Katie's day off

So I took a sic-ation day today.  I really don't feel well because R decided to get sick last Saturday  - though I tried explaining that was a really BAD idea all around - then he decided to share said sickness with me.  I'm not really sick per say just not feeling super awesome.  Plus I'd scheduled this day off already.  Don't care.  My day.  Sick or not I persevered.  Plus it's his Birthday!  Can't sleep through that one.  Got up and watched the WEIRDEST claymation movie ever on our stationary bike.  Mary and Max.  Netflix it.  Bizarre and haunting.  soooooo I pedaled til the movie ended and my butt was numb.  But I really wanted to run so I went outside to jump rope (yeah I know - adhd girl.) got tired of that so came in and did a quick 4 miles.  Took the kids to the mall as promised.  Got said items for birthday  - ingredients for cake, dinner and card.  Came home - baked cake and sat outside making Trinity's messenger bag (going to be knit and felted - by Tuesday - fingers WAY crossed) Frosted cake and then took Aislinn to her open house to meet her 5th grade (OMG) teacher.  Dollar store on the way home for MORE gifts (an entire box filled with his favorite candy and balloons!) Finished the cake wrapped box of candy and then took a good look at the kitchen. ugh.

Have you ever been so frustrated with the grime level in your dwelling that you just did the following . . .

Half a bottle of bleach mixed with as much water.  Kind of a cleaning version of napalm!  I blasted my entire freaking kitchen - walls and all.  The wall behind our garbage can got straight bleach and I sincerely hope my hands recover but you really could eat off my floor right now.

When you work full time -  live with 3 kids - 3 dogs - 2 guinea pigs (who remain close but separate) and a husband who does a mean load of laundry, cleans up after a frantic evening meal and will carry all of the groceries in by himself (but doesn't NOTICE when his bathroom has gone on a garbage strike!)  a day off is certainly not a bonbon filled massage-fest.  I'm not complaining - just warning those of you who are considering having humans exit your body and then care for them til they run away - either marry a rich man or go to school and get a job that pays you a lot so you can have someone else napalm your dirt.  Or just get used to doing yourowndamnself.  I don't really care - it's actually kind of fun (in that sick sort of way) but that is my day.  sort of.  I need to start dinner now.  Oh wait - one of the dogs is puking. I need a glass of wine.  

Those who can't do . .

I am putting two feet down now.  That quote can die now.  I hate it and have always hated it.  I have spent too much time with people - individuals - AWESOME freaking people WHO CAN do more than I could stomach (you forget I homeschooled my son for 2 years! and yes Trinity you learned to read over your brother's shoulder and NO you didn't get a full on kindergarten but I sincerely doubt "oh queen of the gifted and talented" that no K will hold you back from your future holding of being "Queen of the WORLD")   Liam's teacher from last year - the one who loved him dearly and called me - A LOT - and cared and well - got him.  sigh.  she's moving to the High School and actually called because she knew he would notice and be upset.  he did.  and was.  BUT cool thing is she has him in the next 4 years if we are still here.  We may have a move coming - maybe.  Planview software is apparently cool - who knew?  West Coast?  maybe?

But - Trin has a tough schedule.  Liam ?  Yeah baby.  A blast from the past.  Ms. Stansbury from the Elementary School has resurfaced in the Middle School.  God has opened a new window.  I'm smiling.

But This is also a shout out.  I want to do a Girls on the Run chapter here.  It's spendy but My COMPANY may pay for it.  Anybody know or done it?  I am all in with both feet but tell me good bad indifferent.  anyone.  I want to know before I ask the BIG CHEESE for cash.  Thanks :D  run on . . . :D

got nothing.

and yet.  Me being me - chatty as hell.  Just fingers and keyboard and thoughts - really if truth be told just a little wee bit of stupid cheap wine of suspicious origin - oh hell - it's just cheap crap!

