My body

knows.

My body senses the shift.  I try to be that rock.  That completely in control unless an outside agent that YOU all know and see me drinking  -  then I'm not in total control.  Right. '

"Cuz,  I say WHO, I say HOW much," (to quote Pretty Woman).

I am letting go.  Into the abyss.  Into the unknown.

When we moved here - HERE btw is Virginia.  FROM - was originally Wisconsin and then briefly IL (I won't even spell it since I hated that f'n state - not the friends - just the state and 10% taxes!) When we moved here - I was in a bit of state of shock.  Too much had happened too fast.  A long time ago I was diagnosed with the below:
Dissociative disorders can be defined as conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation, a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. Dissociative disorders are thought to primarily be caused by psychological trauma.
The five dissociative disorders listed in the DSM IV are as follows^[1]:

• Depersonalization disorder: periods of detachment from self or surrounding which may be experienced as "unreal" (lacking in control of or "outside of" self) while retaining awareness that this is only a feeling and not a reality.

I can turn it off and on.  I have actually learned to do this because I know "normal" people don't do this and I'd like to live my life among the mostly "non-medicated- free-to-do-their-bidding folk".. . .   but

my body knows something big is looming.  How do I know?  I have a horrible eye twitch.  My left eye has completely freaked out.  thank god it's not my left foot.  (DDL would never forgive me!)

When I set out to divorce T. my eye would NOT stop twitching.  I'm talking months.  Drove me nuts.  (wait - already there :D )

You can stuff all you want into that potato sack you are carrying.  At some point it just gets too f'n heavy.  

I trained to run a marathon last year.

It became my OCD focus.  In the process I nearly killed my kidneys,  since I thought that water would suffice as replacement for lost body fluid on my many 20 mile runs.  I ran every single day - at least 10 miles. mostly more.  For 8 months.  And I did the marathon in 3:43.  not bad for an over trained nubie!

But sometimes it takes more than water.  

Now, I'm a smart woman and yet I wasn't listening to my basic core.  My kidneys spoke with the only voice they had.  they bled.  I relied on drugs and the doctor.  Jesus.  FREAKING Gatorade would have done the trick.  I just was too "focused" to pay attention to what was really happening.  That seems to be the worst thing I can do.  I need to see from 30,000 ft.  not 2 inches.

or maybe - it's a combination of both.

I guess it's the control factor.  Control is a HUGE thing in my life.  It is all based around - "Who thinks they have it, who wants it and who REALLY has it?"  I gave it away to someone who didn't want it too early and then there is someone who wants it ALL but I won't give it. 

I have decided I need to keep all of it to myself.  And give carte blanche to HIM.  No -  I'm not becoming a nun!  LOL that is SUPER AWESOME funny stuff.!  but I've decided as did Vivian - I decide who - I decide how much.

I like to know that when pushed to violence I choose well.  Let that rest on my side.

Let it also be said that should no job present itself into my VERY front of seat perched lap - I will make a way.  I created a business out of nothing in 1998.  I could barely sew and yet I KNEW I had no limits.

I see none today either.  

bring it.

Listening is still Peter Gabriel.  I listened to this same album a million times before my divorce.  somehow it seemed apropos. of nothing but a shipwreck.  river deep can you lift up and carry me?

river - carry me high till the washing of the water make it all all right let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight  . . . .

"Washing Of The Water"

River, river carry me on
Living river carry me on
River, river carry me on
To the place where I come from

So deep, so wide, will you take me on your back for a ride
If I should fall, would you swallow me deep inside

River, show me how to float
I feel like I'm sinking down
Thought that I could get along
But here in this water
My feet won't touch the ground
I need something to turn myself around

Going away, away towards the sea
River deep, can you lift up and carry me
Oh roll on though the heartland
'Til the sun has left the sky
River, river carry me high
'Til the washing of the water make it all alright
Let your waters reach me like she reached me tonight

Letting go, it's so hard
The way it's hurting now
To get this love untied
So tough to stay with thing
'Cause if I follow through
I face what I denied
I get those hooks out of me
And I take out the hooks that I sunk deep in your side
Kill that fear of emptiness, loneliness I hide

River, oh river, river running deep
Bring me something that will let me get to sleep
In the washing of the water will you take it all away
Bring me something to take this pain away

  

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