Tuesday, November 27, 2012


I can still hear the Willem Defoe voice saying that word the first time I watched BoonDock Saints.  One of my ALL TIME FAVorite movies.

Yet.  In the age of portmanteaus  - GINORMOUS - or DoucheTARD - or my most recent - SHEEPLE - come on?!? - SYMBOLOGY may be just some dumb- ass cop misspeaking OR? a new great word. ..

Symbology may become my new passion.  though I would say symbols have and always will be one my favorite secret things.  I just heard a song from Damien Rice - album cover had an elephant on the cover.  I thought instantly of Barbara.  suddenly every part of that song made me think of her.   Song named Cannonball . . . tell me how awesome AOL radio picking a station based on the artist of the day.   Tell me that's not crack to an addict?

I look around every corner for symbols.  I'm THAT person.  In the love story movie chick flick - whatever - "Serendipity" - she (yeah HOT chick) and YEAH  John Cussack! share a pair of cashmere gloves - black at that.  And a worn copy of Love in the Time of Cholera!  OMG.  Symbols?  yup.

SO.  how's it going?

kidding.  I look for God's hand and symbols and frankly everything means something to me and really? - KATIE sometimes it's just a ham sandwich.  

But sometimes.  well, Sculley - it's more.  There are things that bump.  and more than grind

SOMETIMES - there are demons.  and frankly - sometimes - BEYOND THIS POINT THERE BE DRAGONS!

I know.  I am one of the fool- hearty who venture out.  on occasion.

Crosses.  they are good.  Elephants.  they rock.

But the best of them all - if you find a Tardis.  you know you have something good in store!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Sooooo Baaaaaaaaaaad!

Sheeple (a portmanteau of "sheep" and "people") is a term of disparagement in which people are likened to sheep, a herd animal. The term is used to describe those who voluntarily acquiesce to a suggestion without critical analysis or research. They undermine their own individuality and may willingly give up their rights.

God - if we are talking MY PERSONAL (no He's not actually -  like in my pocket or on a shelf) last time I checked HE's kind of on the all knowing all seeing all powerful category . . More like one the lines of the . . . . JEHOVAH but don't step on the J.  Indy.

Sheeple.  I try so hard not to be one.  I think this last election brought out the worst of the sheeple in all of us.  White folks voting for the white guy.  Black folks and the bleeding heart liberals and the uneducated and all of Illinois went for Captain Teleprompter.  

Though I am not always so "Janey on the Spot."  I am NEVER watching tv.  Okay wait that's not true.  I do something else while watching my dvr'd shows.    I run - pedal or spin (whatever the elliptical movement is.) I can't just sit.  I sit at my job for like 9+hours and HATE IT with a capital HATE.  I can't SIT watching TV - LORD.  So news is kind of well . . . um. .  fed me.  YEAH it is.  Larry Hagman :(  Israel vs Egypt :(  Riannah and Chris Brown (stupid b. but well did you see his stuff?  um well - i would maybe take a punch to tap that . .  . . "D KIDDING!) 

God (as we discussed prior - aka the KJV of HIM - calls us - HIS  PEOPLE sheep.  a lot.  Let's talk sheep.  They are so dumb.  They will die of thirst beside a river if the water is going too fast for them.  (check for reverence 23 psalm - think STILL WATER)  They need a shepherd who knows them - cares for them and if they do not respect his authority HE will break one of their legs and then carry them on his shoulder while it heals and then said rebellious sheep will not REBEL any longer.  

Sheeple.  It's a funny term but not so really.  We should know what we stand for not just because we think it's cool.  Like really.  Abortion?  I hate to throw that as a term but Captain O used it a lot - always with women as the cartoon - oh I mean commercial voices.  Let's think about abortion from the base level.  Sex is  - OUTSIDE OF RAPE OR INCEST - a mutual act.  if you are too lazy or stupid to wear protection that is no one's fault but yours.  If I decided to drive drunk into a convenience store and kill someone standing there where exactly is the difference.  A person is a person no matter how small.  . . . (yeah Dr Seuss rocked it!)   It's my choice to do something and then kill something. . . . but I know the sheeple won't see it like that.  rights and pompoms and banners oh my.  All I'm saying is at the core.  there is so much more. if you look for it.