I can write about freaking anything if anyone chimed in on the topic.  I'm that girl.  Really - I'm toying with stand up.  I know me.  Talking.  In front of people.  being funny.  and totally me.  It's such a stretch I know you all CAN't see it.  frankly it so fits.  I wanna puke.  I just need THE act.  the speech.  I did it in High School for crying out loud.  I built 30 minutes of stuff in 2 days now that I know I need to do this and get heckled and cry and then run home and  . . . and  .  and . wait?. I like hecklers.  I can think on my feet and rip people to shreds if I can see them.  (oh - did I say that out loud?)  I mean - I love Jesus and would never ever say anything bad . . oh lord who am I kidding you all know me.  I'm a total bitch.  In a good way right?  I want to do stand up comedy more than anything.  Well = okay I want to do the book but comedy may be my in.  DC has more comedy bars - tip your waitress well - than any city outside Chi town and it's frankly too FIBy for me there :D.

I just need to find the niche.  I think Christian/knitter/mom/homebirth/homeschool/Wisconsin/Shakespeare/runner/sexfreak/ should round it out.  Right?  lol.

Thought so.  need to perfect the act.  I'll keep you posted.  I like to hear me talk far too much to not do this if I can.  Comedy central special circa 2014.  :D  you all knew me when . . . :D

Pleasure Sauce

I'm pretty sure I want to write THAT book.

Okay.

So,  as I am gainfully employed for the present - I would send this recommendation to you if you are of the same and can do as such.  Take a day off during the week for no good reason other than to do it.

I was a stay at home mom for so many years - though I sewed for a home business during that time  - doing something I passionately loved and proudly - FREAKING rocked at.  I got to keep my own schedule.  BUT I was surrounded by 3 little people who, though delightful, were shockingly quite demanding in their need of me.  My time was summarily NOT my own.  Flash forward a few years and they really do love me but do not require my every waking second to wipe nether regions nor feed their ever present gaping maws every second of every day!  In fact - if truth be told - I do think they would like LESS of me on certain days and ABSOLUTELY at certain moments of direct parenting.  FINE.  But my time again isSTILL not mine.  I happen to work for a wonderful person.  His character is so beyond description I just won't.  At the end of the day - if he were not at the helm - the ride would not be worth it.  period.  BUT still.  It's not me calling the shots (though everyone in the office knows who actually runs the show and they have girl parts and their names rhyme with Sarrah and Katie)  just preaching the truth folks.

My kids came back to get re"programmed" for the school year a full 2 weeks early this year.  I'm SO not saying Tim and Sabrina and various/sundry family members did a bad job - it's just not quite home and bed and bedtimes and school supplies and routine when you aren't here.  So I asked that they come home early to get the pattern started.  Then Trinity (first day home) tore out her ankle at a Hunger Games Bday party.  :( If nothing else - she is SO my kid.  Welcome to the fold young one.  Get used to it.

So again back to the subject.  Time.  I petition you if you can to JUST (carpe diem it and ) Take the day.  We have things for the kids to do in this next week - Roger and I have both stayed home - today was my personal day.  I lounged in bed to the salacious time of 7am!  call me a whore - deservedly!  Then I ran - not as far as I wanted but again - I'm listening when my body says - enough - please let me heal.  I feel good and not like a wrung out dish rag as I had in the past when I soldiered on and JUST DID IT and then hated life for 3 days.  I learn.  and yes I can be taught!  LOL!

But then after my run we went to both donate to Salvation Army and PURCHASE (always my favorite part).  I freaking love that store.  They may be slightly more expensive than most thrift stores but they only take good quality things so the crap factor is reduced.  I'm okay with that.  4 pair of jeans 17 t-shirts 4 sweaters a silk skirt and a NEW pair of sandals was 60 bucks.  I'm pretty sure the DKNY jeans were 60 bucks new.

My crazy grocery store - at 2pm on a Thursday was different.  I liked it.  New vibe.  Different cashier.  GORGEOUS (not sure origin - just gorgeous - spoke Indian - Spanish and English. )  Rosetta stone here I come.  Wow.  She was all of 12 (kidding maybe 16!)

Blue crab.  1.99 lb - score.  It was fun watching them grab each other for dear life - not knowing I WANT YOU ALL  (insert evil mwaaaaaaahhhhh laugh here)

Got ground meat and marrow bones and OF course - BEEF HEART!!!!  yum.  and then there it was.  like the holy freaking grail.  in a jar.  Why else am I on earth other than to praise GOD and to serve man but HOLY HANNAH there it was.  The answer to all life's ills and troubles and cancer and divorce and global warming and improper fitting underwear.. . . . it was simply on a shelf next to it's neighbors that I did not purchase.  Ladies and gentlemen I give you . . .

