Peanut Butter Bread and Angst

The feeling swirling around my brain was like waking up on a bus and not knowing where it had stopped.  The useless - "now what" crush of where to go and what to do that rushes in and makes it's home in my head and refuses to give up residency.  That dull standing looking around for the familiar and not seeing it anywhere - in anything.

I WAS home however.  That was what made it all the more maddening.  Another day feeling useless and tired and really really sad.  Thankfully it has since passed and I know that focusing on taking my head out of my ass and trying to drop the me-centered myopic focus has helped immensely.  However I'd be wrong in thinking that this feeling is truly gone - It's one those things that lurks in my head waiting for a choice rainy day to pounce.  And all of the workouts in the world won't change it.

What really is funny is that I hold onto this hope that somehow some great idea or scheme is going to come along and save me from this useless feeling.  I would love to test that theory out by actually attaining said great idea or paying gig that leaves me fulfilled as well as my bank account flush - but truly I can't say this has that much to do with cash flow.  Oh a bit yes it does - pulling my own weight and such - but there's more.  It's a searching that I'm clearly doing.  That ubiquitous "looking for home."  Testing, questioning, mulling, "is this finally it?"  Can I settle in - or not.  Can I unpack the boxes - literally and figuratively?  I'm still not certain.  And that is what makes me think this ride isn't over yet.  I just hope there are snacks on the bus.


Peanut butter bread with honey cinnamon butter

I have a bread maker so this is sort of a cheat recipe but it's my blog so there :D
1 1/2cups very warm water
1/2cup Peanut butter - I use chunky - suit yourself
1/2cup honey
4cups bread flour
pinch of salt
1 package yeast I use rapid rise but either is fine since this is not a rapid bread
set it to GO and in about 4 hours you've got bread
Let IT SIT - DON'T hack into it instantly.  Really I know you want to but let it sit for at least 20 minutes.

Honey Butter
1 stick room temp butter
1/2c honey
dash of cinnamon
Mix
It's really good together.

Enjoy with any existential angst you may be having.  It helps.