These are the people I know - I know - these are the people I know

Sorry - Sesame Street started the year I was born so It's kind a - ya know - IN ME.  I have some fond memories of babies and the tv - getting used to the new muppets (zoe and elmo et al. . . ) but what I most remember is the "can't we all get along" spirit - pre Rodney King.  There are just some people - I know - I know . . . who I just . . . know.  I may or may have not lived with them or may or may not have had relations (okay none of them did I have relations with - and seriously - I did not have relations with that woman . . . lol - OK bad Clinton joke.  ok - like there is any other kind?) really - what I am saying is how is it there are people you spend YEARS with and you are gone for a weekend and it's weird.  And people you have not seen in A MILLION YEARS (or so) and it's like - hey - how's tricks?  And it's like time NEVER FREAKING PASSED? You are just in step. 

How does that work? 

I have to believe in love at first sight if I believe that I can be friends with someone that I haven't seen in  . . . um 10 years?  yet she still gets it.  gets me - gets it all.  I mean friends on that level you don't just have out of the chute - I mean the - I love when you have something to say kind of friendship. 

And others - certainly.  My sweet D and T.  I miss you so very very much.  I am so wishing for that lottery hit to start the farm here! 

There are people who I cant wait to spend days with.  Teresa T. is certainly one.  I want to spend a day with her since I think she turned into someone amazing.  Someone to envy and enjoy. 

I spent High School in a daze - unfortunately reeling from abuse and psychological issues.  I am a survivor and glad for it since it makes me an open book for anyone to ask and I'm happy to help in any way I can but it made for a weird and uncomfortable experience in an ALREADY weird environment. 

All I can say is that I am so blessed and glad and fortunate and every other freaking adjective that describes joy to have friends who accept me and love me in my 50 shades of f'd upness.  Especially my sweet husband who has seen me at my worst and has brought out the worst in me.  This has not always been a happy rodeo.  If you know someone who was sexually abused as a child - you know someone with issues.  They don't just go away.  There are demons.  There are designs.  There are dentists . . . . but I digress . . .

yeah.  I gotta go to the dentist tuesday.  all of my fillings and my crowns need to be replaced.  THEN I start the implant process . . . Yeah "BULIMIA - dont try it - you won't like it . . .  "               it makes for huge dental bills later.  REAL!! though suicide would be cheaper.  I pick life.  always have.  I'm glad my sweet Roger gets it.  We don't (okay rarely) see eye to eye but he still can take my breath away and that is enough.  He's trying and so am I.  If anyone says marriage is easy I would bow at their feet because I've never seen it.  I worshiped my first husband and that ended.  Though thankfully we are still friends and I adore his new wife beyond words - Roger and I are in the "post honeymoon we are raising pre teen phase" that is not easy for anyone.   We are even kicking around a new one.  Though that is seriously up for debate! I'm not sold!!!  I am on this ride like it's a highway.  I am not really seeing an end result - just rest stops and gas up's.

The people I know.  The B's the D's and my T's and anyone I've had fun with - cried with or broken bread with or made blood on a floor with :D You know who you are.  you know I welcome you into my home at any day - in any form and like family with nothing in your pockets.  come.  I will feed you - nourish your soul and make sure you are loved.

These are the people I know - I know - these ARE the people I know.

50 shades of....

It's been a time times and half a time since I wrote or at least that's how it's felt.  The last time I was inspired I was blocked by my husbands time constraints on my account.  That did not end well. SO.  Today is kind of 50 shades of today. me.  I could write an angry nasty gram to the things that are under my skin today but I choose different. I choose a road that suits me  . . today. 

The knife feels so nice - comfortable in my hand.  It's razor sharp.  I know.  I just made it so.  German people make really nice things.  They understand function AND form.  I like that.  I am hungry.  Twitchy hungry even and I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get it.  A drive to that certain store that sells it.  My family will  be horrified like they always are.  I want it.  Need it even.  Why I am not sure but really don't care - as a carnivore of the first sort it really doesn't matter I want it.  Pig is cheaper but I don't eat Pig.  Ever.  Jesus didn't and I just can't.  He didn't send shrimp or lobster over a cliff.  I just can't.  But Beef.  yeah.  that's what I need.  not a steak though.  I need more.  I need what matters.  Not a filter, not liver, not stomach not any muscle.  . . I need THE muscle.  Nothing but heart will satisfy.  Yes shrimp and ribs will follow but I need heart.  now.  I really don't know why.  I just NEEDED it.