  

Pleasure sauce.  PERIOD.  really?  It comes in a jar?    Ingredients - in case you should need some of your own pleasure and don't live here - Apple cider Vinegar. Jalapeno peppers.  Cilantro, EVOO (yeah Rachel bite me) Salt, Garlic, Apparently the phrase " all natural, Burn with pleasure" are also in the ingredient listing.  I personally am okay with that.

End of day.  If you can just do "nothing" in your life for a day - do it.  Vacations are great.  Loved Vegas - but really - to be honest I did not come back refreshed - I wanted to go back instantly.  Vacation is spoil city.  I was spoiled.  Times a million.  I WANT VACATION 24/7 365!!!!  Not in my lifetime unless we win the lottery or I invent something.  Work just IS - like it or not.  I miss working for myself but frankly the boss can be a bitch now and then.  :D  still.

But if you do nothing for a day - it's just you - already in town.  At home.  Sleep in.  work out.  shower.  Shave things you don't always have time to do so carefully.  Just sayin :D.  Watch a movie - or shop.  Go where you always do but at a different hour.  get the different vibe.  relax.  eat a slow meal - or better.  Don't.  wait and don't eat and have a huge dinner.  find a cool store that you've been to scared to go to for language or whatever reason and JUST DO IT.  LOAD up - get something amazing - find a used bookstore and get a new cook book and use your new skills to make something great - or new or whatever.  all I'm saying is that a mental health day is the living embodiment of PLEASURE SAUCE.  spread it on.

Can't read my no he can't read my poker face . . .

"my poker face."

is it being insensitive?  or just being an actor?

Frankly I just don't have it.  I can try but if you are close you can see in my eyes what I'm feeling.  I'm too empathic to pretend. If truth be known  - I won't just show what I'm feeling but I'll mirror what YOU are feeling.  Yeah that freaks out most people who have gotten blasted with their emotions radiated out of me back at them.  It's really not fun and wears me the hell out.  It just takes the tar right out of me.

I can do a tough work environment - I can do getting "blasted" (also known as customers calling and BITCHING at the top of their lungs because YOU SUCK - i'm part of that "you"..  I personally am a nice person and will do xyz to fix your dirty rags not being clean and your urinal screens not being changed and your uniforms not being whatever and . . . )  and then it hits me that these are not life and death things but but BUT STILL are important.  If the rags at X restaurant are dirty and we don't fix it - they may choose to REUSE them and then YOU dear restaurant goer WILL get sick.  Not my direct fault but I AM still a cog in this proverbial wheel.  I take my CogDOM seriously since I NOW choose to be a 35,000 ft seer.

I refuse to micromanage my life any longer.  We are all part of the collective.  NOT THE BORG = we are not mindless cogs - we are a part - like it or NOT.  For good or evil  - we are.  I don't care if you believe in GOD, god or just the universe as a whole.  WE ARE.  I choose to believe in the Jehovah GOD of the Bible - but that's just me.  I like the view from above.  However, from here you do see more.  You see,  if you don't do what is required on Tuesday - Friday is gonna suck.  It may be just my new "high up" thing but I kinda like it.

I also like my new attitude.  I won't give credit to anything other than new ideas that aren't new.  Jesus is amazing and very big.  He is bigger than most Christians I know give HIM credit for being.  I like that.  I know a lot of Christians - I love them all  - but I don't necessarily fit who they knew me to be when they knew me.  I'm a different creature.  I'm just differently oriented - pointed in a different direction.  Still love GOD with my soul to my toes.  . . I just don't judge so fast. *  (*sidebar - if you knew me before - I was a very sweet but reserved until you knew me knew me and then I was a bit louder but SUPER opinionated in how I thought GOD worked.  But was a crazy knitter for all you knew.)

 I now know what being taken to the floor with your forehead really hard - numerous times - repeatedly will fix for you.  It actually fixes a lot of wrong thinking.  and actually makes your nose a little weird - but nothing time won't fix.

I know a lot more than I did before.  I also had to ask for a HUGE garbage can of forgiveness.  Of course HE showed up - He's good that way.  But as in 5th grade - innocence lost.  I know a lot more - am way sadder - but wiser.  Hope I'm the girl for him.          

