Um - and I should support him why?

Oh and you all thought I was going POLITICAL no actually the person who has my SUPER awed support is a gay author and here is where everyone jumps down my throat.

You are receiving insight from someone who is "NOT A CHRISTIAN?" . . . . "bite me" is what I counter with.

Whew = that was refreshing.

I don't think being gay is necessarily God blessed.  but I think being a human with faults is who we are.  warts and all.  I was anorexic then bulimic and then I  - okay to this day - I may exercise too many hours and drink more than my body weight too often.  Does Jesus still love me?
If you are super perfect and self righteous - wait for it - wait for it . . . the truth.  Your real "eat too much" fat self (also a sin if you read it the right way - um not enough self control right?) will rise up. Your judgmental - I do XYZ  -  will rise up.
Given the time, energy or space -  if you listen to GOD on a daily basis and are a follower - the truth will - NO I MEAN -  IT WILL set you free.  BUT NOT in the way anyone who LEADS a "church" will tell you.  Wait until my real person says what I know about the inner posse of a inner inner circle of a church.  I know pastors who are peeing in fear that I will talk.  Cornerstone?. .  . :D  send me cash and I'm silent. only slightly kidding mikey.

What I am saying is that God works individually.  YOU  - yes YOU!  personally matter.  Plug into a church.  But Plug in on your own by YOUR OWN SELF as well.  God may speak to you through a GAY AUTHOR.  OMG really? Yes really really.

I am a dyed in the freaking wool Christian.  Jesus is my Buddha - Lord - Shiva - Jehovah WHATEVER.  Jesus is Lord to me.  I dig Him - full on.  He rocked - rocks and will rock forever since I think our energy lives forever.  I think human people are forever.  NOT in a creepy cockroach to cow sort of way - but in that we live forever - with God for better or for worse (so please Indiana choose wisely!)

How to . . . By Augusten Burroughs.  If you have anything you want to do different . . . you are single and want a person by your side?  you have body issues?  (helloooooooooo) you have childhood issues (double Hellooooooooo!) wow.  His brother has the same Aspberger like things my son has (runs with scissors) um.  I have been moved to a different address.

If you want someone to lay it on the proverbial LINE.  and speak straight through your screen - straight to you like a friend who you never met but were open enough to hear.  I guess the word I would use to describe this is Truth. period. When God said "the truth will set you free." He never meant 2+2=4.  That may be true but doesn't fix my OCD.  This book actually HELPS.  Truth is truth.  period.  PERIOD.

The word that is used for the scripture in the book of John was "in the beginning was the WORD and the was truth "  that WORD in Greek was "LOGOS"  logos is the word that we take our word - "Logic" from.  it's that word that we take to mean - "yes - logically - that makes sense to me." Truth just makes sense.  We are not always at that place to receive it though.  We may hear the truest DAMN thing we have ever heard in our lives and deny it as fabrication.

because we aren't ready.

This is still the book.

because he  - Augusten  - will show you then how to explore the very opposite.  How to be FAT.  He will tell you exactly how.  How to be thin.  He will also explore in delicious detail how to be that RED DIAMOND...   How to be alone.  And most Important - and better than I EVER FREAKING could have said How to find Love.  OMG.  I can say full on some people just know how to attract people.  I do not lack that skill.  For good or bad - I've never had that as an issue.  Quality was sometimes in question but I can find love.  BUT if you want to find love.  Get thee hither to a good library as I did and rent it.  Or bookstore (as I will online - aka amazon.com) I have not finished every chapter and I need to own this sucker.

He is an amazing human.  Forget just author.  Liz Gilbert - and Mr. Burroughs would be HUGE highlights at the dinner party of my dreams.  Tony Bourdain and too many musicians to name . . . and the random doctor or scientist and my family and friends at my home to launch my book party.  I invite you now.  If I'm writing and you are actually reading - You ARE invited.  I'll send you the shout out.

