FDOD

okay.  here's where shit get's real.  Hahaha.  Kidding - it's been real all along but MORE real suddenly - if that's possible.

I do try NEVER to alter or change anything I write.
except when asked to eliminate a certain person from everything I do or say.

FDOD is how I've lived for as many years as I've been doing anything.  For me FDOD is "First Draft Only Draft."    I do and it just is. for better or worse - i write and it just is.

If you don't understand what I'm saying - I mean I write - check for spelling gaffs and then post. period - what I say is what I say.  I write and then feel it that VERY second in the emoticon laden text speak that I choose to write in = it's that thought - that minute very real very volatile or very sympathetic.  or penitent.  or lazy or pissed off or angry or LORD you name it.  It's just NOW.  that's how I do it.   I don't relent - rehearse or rethink until the morning after and then repent.  LOL.

NOW. that being said.  My post last night had a glaring error that only my sleeping brain knew.  I wrote late after finishing Like water for chocolate.  and said SXSW which is a music festival when I MEANT Sundance which is a film fest.  No shit = I woke up at 4 am with my brain alerting me of my glaring error.  my sleeping brain KNEW and would not let me um sleep.  I tried to subvert such things to no avail and finally at like 6 - made the necessary change.  You really would have thought world peace and water that worked as gas would have been at stake - nope just my street cred.  right.  I guess it's that important.

I guess that makes me a writer.  I take that personal mantle happily.  I am.  I like it.  It fits.  it's really one of the 5 things that make me happy.  Writing.  Numero UNO freaking passion.  yeah. period.  Sex. yes it's number 2 to writing. not really sure why  - maybe since I drive all sexual activity in my current life.    Control is a heady but also tiring force.   Sewing -  3. I guess if I could write about sewing and sex it'd be EXPONENTIALLY cool. Knitting. No words just cool and  finally - Running. in the sun. or rain.
I would love to hear my Beloved's top 5.  B - I would imagine music and reading and animal sweetness and family and fun things and people would populate your 5.

I love so many things - getting inked - planning ink.  thinking about planning ink.  lol. Fact is I guess that I enjoy permanent things.  I think it's that I have HAD so many things that have flown into and out of my life that the things I don't have to question. . . piercings? yup there.  Tattoos? yup there.  boys? maybe.   friends? - only the real/forever ones!

I think it is a test of myself.  Can I pull it off?  Can I make sense in a one-off?  in a FDOD?   It's funny.  While knitting - if I encounter an error - I will truly access.  I will carefully decide if the ripping back to correct is truly worth the error.  MOST times I will decide it is - and rip back to the mistake or just frog the entire project (aka start the HELL OVER) I hate mistakes.  when they are MINE.  I guess the fact that words are not yarn mean nothing so when I actually reread mistakes that I've written it bugs me but I don't die.  I guess a word out there is not the same as a stitch.  I guess what I'm saying is something someone I love has to wear - well, it needs to be as perfect as possible.

But as always in life - If I need to rethink - retool - reassess.  . . I will.

I will.  re.

I so really do get the do-over part, it's just that I really would have liked to do it right the first time.
But sadly, I didn't.

Hindsight and all being the cruel mistress she is - ugh - SO freaking many things I would have done or said differently.  would not have been clingy - would have been a tougher chick - would have had the opinion.  whatever.   That ship has sailed and no port in sight.  I need to let it go.  It's weird that I am the one who has the issues.  but finally being honest? yes.  I admit it.  FDOD doesn't always suit the occasion.  sometime you need to revisit.  sometimes you need to reassess because it's just NOT right for today or forward.   regret? yeah.  Debilatating? Nope.  forward. I'm there.  I still like to do and mean it but I know a book will mean revision.  this. i know.