The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
-- KJV


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Paradise lost.

did you ever have that (and I am really being serious - THAT friend?)  That innocent sweet friend you would tell or do anything with? That friend you had before you both really became you and before something came between the two of you forever. . . .  That friend was my Jodi.  Technically she was "88 and I was '87 but we were actually closer to the same age.  She could play piano and was tall and thin and super smart.  We sang at the top of our lungs to her piano playing - phil collins - cat's - anything we could sing together.  She was amazing.  She had only one sister.  younger.  My brother's class I think.  But her dad was a college instructor and I don't remember what her mom did exactly.  Be we were genuinely the original innocents.  We REALLY never did anything bad but got in trouble for what we didn't do.  It really was travesty but - now as a parent - I get it.  Jodi and I were drama queens.  legit.  We wanted to go to Great America (6 flags) with our driving boy friends. and I mean friends who were boys - NOT boyfriends.  Really really.  We had HUGE plans.  EPIC plans.  this was going to be the most fun day ever!!!

we made a list of things we were going to take.  Please know we used to get dressed up and serve each other dinner.  I'm not kidding - full dress - salad course - candles and we really were not gay!  (or were we? lol) understand that our dinner included grape juice (we called it Wine).  we wanted to be grown up as 9th-10th graders.

the list we made to take to Great America included that already said "wine." written in Jodi's tiny left handed script. But unfortunately for us - that list was intercepted by Jodi's mom.   She refused to believe we were not some how taking alcohol with us and we never got to go.

That truly broke my heart.  We were TRULY innocents.  We really did not understand how hard the world was.  Well, I did a bit, but it was somehow better when I was with her.  She made me forget how bad things were for a minute or two and for some reason I seemed to do the same for her.  We sunbathed topless in her backyard and didn't care.  Nobody was around there at that time.  It didn't even seem bad then and there.  We actually watched a deer decompose in the ditch down from her house over the weeks it takes as we used to walk together by it - daily.  We used to walk in the rain in our bikini's in the summer.  We called it our Epiphany walks.  Inseparable wasn't even the word.  she was my beyond friend.  She was my world.  And then came her Doug.

he wasn't good enough for her... really - he wasn't.  She didn't understand that.  SHE wanted him.

Then there was the string of Stephen's and then the Tim's  . . . .  for me.  I really didn't like any of them but it was too late.  We began to go different directions.  We barely hugged at my graduation.  and I never saw her again though my parents now live 1/2 mile from her parents house.  I guess she teaches math (of course she does something great!)  But it's so hard to think of the weirdness that ended us.  I guess the closer the relationship the harder it is to let go.  I still think of her often.  Jodi W.  I remember you with fondness.  And even if you never ever read this - there is a prayer for your happiness and wellness to the heavens sent by me.  you are someone I love forever.
I WOULD DIE 4 U!!!!!  and of course


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Nothing new under the sun . . .

Everywhere is freaks and hairies
Dykes and fairies, tell me where is sanity
Tax the rich, feed the poor
Till there are no rich no more

I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you

Population keeps on breeding
Nation bleeding, still more feeding economy
Life is funny, skies are sunny
Bees make honey, who needs money, Monopoly

I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you

World pollution, there's no solution
Institution, electrocution
Just black and white, rich or poor
Them and us, stop the war

I'd love to change the world
But I don't know what to do
So I'll leave it up to you

I was only about 18 months old when this song came out in 1971 and yet for some crazy reason it has been echoing in my head for the last few days.  I'm fairly certain that it's because Senior Presidente has finessed the gullible lemmings in this country into thinking that he's the man.  And yet really, I don't care all that much.  This is a 40 year old song that hasn't changed it's tune. Right.  "Tax the rich.  feed the poor - till there are no rich no more".  Cuz God bless America we soooooo "know" communism works.  Yeah they are such a happy lot.  Ya'll gotta love the grey suit. it's so flattering.  And wow.  Cuba's so freaking happy.  

But right, drink the koolade = things are perfect here.  not.

The fact that things are again HOT in Israel and NOT so super-good nor getting better - I'm not camping nor happy.  Israel is my litmus test.  If they aren't happy aint NOBODY happy.  (except Dubai - they are always happy - and shopping.  with a ski slope - in the desert and all! that you have to admit is pretty freaking cool right?  I know! )

Personally - I don't care if you thought W was a moron (because he so was!)  but he backed Israel.  I am not going to pretend to be a conspiratory theorist.  I won't pretend because I SO AM!  spin something cool my way - let me noodle it a bit.  I'm X-files in the REAL!  Smoking man and all.  But I've actually read the book.  WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to the end.  I actually skipped to the end.  (sue me)   I know this ends sorta bad.  blood and a valley and stuff.  it's not going to be good.  though I gotta say the Ted Nugent Jesus sounds way cool right? 

so as the day closes.  well.  I'm hoping the sun rises.  There are a few things we hope don't change.  for today.  But then again.  I quit my job on 12/21/12.  last day of the universe.  OR not. :D  again nothing new under the sun.  or

maybe not.