Is it an important thing that I'm missing some weird iron suppliment or random nutrient? Perhaps.  Don't care.  I just needed it.  Why do certain foods compel and then repel people?  It's so interesting to me.  I will try anything but chow mein noodles since as a child I ate rancid ones and can't ever and that one bad tequila weekend . . . but besides that . . . . I have wheat intolerance and lactose intolerance so there's a lot I just can't do but what I can I am so game for.  I don't understand grown people who won't even do the "no thank you bite" which is what I made my kids do.  really?  try it.  once if home cooked and then again professionally cooked - it may be better.  I've had bad REALLY bad liver.  and amazing liver yum inducing - happy  noise inducing.  yes.  liver.  it is possible.  trust me.  heart is better.  WAY better.  but no one eats it.  I don't understand.  Why is it a shoulder or ass or leg is "OK" but the heart is gross?   Or the tongue?  really?  Tongue is amazing and not just in person :D really it's a great cut but WE as stupid American's don't try.  I'm trying to be a bigger person this year.  Bigger mom - bigger wife - bigger writer and certainly bigger runner.  I want to get faster - closer to the bone.  More in tune with who I am as a woman.  I certainly love where I am - geographically - personally is harder - I'm a harsh critic.  I want to be more but have to still the voices in my head and decide who to follow.  I want to be way more.  There may be a degree or two on the forefront.  and perhaps a new life.  maybe.  again.  50.

and you are . . .

This is sort of on the theme of my previous posts but not really = and why exactly does it take water - a sharp object and alcohol for me to figure this shit out - okay I was taking a bath and shaving things but hello? TON o BRICKS moment.  I was remembering an earlier in the day conversation from someone who was telling me about this "lady" from town that bragged constantly about her running time etc . . she wanted to get in the paper everytime she ran . . . . she was bragging about her 10 mile time and it was ( ironically 10 minutes slower than my time the day before) and I suddenly got all offended.  not as a runner but for some reason as a knitter and I was like HUH? what the hell does this have to do with knitting?  And then it hit me.  She was hitting a part of who I am but not the real "WHO I AM."  Of course I love Jesus and HE is LORD.  Understood. BUT the me who is uniquely KATIE is a KNITTER who also RUNS.  I am so OCD I can't NOT workout.  I've done ellipical machines cuz I can knit on them.  Bikes cuz I can knit on them.  But running was just me and road and a goal.  Marathon.  CHECK.  much like that really complicated cabled sweater pattern. check.  I run because I can. and it serves that purpose.  I'm 42 and can wear clothes I've worn forever. 3 kids not a factor.  I run because it's a great burn and I like being sweaty when it's already 100 degrees and humid.  I run because I enjoy the feeling of my heartbeat in my ears and music that I hear only from memory.

But I knit because I crave it.  I crave my hands and head and heart meeting as one and doing what I say.  I knit because it's who I am.  I am a runner.  But I am a knitter who runs.  there is a difference.  And if you are a knitter who also does something else - you know what I mean.  OR if you are a "fill in the blank" who runs you also understand.  There is passion and there is passion lite.  It just is. Well gotta fly - doing a half marathon in the morning and then got a date with Home Depot - yeah.  My weekend.

Learning to Fry - cuz I ain't got wings . . . coming down . . . . is the hardest thing

Okay so Tom Petty can sue me any damn time but it fit so I choose to rock it thank You.   SO you all know me and that the five things that make me truly happy (as in activities - not people) are not necessarily in order 1. knitting 2. having sex 3. cooking 4. running 5. writing.  going to the store to buy things to do number 3 would be of course like 3a and if it's in my super amazing "crazy grocery store" like we call it - it is most certainly nirvana.  So we were engaged fully in 3a with my sweet Aislinn who said - "hey mom, do you think we could like you know, make real fries - you know like real french fries?"  Okay.  challenge placed.  challenge met.  I am a Good Eats SLAVE - okay Alton - if you are out there and want to leave Georgia to be with me - I'm in Virginia - bring it food geek!  Having just watched the "don't fear frying" show from like 2001 of his GE historical shows  I was well versed in the double frying method.  We bought it all.  Except the shitty "already own it" baby deep fryer.  Let's just say the fries turned out just fine.  That shitty deep fryer is now on it's way to a better home since I need to do more than 4 fries at a time.  It so totally worked.  Yes - but hour 3 into 3 potatoes is way more patient than I personally have. So BYE and good riddence.  BUT the peanut oil is saved and in the fridge.  check.


