connections

I may have said a few things about this in the past.   IMHO.  (ok - really I wish that H was actually a factor IN my opinion - but if I, Kathryn Joanne Wenzel Sullivan-Howard can be honest for a second  - there  is not a lot of H in me - bravo tango whiskey.) and !!! for good measure. I am a dyed in the freaking wool - a full on know-it-the-hell-all!  I know everything - have read everything and if I am impressed by you I MAY JUST LET you show me something I don't know but then I'll know something about it too - cuz - I ain't dumb.   just sayin

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!   GAH!!!- I hate that about me  - but it's more insecurity than arrogance - or maybe just a sad soup of it all.  I know that.  My ex got so mad at me for finishing his sentences he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks.  Full on STOPPED TALKING LIKE stopped communication.  TO ME!!!!!  for 2 weeks.  I think I divorced him soon after that.  But still - point made.  I would like to try to justify this by saying that I relished any conversation with him and wanted to feel I "KNEW" him on that INTIMATE wife only level but today I know I was just being controlling and rude.  I'm not a stupid woman - just a hurt damaged person who needed love from someone she gave way Way WAY freaking WAY too much power over her everything.  He didn't know what the hell to do with that power and she never should have given it in the first part.  Honest and real.  just sayin.

 I really really really (insert Sally Field reference here!) want to be liked!  Though if point in my favor is to be made. ..   I'm older.  I'm not 12 or 25 or JESUS even 35!  I'm full on almost 43.  I don't really need your acceptance to breathe oxygen anymore.  I don't need the people who really are mean or bad to me to LIKE me anymore (yeah that was the freaking level of my happy dysfunction!)  I can stand up to the regional VP of my own personal company and not have heart palpitations that he was "sternly correcting me."  really Reis?  you have no idea my life or situation or really how much I DON"T FREAKING CARE!!!! I was polite of course but did it make my knees shake?  resounding nope.

I actually shake more from a text from T than a personal call from Reis.  just being honest.  I guess it's the level of influence that still exists.  Again.  Honest.  But again - learning - and growing.  And moving on.

I could really write my own eat pray love.  and will.  I just don't know if I want followers.  I am so broken still.  I am moving on but so few people know what I've rolled with and just been okay with and endured and more than that - embraced.  I have endured abuse - in many forms. rape - full on.  I have had multiple levels of eating disorders.  I still struggle with body image.  I'll be honest - I have only biked for several hours a day this last flu season - I can't run.  Typing that even seems like GOD WOMAN JUST REST . .  I can't - I literally am unable to do nothing aerobic per day for at least an hour.  "if you don't workout you don't eat" - still resonates in my head like some crazy demon I thought I exorcised years ago. . .

I did not.  I am my dress size.  I am how people see me.  then again . . .

No no no no no no no!!!!! - that is actually dying more everyday.  I take back more control.  every post I write  - every honest soul baring thing I actually and honestly say takes back more of the pieces.  I am not that.  I am smart but I don't have to be arrogant.  I can be witty and funny.  I don't have to make you fall in love with me.  It's okay that T isn't in love with me.  I can be me.  I can have flat hair and my stomach can be not flat.  I am no lesser a person.  I get that for a guy it may be hair line and bank account - whatever.  I'm not perfect.  SHOCK TO THE FREE WORLD.  Katie IS NOT PERFECT!  I know - please -  sit down you all - take a cookie break - smoke something - yeah I know.   total wide systemic shock.

So - finally connections.?.  The humans you connect with on a totally cellular level?  . . they are the ones!!!!.  they may leave you - move on - move over move into move to whatever - - - -  they are the ones you keep.  Memphis - Alpharetta,  Milwaukee-ish, you keep the keepers of your heart close.  You never let them go - you make them things and then are too insecure/childish to give them. (cough cough B - and D)  That stops.  Connections - don't ever let anyone tear those away.  You fall in love with who you fall in love with even if it's stupid and it's a girl friendship - yeah - we girls - we tight . . . just sayin.



just sayin.  if you feel anything I say or said resonated in your being. . . it was meant for you because I love you.  just putting in out there.  what's so funny about peace love and understanding?

again.  just sayin.