"regrets collect like old friends

here to re-live your darkest moments . .  I can see no way I can see no way."

I'm telling you when you latch onto a singer or creative force like I have there is so much that just gets peeled back.  Much like an orange.  The outer layer is so useful - when extracted it can be usefed and put back into it's place - but - really, it's the KIND OF BELOW THE SURFACE PITH stuff that bitters it all up.  What you are really going for is whats under all that.  That is where the real fruit is.  Past the ugly - and bitter - is the good stuff.  I'm trying to get past the ugly into the good.  I've already explored the bad.  Bad is just, well, bad.  It's unpleasant.  And it doesn't suit me. It's the rotten taste you have when you know something someone you loved, or still do, or claimed to - says something that smells - well?, off.   It's also known as a lie.  Women can smell them if they are paying real attention.  I can smell a lie from 50 yards.   I've ignored a metric ton of them.  they all smell the same.  They smell like Hell.  burnt and sorry.

But when I discover an author I love - LORD I read up on them til they have nothing more to say. I wring them dry like a dishrag.  Singer/songwriter?well ditto.  Then you (read - me but I got sick of saying "I" and stealing all the attention). Then YOU hit upon someone who is just crazy.  She is who you would have been.  she is freaking amazing and to meet her would be stupid.  But then.  she is just as much a human as you are and you don't get star struck because you could be that star in a matter of years.  SINCE you just know your book idea is way better than Julie and Julia and Eat Pray Love put together.  imho.  I mean iYho.

I try to stay grounded (lol - I'm grounded - my kids will love that) I would beLiz Gilbert if I did not have kids.  and had lived in NY.  Angst is angst no matter the state or status.  teen or 30's. it's there.  mine is just going to be WAY ICKIER and super duper honest.

wow regrets.  they are a changing.  lol.  nope.  times yes.  regrets are set.

I regret a time in my life that set the stage for a time and space continuum  that only a select few will know.   yes.  1991.  should have been different.   if someone has a hot tub - message me.

flash forward.


every demon wants his pound of flesh
I like to keep some things to my self
I like to keep my issues drawn
it's always darkest before the dawn.

I can never leave the past behind.

I can see no way I can see no way - I'm always dragging that horse around.

I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. . . .

hell YES.

It's a fine romance and if given half a chance would I take any of it back . . . shake it off . . . . oh oh oh shake it off.

and I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't ..