BUT I have to say the double frying method that all good restaurants use is valid.  Pomme Frittes only get that cool moniker because they are truly yummy when done right.  AND if I can use this side bar as a " If you won't try something good I don't trust you."  then I will.


  I am truly sorry for kids who's parents made them eat bad liver.  And I do mean that  - since the Liver that I make for myself and ONLY myself makes me - upon delivery into my mouth - make sounds I only make into the deepest of soul kisses or orgasmmmm!!!  I make that Young Frankenstein - yummy sound.  I am not going to make that yummy sound for something not yummy.  Not instinctual - so No NO NO liver is not yucky.  just buy fresh and don't over cook.  I'm sorry though - I don't eat pork so it's beef or veal only.  I would bet pork is just as good but I'll trust you on this one.  and so we move on.  I just so live to cook and make things so I guess it's the basic things I crave.  Food, wine and clothing.   If we are covered - fed and have a good wine buzz going it's pretty much nirvana for me.  Now when Roger looks into the food processor and realizes it's pate it will be perfect . . . .  :D  yessssssssss   and we have horrified.  I can go to bed chuckling and happy.  yum.

matters of the heart

okay so this is a blip on the map of the senses and while love is a feeling it is not a sense.  so sorry to go all off topic but hey the writing goes where it wills. . . .

I can't do this any longer.  frankly it's a weight I carry and the burden is too much.  so like a scab, I slough it off and move on.  I refuse to see one person in the shadow or better yet, light of another.  We are all good at, and horrible at - different things at different times.  We are all hero's and cowards in our own right.  We all are sinners and saints - given a time or place.  I have just been a fallen saint and fall I will no more.  Not NOT NOT that I would ever call myself personally a saint. I am just a chosen instrument of God.  THAT I know.  Know KNow KNOw KNOW like I know my foot or hand or child.  I know.  But I have let HIM down and I need to stand up.  Not for me but for HIM.  For Him - because of Who he IS and for what He is. 

I am tired of comparing.  You can do this.  You don't do this.  You aren't into this, but you do this.  You xyz but not pdq.  UGH.  It's tiring.  If you don't fix cars and don't read books and don't like the movies I like are you less of a man?  If You don't cook and suck at cleaning and like to make money more than being a mom are you a bad mom?  If you would rather run and read and knit are you a bad person or if you like to shoot guns and download music and drive trucks are you bad?  Okay.  nuff said.  I'm tired of comparing.  We just are.  different.  I

I just got done rereading a book I read a number of years ago.  On my elliptical.  pre marathon.  pre MOM's death.  Pre job.  Pre pre pre.  A lot of things make sense now.  I won't compare anyone to anyone ever again.  We are all significant and valuable and my present Husband gets the long suffering ERIC award for loving someone really difficult to love.  and I hope beyond anything that he realizes that I get it.  I am a tough person to love and yet somehow he does.  in spades.

Number 2. What do you see?

We've done the ears.  "Music" to be exact.  I know so very many people who would rather lose sight than hearing since the loss of hearing  separates you on a very very different level.  I love love love hearing impaired and deaf people.  Their communication skills are awesome - - but here's the caveat - if they want them to be.  I know deaf people who want to fit in to the hearing world.  They learn lip reading, they sign also  - but lip reading and learning how to talk to "the hearing" is how they live.  There are also the deaf who live deaf.  It's a culture not unlike the hidden Hmong or Vietnamese or a million other illegal or legal but separate cultures within our borders.  I live as a mostly American English in a town of TOTALLY HISPANIC/KOREAN so wow.  I get it.  BUT they all mostly speak English.  My Spanish is getting better.  I digress.  Hearing is a thing that the loss of which makes you so so different - but no one really knows first off.  . . .

so, I'm purposely late to the game but hooked nonetheless.  I have totally fallen in love with shows - only to have them go (POOF!!!!!).  SO That being said I choose wisely these days.  Of course on the travel channel - anything Anthony, Andrew, Adam (my personal A team) do is great - now I have a Marcus - so so worth it.  Check him out.  Hidden City is great.  BUT I'm not talking reality - I like to exit my world of shirts and pants and pissed off customers who don't speak English - HAPPILY -  For Deep Louisiana and Vampires and sultry smoky sex and such. 

True Blood has stayed and I really don't care on being late to the game. I can buy it.  Yes please.  Sucked in?  Pun fully intended.

Glee is so tempting me - I started late and frankly cared for 5 minutes.  Then it started sucking HARD.  I'm told I can watch my back issues this year and all is ok.  TBD

Cathouse has me captivated.  Nuff said.