Nostalgia . . . . it's a bitch (NOT love Mick - sorry)

So -WE LAND In Vegas - I am beyond tired - jet lagged I guess - yeah! 3 hours time difference messes with this bitch - sorry to say!  I'm normally in bed  - reading by 9 pm - so we landed at 1am MY TIME though still "PARTY" time Vegas (though when isn't it party time in Vegas? - 6am is the answer - I know this because when I went for a run at 6 am Vegas Time all I saw was sleeping people on the street or other runners - knuckle punch baby!)  This is my ONE and only vacation this year.  I dieted - worked out and knit things for this vacation.  I got books from the library for this vacation.  I am NOT wimping out!  We get car.  Get alcohol for HOTEL room - I do remember said HOTEL mark UP on the things you WANT or Need - I drive outside can save you 50%.  So THEN we head to Hotel.  We go WAY north.  Ok we head to the Stratosphere.  Not the best hotel.  Certainly NOT the best location.  But 4 years ago Roger and I landed there May 2nd, 2008 to get married at a chapel just a limo ride down the road.  Roger scored a 2 room suite and THAT made "my day" the day of all days.   I HAD planned our wedding down to sewing my dress and getting the chapel.  It was so awesome - including his friend BOB miscalculating time and calling in the middle of the service :D.  So nostalgia - she is a bitch.  The Strat is NOT my favorite hotel but it seems we go back to what we know.  We always rent a car so who cares where where we stay?   I like it.  I get it.  It works.  Here's just what I'm saying  - I remember IT.

We landed - tired ready to game up.  We go North  - this time I mean UP.  The Strat you could pick out from the space shuttle.  It's TALL shall we say.  Bar at the top is cool.  We meet some girls on Holiday from  England.  Yeah - they fled the Olympics.  to tour our US.   One girl had a tattoo (hello - instantly cool right?) of Alice in Wonderland - drawn by Dali.  OMG the book is going for like $13,000 if you could find it.  It was of her jump rope and her skirt in shadow.  SUPER cool.  I loved it instantly.  They were on to Colorado the next day (oh wait we closed the bar) so THAT day they were on their way.  Hey Sarrah and Fleur!

I have since come back to reality - kids are back - I'm full on mom but this concept has stuck.  I love Dali and love Alice of course.  But what hits me and has hit me for years has been a a memory of a collection of books that I had as a child.  I remember them like in a dream - I had them and then my siblings summarily destroyed them!  My story my rules.  You don't like it Michael?  Write your damn own blog :D

Dandelion Library had some books on the alphabet - stories - peter pan etc. . . that were 2 sided books.  Three Little Horses was one of my favorites because just down from my house in Winneconne was the Mayor's house that had hitching posts that were 3 horse heads.  I pretended they were Blackie, Brownie and Whitey (so not PC - right).  I remember holding these books before I could read - willing what they said would just be transported into my brain - GOODNESS it could have been written in Sanskrit - I just needed it to mean something to me.  I wanted to KNOW - I had to know how to read so bad it was an ache I still remember.

Today I woke up thinking about a book I really (alright - desperately!) wanted.  Thank God and Ebay I remembered the title after I woke up.  8 bucks later it's posting it's way to my hands.  course I had to buy the set.  all told I spent 20 bucks on my childhood memory.  Not a bad dream if I do say.  I'm pretty sure there's a tattoo in my future.  duh.  THAT goes without saying.

speechless

My kids come back to me tomorrow.  They have been gone 7 weeks.  It has been both a reprieve and struggle.  I am a creature of habit.  I'm an athlete.  I finally get to say that and not feel arrogant.  I did a marathon and did it fairly well.  I like to run.  it suits me.  I'm not running a marathon in 2 hours -  ever.  I know that.  frankly it would not be physically possible.  My legs are not 20 feet long!  and I'm not Ugandan or Kenyan.  little known fact.

My kids leave for the summer to spend time with their dad/stepmom and Wisconsin family - my world summarily shifts on it's axis.  I don't know what to do.  I both sigh in "LESS RESPONSIBILITY"  WHEEEEEEE!!!  and sigh in - SNAFU (situation Normal all "f"UP)

I miss them and relax and then feel a bit guilty for relaxing because what good mom doesn't want her children around her 24/7 and then I remember I AM a good MOM and feel guilty for feeling guilty since that's a Catholic thing and not a former Lutheran and decidedly not an Assembly of God thing . . . gah.