Thursday, November 22, 2012


wow.  thanks.

6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
      8Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. "

SO,  I actually live near the Wall.  THE Vietnam wall.  It's hard.  black granite.  I walk by and want to cry,  I'm sorry     - I was not more than a baby but - none of this is lost on me.  In the rain the names disappear.  They do.  It's creepy.

Today.  My parents and husband arrived safely at home here in VA.  I'm thankful for so so many things that words fail.  It has been announced I am DONE with Uni.  My replacement picked.  I'm actually cool with that - but what has me sitting with a bit of enoui is knowing I have to tell BIGGER THAN ME PEOPLE how much I know they let us down,  in fact a well written letter may suit better.  hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

yes a letter!  I'm queen of the let down letter.  It hurts less. to the giver and is a well written keep sake for the receiver.

God already knows what being thankful gives you.  own that folks.  I'm thankful for O2. :D

Monday, November 19, 2012

no shit

sorry for the irreverence.  but it fits and I'll tell you why.  What we often think is.  isn't always.  I was super sick this weekend.  Started Sunday morning and as my children will tell you I was STUPID DRUNK the night before.  I was.  But it was a fun drunk.  I didn't expose myself nor did I tell where the family jewels are stashed.  I was just having fun and lost track of wine.  It had already been a great day -  on my run I found a 100 bill.  tell me that won't start you on a good note.  LOL.

I ran 10+ - even got lost and didn't care - trusted my gut and found my way.  I freaking love that.

And then I finally got to know the mom of my Trinity's  bff.  and her sister.  and nephew and future wife and well . . .  - I made friends.  I don't make friends easily.  NOW I hear you all who ARE friends saying PLEASE you make friends like water.  nope.  I so do not.  I'm super closed these days.  If you get in -  I must relate to you on a cellular level or I know you from another life (kidding of course) but these ladies are amazing.  Nicki (sorry not sure spelling) and her sweet sister and her amazing husband - and her son and his sweet Megan.  Wow.  This is a family I wish I was part of.  And frankly I love my family - well = like family :D  But This family - wow.  Almost like what I imagine the Thomas clan to be like.  I know the Burk's and they are super.  I know so many great families and really miss mine.
I was raised in the small town of Winneconne Wisconsin.  We had traditions.  I really miss them.  I miss St.Pauls on Sunday 8am service.  (God doesn't show up later than 8 don't cha know)

I miss sun rise service on Easter.  I miss common cup communion.  I miss one big table at my grandparents house for Christmas eve service and Danish Christmas Soup.  I miss olives on my fingers.

I was sick today.  I have strep so being the smart and frugal girl (not!) I took old amoxicillin.  still, it fixed it.  sue me.  I hate being sick.  Our dog was sicker so I had to take care of her first.  I'm fine now.  But I discovered that I can NOT be home with nothing to do.  I was like one of those parrots who pull out their feathers.  I need to do SOMETHING.  This is of course a good thing.  writing.  yes.  IT's good.  But Useful.  I need that.  More than O2.  I need to mean something.  :Yet.

Yet.  standing in the kitchen today (because I was home when she got there after school) while- separating bone from chicken thigh meat my Trinity talked to me.  2 hours she talked. bantor.  I listened.  she shared - ideas.  thoughts.  things that matter to her.  I'm way open with my kids - don't know if that's a good thing - guess we see.

So.  I was positive we had mice.  There were droppings.  ugh.  I wanted to cry.  I clean.  I do.  I try hard.  But well, I work.  So, I'm gone a lot.  I was ranting and trying to figure out where they were coming from.  and then Trin shook one of our "newly inside plants."   Seed pods.

Just cuz it looks like mice poop -  . . . could be a seed pod.  Trin is a freaking GENIUS!  No mice - just the seed pods from the orchid plant.  OMG.  "no shit" really is - no shit.  I love it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Curse

and I'm not talking the "APPLE bit."  yeah and chances are it was more the "Pomegranate - bit."  But since the only ones present were God, Lucifer, Adam, Eve and random flaming sword bearing Angels - actual history is sketchy at best.  No, I'm more talking about the MOM curse.  and let me tell you DNA is a BITCH  - with teeth.

