotta go to the dentist tuesday.  all of my fillings and my crowns need to be replaced.  THEN I start the implant process . . . Yeah "BULIMIA - dont try it - you won't like it . . .  "               it makes for huge dental bills later.  REAL!! though suicide would be cheaper.  I pick life.  always have.  I'm glad my sweet Roger gets it.  We don't (okay rarely) see eye to eye but he still can take my breath away and that is enough.  He's trying and so am I.  If anyone says marriage is easy I would bow at their feet because I've never seen it.  I worshiped my first husband and that ended.  Though thankfully we are still friends and I adore his new wife beyond words - Roger and I are in the "post honeymoon we are raising pre teen phase" that is not easy for anyone.   We are even kicking around a new one.  Though that is seriously up for debate! I'm not sold!!!  I am on this ride like it's a highway.  I am not really seeing an end result - just rest stops and gas up's.

The people I know.  The B's the D's and my T's and anyone I've had fun with - cried with or broken bread with or made blood on a floor with :D You know who you are.  you know I welcome you into my home at any day - in any form and like family with nothing in your pockets.  come.  I will feed you - nourish your soul and make sure you are loved.

These are the people I know - I know - these ARE the people I know.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

50 shades of....

It's been a time times and half a time since I wrote or at least that's how it's felt.  The last time I was inspired I was blocked by my husbands time constraints on my account.  That did not end well. SO.  Today is kind of 50 shades of today. me.  I could write an angry nasty gram to the things that are under my skin today but I choose different. I choose a road that suits me  . . today. 

The knife feels so nice - comfortable in my hand.  It's razor sharp.  I know.  I just made it so.  German people make really nice things.  They understand function AND form.  I like that.  I am hungry.  Twitchy hungry even and I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get it.  A drive to that certain store that sells it.  My family will  be horrified like they always are.  I want it.  Need it even.  Why I am not sure but really don't care - as a carnivore of the first sort it really doesn't matter I want it.  Pig is cheaper but I don't eat Pig.  Ever.  Jesus didn't and I just can't.  He didn't send shrimp or lobster over a cliff.  I just can't.  But Beef.  yeah.  that's what I need.  not a steak though.  I need more.  I need what matters.  Not a filter, not liver, not stomach not any muscle.  . . I need THE muscle.  Nothing but heart will satisfy.  Yes shrimp and ribs will follow but I need heart.  now.  I really don't know why.  I just NEEDED it.

Is it an important thing that I'm missing some weird iron suppliment or random nutrient? Perhaps.  Don't care.  I just needed it.  Why do certain foods compel and then repel people?  It's so interesting to me.  I will try anything but chow mein noodles since as a child I ate rancid ones and can't ever and that one bad tequila weekend . . . but besides that . . . . I have wheat intolerance and lactose intolerance so there's a lot I just can't do but what I can I am so game for.  I don't understand grown people who won't even do the "no thank you bite" which is what I made my kids do.  really?  try it.  once if home cooked and then again professionally cooked - it may be better.  I've had bad REALLY bad liver.  and amazing liver yum inducing - happy  noise inducing.  yes.  liver.  it is possible.  trust me.  heart is better.  WAY better.  but no one eats it.  I don't understand.  Why is it a shoulder or ass or leg is "OK" but the heart is gross?   Or the tongue?  really?  Tongue is amazing and not just in person :D really it's a great cut but WE as stupid American's don't try.  I'm trying to be a bigger person this year.  Bigger mom - bigger wife - bigger writer and certainly bigger runner.  I want to get faster - closer to the bone.  More in tune with who I am as a woman.  I certainly love where I am - geographically - personally is harder - I'm a harsh critic.  I want to be more but have to still the voices in my head and decide who to follow.  I want to be way more.  There may be a degree or two on the forefront.  and perhaps a new life.  maybe.  again.  50.