I got a bit of a lift last weekend seeing my sister Kristen and her husband Tom and my nephews Hayden and Ellis as they toured DC and we joined them last Saturday.  Hayden/Ellis  - who are hands down the coolest kids on the planet that didn't come out of my body . ..... . went to the Spy Museum - Hayden got a wallet with a badge inside it (the same one I told them was boring and that the boys thought was the most amazing place on earth - I suck :D )

We were walking down Constitution Ave (cuz yeah that's how we do it . . in the "DMV" (DC, Maryland and Virginia - yeah boyyyyy)

So down Constitution we were, on a scavenger hunt from the Marriott DC (cool hotel - stay there!) to the Lincoln.  It's a bit of a walk shall we say.  I forget what it's like to have little kids.  FORGET? LIKE A HOT FREAKING ROCK I FORGET!   I loved being pregnant.  I actually LOVED giving - oh yeah - GIVING BIRTH.  it was the next 4 years I could give the hell away.  I really really don't dig little kids.  beyond 5.  we good.  nursing.  necessary.  did it.  glad when over.  sorry when over really.  you never EVER recover.  least  I didn't.  sad little girls. :D  YEAH victoria secret.  shhhhhhh.

ANYWAY.  We had to stop like every block.  Now I'm used to whiners.  WHINERS!!!  WHINING on an epic HUGH GIGANTIC scale.  this was new.  Then again - when my kids were young we did FREAKING NOTHING!!!!!  A lunch was too much!  at home!  forget going out - VACATION?  are you on CRACK?  so I embrace that we walk slow and carry a tired child.  Roger even carried Ellis who I'm fairly certain didn't remember him.   But being Roger - got down and met him face to face and he has a kind face - and same goatee as dad -  must be a good guy right?  carried him a good half mile.

Let me also say it's hot - swamp Virginia/DC HOT!  we are sweaty and a bit cranky and I'm having shoe issues.

We are walking down C. Ave (yeah baby) and there are 2 mounted officers coming toward us. There are these Proud Officers on GORGEOUS horses - an absolutely amazing sight.  My nephew Hayden is in front of us.  He sees the officers. Hayden takes out his wallet WITH the badge.  Flashes badge and salutes them.  Saying silently, "I'm one of you - and I honor you fellow warriors!"  These men salute him back.  I know I teared up and an audible gasp escaped.  My sister did the same.

You can't make that up.

I got to hear some really great stories about my kids from my sister - things that made me laugh - cry and very proud.  Kids are amazing.  I can say with pride.  Being the mom to my kids is amazing and I love ever minute I get!  They make me who I am and make be proud to say they are mine!  Glad to have you back Babies!


  

My own WalMart person Experience. I live to tell the tale

I have a degree.  and I'd be lying if I said I made decent money at it. but the flex schedule and nice people outweigh (no they don't) the lack of funds.  BUT employed I am young jedi.

AS always, on task I was on my way to my personally closest Walmart which is in a tiny mall-ito (yeah - that's where I live - but they have a Gamestop, Vicky's and Hot Topic - flanked with a Target - what more Do I need?  really - bah!)

So I shopped and got my stuff -

Okay full stop here.  Here's my geek - or like I choose for it to be known.  "my legs fully work and there are old people who shop here."  SO I summarily park in NO MAN's LAND.  full on.  I walk - or rather -  TODAY, it was MORE of an ass lifted strut if you must know  - since I was wearing these new FIERCE boots that really matched my outfit nicely and only killed small portions of my soul in the wearing.

So "Ass Lifted Strut" (or ALS)  My last kid's initials - coincidence? I think not!!!! - so ALS and I  pranced our painful but nicely paced ass- Yeah on a MISSION - "I have a conference call to be on in 40 minutes bitch so move your RASCAL/SCOOTER out of my way . . ." (thoughts only  - really I swear! I still really really love Jesus)  I push my way through the store to procure said components for dinner and to save Jesus another Wedding at Cana - I mean really how many folks need to get married there for us to just say Enough?  Walmart sells Wine so cheap - really Lord - save it for Heaven - give me the super duper amazing champagne toast when I skid in sideways covered in henna and reeking of legal marijuana (I can hope right?)   So I am down with the cheap wine.  when it's my dollar (see above on my funds) I'm cheap.  When serving the masses I like to splurge.  Because that is what I like love live to do.  I like making people feel welcomed - blessed and served - I was told years ago that I have the gift of hospitality.  Tell me personally if you have felt that - I would like to own a B and B with my mom and dad some day.    