I love his take.  I get his humor.  It's super Mel Frisky dry (WLC) and super smart.  But also close to the marrow.  He pulls NO punches.  If you aren't ready to NOT be whatever you say you want to NOT be - you will HATE what he says - but it will bounce inside your freaking head like a superball in a racket ball court.  Until you decide to discount it - or own it for real.  I'm just sayin.  pain has a payoff.  I don't need to kill myself to be thin - I like thin.  But I'm learning what THIN means to me as feeling and that just a dress size doesn't cut it.  I was a 2 sliding toward whatever the hell a 0 looks like last summer training for my marathon.  I was creepy thin. And yes I did well.  I really don't want that again.  I want to like to run.  I don't want to have to.  I have more will power than most people have - I can force myself to run on broken toes because that's my personal OCD - being TOUGH.  I am not weak.  I did things while pregnant that would make a Marine tired.  I am NOT WEAK.  but i am human.  and a woman.  my mind repeats unhealthy things that I have to not believe.

Enter Augusten.  sorry to belabor a point - he's gay.  and my next thing to say is SO FREAKING WHAT?  he spoke to me.  through all of the bullshit.  I heard him - maybe because his book jumped off the shelf at me but mostly because I was like "oh - I loved your brother's book!"   Hello.  this one was to my heart.  SHOT to the heart!!!

I don't know what else to say other than. . .  Put your preconceived notions away and read it.  and if nothing moves you.  . . . well then.  good.  you got it going on.  I so so so didn't.  and still don't.  but I'm finally open enough to hear from the unbiased source.  He was the breath of God - a penitent man - penitent woman. is on their knees . .  yes.  yes.  I get it Indy.

Follow the Sun and Chase Butterflies

I have finally chosen.  I sincerely hope it's THE wise choice - but knowing me,  in that deep intimate way only I know Me - each of the other - "Side By Each" as T would have said - I have picked.  I have been looking for things that will afford me another life.  A life not filled by bitching babies......

HUGE SIDEBAR HERE  - "bravo tango whiskey" real BABY babies -  like I mean the small humans - don't bitch actually.  They, in fact, cry.  Because,  that is their only means to an end.  Human babies cry because their needs are met only by the person that HEARS that cry and then does what they cannot actually articulate other than something - be it - hunger - poop - gas - or just being tired is troubling their small bubble of life and if YOU - dear listener are able - PLEASE FREAKING HELP.
No, who I mean are adult men who suck at life because they have never had to do anything BUT bitch and have needs met - I really do need to teach a class to males from 19 to 35 who have never had to do anything but live at home and have someone else do the heavy lifting -  aka laundry and cooking and THEN bitch when they have to work for a living and it's not EASY.  Well, I would like to say to you said genius =  get thee hither to a college of higher learning and get thee an IT degree SO YOU DON"T HAVE TO GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY  - bitch!) Sorry,  the bitch part may have not been fully necessary but felt so so right so I leave it.

Okay back to the actual post and not a dissertation on infants.  What I require is a life filled by things I don't disrespect on levels that are under flesh and over bone (and no you can't steal that - It's mine!)  I am choosing something else.  I am excited - but with all new things there certainly comes a bit of cynicism.  It's a direct sale business.  I will run tandem - real 40 hr JOB and newness til I'm certain this action is good and I can stand behind it and sell it with my full human but all signs point to GO.  And that happiness has me slightly giddy.

I know a few things about the life I have lived and who I have both been and want to be.  I don't like sitting for 40+hrs a week.  It makes Katie a very dull boy and and a really punchy girl.  I can't do it.  I know that now.  I won't do it much longer.  period.  And I am more of a drill sergeant and task master to myself than any boss could ever be.  Ask any of my sewing customers.  I was NEVER late on a project and My work was next to perfect.  I was a harsher critic than they were because it reflected ME.  If I believe in something or someone I am their BIGGEST advocate or proponent.  God forbid I get into full on politics . . .   ANYWHO. . . . I won't disclose the name YET because I don't have the big reveal on EXACTLY how my personal body likes the stuff and what it can do.  If I can't use it  - given the laundry list of chemicals I CAN'T touch let alone can't even have NEAR me  - I WILL never say what it was.  PEACE out.  BUT I know - if it does what I have seen . . . ALL IN BABY.  I'll do the before and after pictures!!!