I know the shit I put on my own mom - last second.  "I need an elephant - 2 jugglers and 14 Pygmies. - by tomorrow. :D "  

Yesterday Trinity needed for her science project that she "forgot" in the mere WEEKS before hand . . 2 different kinds of cotton - 1/2 yard of each.  yeah - in the 20 minutes before I left for work.

YEAH THIS bitch freaking ROCKED it.  BAM.  two different cottons. didn't even need to hit the loft.  (where my good stuff lives!)  yet I a)didn't get to work out and b)my makeup went unapplied til I hit my work bathroom.  good thing no one cares what I look like!

Tonight we needed - 2  yards of white fabric, Christmas lights, glitter, wire, marbles and necklaces.  for tomorrow.  Roger had to stop for the marbles.  Not kidding people this is my life.  And yet - I own this.

I remember THE PROM DRESS (aaaaaahhhhh - did you hear angels singing as I typed - well you should have!!!) it was in 2 colors of silk - with boning, VOGUE pattern. . .  I asked - aka dared my mom to make.  Legit -  I could have turned the damn thing inside out and worn it.  She made it freaking perfect.    I have done so many things for these kids that in 5 seconds go totally unnoticed.  But now that I am me.  ME.  in adult form.  I know what went into that dress.  I know.

So, NOW - In full view of the world.  . .  . I Curse my daughter.  Or is it BLESS?.  :D   I am stating my case for the world or anyone reading - of course I pray that my daughter (s)  would . . . .

have a daughter that loves you and appreciates you as much as I love and appreciate my mom.  She was there for me when it counted.  I pray I'm the same for you.  I pray that I never miss a beat, a moment nor a tear.

I pray that no one breaks your heart without my knowledge during. . . and if he does we can share chocolate that will assuage the sadness.  I pray that if we don't see eye to eye we always see heart to heart and respect each other.

but most of all I pray we share the same laughter, love and life and that we never lose each other.  Not even death can separate when God is in the mix.

That is my prayer.  and to the rest.  peace.  the curse is dead.  Jesus is alive and the rest is just time, wind and sand.

Friday, November 9, 2012


So.  It has come to my attention that I am indeed (gasp) not normal.  Something about me is, how shall we say, off?   As they say in the South here - "Not Riiiiiiiiiiight."

Geez - really? - "Normal" is a freaking setting on my GD dryer.  What the hell is NORMAL?  I'm in line voting next to someone with his pants hiked up to his nipples talking to himself and drinking randomly placed water bottles.. . and I'm weird?  right.

Yet.  The fact that I divorced someone (hey T!) and don't hate him, don't want him run over by any random 18 wheeler - and well, actually think he's a pretty great human just not someone I can be married to - makes me a freak of nature.  I really like his new wife.  In fact I really kind of love her.  This does not make me a saint.  PLEASE.  stop.  I am not doing this out of some stupid philanthropic endeavor.  (not that there are stupid philanthropic endeavors  - just sayin though)  It just is.  T and I had an early talk that was like, "if shit goes south we won't be ugly - right?" - and the consensus was. "hell no!"   and it wasn't.  it was uber cool actually.  Not easy.  Not non-painful.  in fact my soul still hasn't recovered.  and he's still a huge love for me. Not in a creepy weird way but in a reverential way.  it just is.  and it works for me.  if that makes me a freak.  so be it.  I just choose to not be a hater.  that tends to get spendy and stupid and ultimately painful - for more than just the fighters.

I don't want to hate anyone.  BUT I don't necessarily LIKE who we as a country voted back in, but well . . . I think he's a great dad and perhaps even a great husband.  Pres?  not in a prayer.  But frankly this country is f'd no matter who or what.  I'm not pleased since I think "Hell in a Handbasket" is going to be a HUGE concept for us that has already started and will continue.   Kill your baby?  sure - go ahead.  It's not a life.  If liberals had to watch an abortion and see baby parts come out - my guess is that they would not be quite as vocal.  so few women that have abortions are raped.  If it's an actual rape - I understand it  - but then most "normal" women get tested and treated the next day.  No baby - no life. Present day "Abortion" is not about rape.  It's about being uneducated and frankly lazy.  use a condom.  they are mostly free.  I don't get why this is even an issue.  He won't wear one?  Don't have sex.  problem solved.  If you are that callous about your body what the hell is going on in your mind?  oh right. you voted for Obama.  right.  It's SO not about rights it's about being stupid and lazy.  My country wants to be stupid and lazy and hand things out that were not earned or (gasp) worked for.  I am seriously thinking about finding a new place to live since America is getting so stupid it's making the EU look really smart.  I'm thinking Costa Rica but can't say for sure.   Brushing up on my Spanish sure helps here in Virginia.  It's the first language after all.  English is now Number 2.  Yeah.  English is number 2.  significant?  and I'm the freak.  peace.



Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Manipulation. 101

If you want to control another human . . .  and of course that is a loaded statement since really,  what NICE person that doesn't belong on CSI  or NCIS or Criminal Minds would want to CONTROL another person?

I'm not talking trying to reason with a toddler.  PLEASE! nail Jello to a tree - that's easier and WAY more satisfying.  A toddler needs spanking and love and the reassurance that they will receive BOTH depending on behavior. It's all about the timing and the behavior.  An adult is beyond spanking unless they enjoy it.  or have paid someone and then,  well - they enjoy it.  nuff said.

But you can still make someone do what you want.  an actual consenting adult - you can.  It's all about the manipulation.  It's incredibly hurtful in the end and really,  no one wins.  You can make someone NOT talk to someone.  Not really "MAKE" so to speak but rather to make it difficult and uncomfortable for them to do so - to berate when they speak to that person and to take their phone and see who they are speaking to daily.  And then question who and why.  That is manipulation.  and not love.  You could check phone records and then count text messages all in the name of "I love you and have the right to do so."   That is manipulation. and not love.  but love also is not seeking the time and affection of someone else who you are not married to.  that is not love either.

love is patient.  it waits for you to figure out that you are being stupid and acting out and just need to calm the hell down.  love does not stalk (that is my addition)

love is kind.  it doesn't slam you into a wall or your face into the floor.  love doesn't break your nose.  love doesn't grab your balls and try to rip them off.

basically love is not self-serving.  which is why God is love and we suck.  most of the time.

Manipulation is self-serving since it's basically saying, "I want YOU to do THIS and act this way for ME!"  It doesn't allow for personality or difference or preference.  Adults need to be able to exercise all of that to thrive.

God could make us puppets.  He really could (in my Judeo-Christian view of the universe ruled by Jehovah God who's son is JC and the Holy Spirit that rocks it all) but what fun is being loved by a robot you programmed?  I want my kids to love me (someday when I'm not the BITCH MOM from hell that sucks all fun from the world!) but I am not their FRIEND today.  I'm the heavy.  I'm authority.  I take away fun for bad behavior and reward the things they Don't Really Want To Do Anyway . . .  !  I'm kinda "God-lite."    I want my little people to be THEM.  in all the awesomeness their dad and I put into them but would be UBER sad if they ended up in prison!  I want them to thrive in their "theirness" but also know that there are actually rules to the universe and that they are in this universe and need to adhere to said rules . . .  and stuff.

Manipulation can rear it's ugly head in so so  many places.  You really would be surprised by who manipulates you or tries and then why.  Mostly in the workplace.  Mostly by people who want you to do what they say and not even know you are doing it.  If this is happening to you - don't be most people.  Realize it and then do other.

Love is long suffering.  and a lot of other really cool things that we as humans struggle with.  which is why we crave love more than anything and fail at it so often.

we are looking in the wrong places and with human eyes.

again.  something we want - not sure we deserve - but want anyway.

It is unfortunately - women who are the objects of manipulation simply because men seem to be better at control than we are.  BUT it's not always that way.  just a lot.

end of day if I've imparted a passing thought - it's "What moves you to do what you do?"   If you find it's totally self-serving - chances are there's someone in your wake.  an assistant, wife, office admin, whomever that bears the weight of your deal.  realize it and move beyond.

if you are the weight bearing creature.  realize it and move beyond.  stand up and know that weight is NOT yours.

love bears all things.  God is love.

Friday, November 2, 2012

If I . . . .

wrote a "tell all" memoir.  . . If I did - would you care?

If I wrote "life" from this side of the Katie - would you read it?

If I wrote what I thought of you .   .  . in graphic detail . . would you buy it?

If I wrote what I know about Dean Bauer at Hoops . .  Would you read it then?

If I called it Hypocrite and showed my complete ass and lack as a human in every regard. . .  would you then read it?

If I detailed a small town girl - living in a lonely world - she took the midnight train - going - anywhere?  would you tell Journey on me?


I stopped  believing a while back too - don't tell them that either. .

It's on it's way.  Soup to nuts and dirty rags too.  I have fingers to keys.  I'm done working the week before Christmas unless the Kingdom of D unlocks sooner.  I have already started.  Let me know if you wanna hear it.  It's coming either way.  kind like a hurricane - just wanna know in advance.  :D