So again - digress.  I'm getting to it.  GEEZ   let a girl tell a story for goodness sake.

SO - I am wearing FIERCE sweet boots - and matching outfit - I'm tan - not unfit - and have a LONG red braid and fake LV purse that I'd NEVER in a million pay for a real one since I KILL purses in a sad pen and  perfumed death that I would really never recover from.  Fake fake fake baby.  I SO don't care who thinks I'm dumb and then envy's me.  I prefer to keep my money and spend it on yarn - yeah - that's my thought process.  Twisted and sick and yet - consequently WORKS for me.  SCORE.

So I load my FAR away car.  AND as the responsible registered voter - I want to return my cart.  I notice then the very tall man next to his burgundy Ford Ranger with door open.  My inner (yes thanks to the men in my life who berate me for not being more ON IT) I was like (oh.  you were there 20 minutes ago when I pulled in - with your door open.  WTF?)   He approaches me and say's - "I'll take your cart."

It is only that moment.  then.  When I notice - he's wearing MESH shorts.

AND NOTHING ELSE!

The Liberty Bell was a thought - DEAR LORD -

"Thanks - cart's all yours,"  was what I said. . .

He didn't return it.  went back to his truck.  Perched on top of it.  OMG.

He was not unattractive.  Liam Niessen - ish.  but he was solely looking for my reaction.  That's when the skin raised on my arms as I drove away.  I am so worried about my money or getting killed but really just a creeper looking to be weird??? wasn't ready.  damn.

I didn't give him a reaction - my acting training kicked in for some stupid reason or rather dicks don't really scare me - but LORD really -  in a Walmart Parking lot?  I really will go back tomorrow and if he is there again I'm going to say something since I'm a strong female with Pepper Spray on me 24/7  and not some little girl from the nearby HS.  My kids start school and My fear is for my kids and their friends.

NOW get me -  I am all about COOL Deviants - WE make the world go around.  - but ONLY among the 21 and consenting crew.  Get your personal freak on - BUT leave the little one's out.  REALLY?  They don't call me Mama Bear for no reason.
 
Don't mess with my home/kids/state et al. . .   This is going to be interesting . .  Since my feelings about Walmart are mixed.  Love (cost) HATE (soul sucking).  BUT their reaction if He's there again.  Will be my litmus test.  If he's taken to the hills - cool - but then again - If he's uber creeper with junk dangling (and yeah microphone - full on) I'm on it.

I saw your personal junk.  If you are there tomorrow.  . . :D  I got this one :D

I quit. again

so it's really not as easy as one would think to quit one's job when one is as ubercontrolling as I apparantly am.  Or so it would appear.  I want to leave UniF. for more reasons than I can personally name (cough - ETHICAL issues cough)  but the NUMBER one - # ONE reason is . . . wait for it - wait for it.  I hate sitting for a paycheck.  YES - hazzah - hurray - cha f'ing ching. I hate to sit for 8 hours.  I try to make excuses to stand and do something else but my job is summed up in -  8am ASS meets CHAIR. period. 5pm ASS LIFTS from chair and gets in a moving chair (aka car) and goes home where I vibrate (not in that special kind of way though) until I go to bed.  I have to run during my "lunch hour" just to not lose my freaking mind.  Running at work in Virginia in the summer with 9 million percent humidity has all kinds of weird written over it but suffice it to say I sweat like a trucker and swear like a pig. But I don't care.  I have to get out of the ice box (another happy addition to my job - it's 98 outside but 64 INSIDE - my CSR is wearing a hoodie and a blanket!)  just to feel human for an hour.  I've heard some crazy rumor that - "IT's MY Life" (sure Jon Bon Jovi - I'm sure it IS yours) - right?.  This is not my life - this is Ron's life and I hate Ron.  (Ron owns UniF.)  I don't like him just on principle BUT to be fair I don't know him personally.  He did really suck on Undercover Boss - doing the jobs he expects others to do - and not pay them very well for it. THOUGH he did - for all of TVland to see - redeem himself by paying 3 lucky people out of the 12,000 who work for him, a bit of cash.  He's a freaking millionaire because of the mafia and his dad.  Yup, (side-of-nose-swipe) people slept with fishes (not in a kinky way) if they didn't pick UniF for their stuff.  Not kidding folks.