NOW movies.  I'm a total beyond stupid snob.  Forget it.  Tim would really watch anything.  To the end and be pissed that it ended bad.  I said, "didn't it look like it was gonna suck like 10 minutes in when I was watching?"  "Yeah, was hoping it improved."  I like life and my time more than watching a dumb movie.  DOES that say something about my character?  I won't invest if you (movie) bore me early on.  I will only step into something that captivates me.  Boring?  Move to the left.  I don't have life or exercise or sewing or kid or knitting time to waste on crap.  I could be cooking or writing.  BYE.  big letters.

THAT said.  Roger has dangled the ultimate carrot before my nose.  NETFLIX.  on any tv, mac product (and they are legion in this freaking house - married to the techie don't cha kno).  Okay so Rog, Any movie I want when I snap my fingers - before my eyes right before I have to run 18 miles to train for this dumb marathon I personally signed up for? Yup.  Damn. 

Here's my list.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
While you Where Sleeping
Dead Poets Society
Princess Bride
Moonstruck
Pretty Woman
Grease 2
(yeah you read that one right)
Rocky Horror
The muppet movie (yeah the old one)
Mulan (Christina's singing and great plot - yup)

Okay these are the 10 movies I can recite VERBATIM.  And I'm not kidding.  Ask Roger.

Best movies I've only seen a few
Chocolat
Water for Chocolate
Wings of desire
The Piano

I can't watch nasty people being nasty to each other.  Call me PollyAnna.  But I can't do horror and no Rocky Horror doesn't come close.  Camp is - well.  Camp.

Roger is all about a few movies and I will follow.  Mercury Rising is one of them.  My son has been diagnosed with Aspberger "like" symptoms - yeah well thanks .  . . BUT it helps in school. The boy in Mercury Rising is full on autistic.  I get some of that.  I do. 

Bruce is in it.  That makes me smile. 

I like who I like.  just sayin.

My favorite books are Jitterbug Perfume/Room with a view/Cleaving/Lady Chatterly's/Too many knitting or cook books to count . . . ugh.  I haven't finished Hunger Games though.  Liked it a ton.  Hugo was also awesome before my benevolent DAUGHTER gave it to a friend out from under me :D  LOVE YOU.  I can't say if I had to lose a sense what it would be.  I think I would pick hearing - hope I never have to find out.  ya see?

This was gonna

be a very different post.  All polished and buttoned up.  But I'm so frenzied and charismatic at the moment - I'm gonna pull a Pastor James and go off script for this message.  He had his sermon ready to go and then God stepped in and I believe had a from the hip sermon that wasn't just directed at me but well, mostly.  Roger was staring at me pretty much the entire freaking message and well, I OWNED IT.  okay.  GET it.  say it don't spray it!!! LOL. 

I allow things.  I - in a season of weakness - contribute.  I don't do what I KNOW is right.  I do what I emphatically know is so so so so wrong.  I don't stop someone from doing something illegal, dangerous and just plain stupid.  I don't.  And I need to.  I need to not laugh at it.  I need to step in because it's a bad thing.  I've been boiled.  Like the frog = slowly slowly slowly.  But thankfully UNlike the frog -  I live.  Unboiled and aware of "OMG" what did I just allow?"    I'm alive to face the day and move on.  I just want to knit and exercise.  and cook.  My compulsion was to go to my grocery store (haven of all things awesome) and lose myself.  So after my schooling by Pastor James - straight to my heart - yeah - I suck, need to change and need to change this minute.. . . . I did indulge myself in my passion.   I purchased amazing vegetables, fruits and meat.  and liver.  Offal is life.  The Jews know it.  They freaking live on it.  I had all 4 burners and the oven roaring.  Roasting bones.  making beef stock.  for the beef stew that is for dinner tonight.  I can lose myself.  But James is right.  Sin is snipping at my heels.  I am so small in light of my huge God.  Running isn't an option.  I am a runner and suddenly I don't want to?  revelation? yeah.  It's God saying - you can't outrun this.  

So I'm not running.  today.  I will tomorrow - even in the snow.  (okay a dusting but it's f'n cold here) I have to face this and own what I've allowed.  I have so many bad things I've let in slowly like that damn boiled frog.  But I own it.  And move forward.  Where is that?  Dunno.  And frankly - with the sun streaming though my french doors. . . . . I don't care.  Bring it.  I'm ready to cook it up - knit it and run - in a good way.  for something permanent.