Soooooo.  I know so many people who huff stuff for a living - who move and groove all day long - they bitch because I "get to" sit on my butt all day.  Well sweetheart - that's not my idea of fun!... They get to  deliver things to places and get it DONE.  BUT I also know that the thought of driving in Northern Virginia - aka the worst traffic in the nation - makes me want to puke SO DRIVING things would not be my personal coolness.  As far as the not sitting/standing jobs - I have been both a bartender and waitress and though I was really good at both the smoke killed me.  

SIDEBAR here - I hate smoke.  I just do - I've never been a smoker but in college I wanted to - it just did nothing for me.  No buzz no hit NOTHING (and yes I was doing it right)   I also HATE the freaking SAFETY police that tell me that I have to wear my seat belt - when, if I crash - and am not wearing my seat belt - WHO, BUT ME an ADULT AMERICAN WHO PAYS TAXES dies?  just me.  Unless I rocket out of my car and hit a Senator - really?  LET ME DECIDE.  I wear it because it's a good idea.  just like I brush my teeth (that and the bad breath thing) but really - as adults let us pick.  I personally would legalize Marijuana but that's another post.  I get not letting babies smoke or do crack.  I makes them all colicky.  But while I appreciate not being the guinea pig of the 50's (hey let's try this drug and see who it doesn't kill?) I don't really like big brother GBMENT legislating AT me what I already know -  but should get to pick for my ownself - since geez, I already have to shave everyday!  But back to Vegas :D  I love it.  actually that is not right - I LOVE IT CRAVE IT LUST IT WANT come to me cheri I will whisper sweet things to your neon lit ears . . . . sorry you didn't need to see that :D - I love Vegas and thankfully hubby does too.  He wants to go back as soon as we can.  But back to the smoke thing - it killed me.  I get letting smokers smoke.  Since in Las V.  Smokers who smoke are gamblers who gamble who are spenders who spend . . . I get it!  I just end up sounding like a phone sex lady with a cough.  I lose my voice, which for Roger isn't the worst thing ever . . . , but I can't breathe either, which I've found as a humanoid is kind of imperative.  I wish I could say breathing is overrated but I run - kind of as a hobby and need my lungs to work.  smoke makes that not as fun.    Alright - citizen - commence to your regularly scheduled programming. . . .

  The waitress thing would rock -  but I have kids who go to school and when (besides a fast lunch with cheap tips) do people eat out ?. . . DINNER!  Right.  SO - I'm going to make up my own job.  I am going to get paid stupid amounts of money to do what I want.  Be who I want - eat what I want and work out when I want.  I'm going to adopt a way of talking and acting that you will want to imitate.  You can watch me do it if you want.  Wait that's "reality TV."  So I want that.  Or maybe I write a great book - you pay to read it and you don't have to look at my sorry mug on TV.  I like that better.

I don't know if someone from UniF. Corporate can read this - chances are given the level of REPORTS meaningless mindless mundane REPORTS we churn out like worker drones - that really mean freaking NOTHING they don't read - or do ANYTHING but beat puppies to death for fun.  I will be in on Monday unless Guido finds me and thankfully I do know a few things about self defense.  stop drop and roll right?
 

The Boiled Frog

I have a farm in Africa. . . I actually wish my story was nearly as epic.  Nope.  I had a house in Wisconsin.  Not quite the same ring.  But my story - is - well, mine.  And though I wasn't raised a poor black child in Mississippi I was raised a fairly poor kid in Winneconne, Wisconsin.  EAA was the the BIG event and if you fly planes - yeah I was raised near that awesomeness HEAD bob - peace sign  I AM THE SHIT!  - and if you didn't,  it is close to Green Bay (as in Packers).

My story is as anyone's personal story - personally mine and yet I guess not so  - since I did - so often bump into other folks who also bumped into me on their personal journeys.  I will not mention their exact names unless they give me permission to talk about them since this is not an act of fiction - but a biography of sorts.  I - like Hemingway and Bukowski (yeah like I get to be THAT barfly? wishes are fishes) have met some amazing characters along the way so far and want to make sure that the world basks in their collective coolness.  I want to make it known first up that I am a Christian.  Note the capital letter.  I know.  I know.  I know - that's not a popular thing these days,  to be all Jesus and stuff - but well, geez.  I am.  So - you collective reader - and I'm pretending that you are so so into me and maybe a little hot on me - cuz really that's how I roll . .  So you reader are in for a delicious treat.  You get to watch a super self centered - CHRISTIAN - fall from her Holier than THOU perch onto her freaking FACE.   Pretty much give God - her personal LORD AND SAVIOR the finger and run.  And the cool part is - - this story is not . . .

No light - no light.

They say confession is good for the soul.  and GREAT if you get a book deal out of REAL soul baring.  Ask Elizabeth Gilbert.  Eat Pray Love was her proverbial confession - was her version of  "make- it- all- good.  I'm not so convinced.  I have skeletons.  We all do I guess.  Mine are just still wearing skin.  I can't bare without sacrificing real people to the flame of the sun. "I can't see a way - I'm always dragging that horse around.  Shake him off . . .  "

I feel heavy.  You ever feel that?  I have a huge sack - a sack of life.  poor choices.  bad words.  Florence says to shake it off.  I really like that.  It's hard to dance with the devil on your back - so shake it off.

I feel a storm coming.  I know so so many people who don't believe in the super natural - in things we can't see or feel or explain but well, I am a supernatural woman.  I feel beyond the normal = I'm no better than anyone - I'm just different.  I feel emotions radiating out of people around me.  I can find lost things.  Or at least tell you where they are.  If they got lost or are beyond your kingdom - I can feel it.  Pockets full of stones = let the only sound - be the over flow - let the only sound be the over flow . . . .

I don't pretend to know or be higher than my paygrade - I just know -  finally who I am.  But I feel caught.   I can't move. I'm here.  For a reason - i don't know.  you can't choose what stays and what fades away.

Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.

And it's peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral, where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under, Oh.

And it's breaking over me,
A thousand miles onto the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.

Though the pressure's hard to take,
It's the only way I can escape,
It seems a heavy choice to make,
But now I am under, Oh.

And it's breaking over me,
A thousand miles down to the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/florence_and_the_machine/never_let_me_go.html ]
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.

And it's over,
And I'm going under,
But I'm not giving up!
I'm just giving in.

Oh, slipping underneath.
Oh, so cold, but so sweet.

In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold,
And all this devotion I never knew at all,
And the crashes are Heaven, for a sinner released,
And the arms of the ocean,
Deliver me.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

Deliver me.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

Deliver me.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.

And it's over,
And I'm goin' under,
But I'm not givin' up!
I'm just givin' in.

Oh, slipping underneath.
Oh, so cold, but so sweet

I get the slipping under.  I get the letting go.  But I have people who need me.  And that's a reason to hang on with teeth.  I just don't want to hurt people.  I've seen so much hurt in my life.  Been it, been part of it. and really don't want it anymore.  Control is a hugely abused thing.  I'm tired a lot these days.  I'm just tired.  I hate control.  just sayin.

I'm in a holding pattern.  today.  like I'm waiting for the storm to hit.  prepped and ready but waiting.  WHAT?

Tell me what you want me to say.

Give me a reason. please.
  

 "No Light, No Light"

You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between what I thought
And what I said

You are the night time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over you'll start
You're my head
You're my heart

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day
You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say

Through the crowd, I was crying out
And in your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me, I need to make it right

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say

Would you leave me,
If I told you what I've done?
And would you need me,
If I told you what I've become?
'cause it's so easy,
To say it to a crowd
But it's so hard, my love,
To say it to you out loud

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes
I never knew daylight could be so violent
A revelation in the light of day,
You can't choose what stays and what fades away

And I'd do anything to make you stay
No light, no light
No light
Tell me what you want me to say

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation
Some kind of resolution
You want a revelation

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But, it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation, some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say.