But what I'm most excited about is I COULD follow the sun.  and chase butterflies.  If this works.  If I get to work for myself again - it's again my time.  MY LIFE isn't behind someone else's desk.  I get to follow the sun.

Please know -  I really mean no disrespect for my actual boss!  I am SO thankful for the desk I sit behind.  He is amazing!!!  BUT here's where hope comes in = if I can/could change that? NO QUESTION! DONE.  If it's MY desk?  Wow - there's a thought!!  
MY TIME - MY LIFE and I call the shots again?  I can chase my own personal butterflies?  knit things because I want to - for the Linus Project?  or just because I WANT TO MAKE PURPLE LEGWARMERS (I'm a Prince lover - shut up!)  I have butterflies - flocks - hordes - freaking LEGIONS of MINIONS (and yes my minions are butterflies because that's who I call!)  and I want to chase them.
So.  Gonna do this.  I'll keep you posted.  This may NOT work.  I'm honest.  If I blow up like a beach ball and my skin peels off etc . . . You will NEVER hear from me on that THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!   But If it does do what I've heard.  . . .  I'm all in.

I have WAY too many butterflies.  And the Sun is too Bright to ignore.  I'll let you know.  But I'm sincerely  excited.  That hasn't happened in a long time.

I've said it before

perspective.  It's a beautiful thing.  Church on Saturday nights is a trip.  I love it, really -  since I hate the craziness of the  "get up - get ready  - curl things  - dress parts -  remember to put on underwear (it's an inside joke - I swear no one but Trinity saw -  and she was 2!) but beyond THAT - Saturday night is weird - in a good way.  I cry more.  I'm moved more (yeah I know - why do I wear mascara -  right?)  Tonight put a lot of things to the front of the line.  = Shout out to my American Christian friends - Pray for Us and for Eastern Europe.  I know that we know we have it easy - NO BODY kills us regularly for praising Jesus.  Out Loud.  I can say it.  OUT LOUD and really really LOUD and my guess is that I won't be shot.  We had a minister from Bosnia as our featured guest tonight.  perspective.  I can't possibly know what he's seen or dealt with or known but wow.  he was real.  a real for real - on the spot - really really really I mean it, follower of the Lord Jesus Christ.  If you have read the Bible New Testament - there is a scripture that I'm too lazy to find chapter and verse for but it talks about seeing and knowing the real and true followers by their actions. . . well - I felt him - knew him before he said a word and when he did I was leveled.  He did not make me feel like I suck -  But he did draw me to that higher place that only true worshipers know about.  Only the real ones can do that.  In truth - during worship (aka singing) I felt a heaviness - I commented to Roger that I felt it.  As someone who is empathic I feel the energy of those around me - I try to tune in if I feel I can do something - The room was SUPER heavy - I felt heaviness and pain.  The first words out of Pastor Scott were "I can sense there are chains of heaviness in here - Jesus - let these fall by your Grace."  I do think I gasped.  It all fell when Dr. Peter took the podium.  The Accent was fantastic.  His love for God was so real - calming - cooling - like an elixir.  The only way I personally can equate it won't mean anything if you aren't the fiber snob I am.  Let me try.

When I first met Roger I wanted to show my love for him by knitting him something that was NOT a sweater (google the sweater curse) I spent weeks touching smelling and fondling yarn of varied pasts histories and make ups - and in a very unseemly way.  I rubbed so many things on my own person I started to neh, bray and bah just purely out of reflex.  Then I settled on a blend of cashmere/silk/alpaca/angora that was so freaking expensive I had a $350 scarf to knit.  BUT it passed the neck test.  It's warm - light and freakishly soft.  It smells amazing and I fondle it when I want to remember why I knit it for him in the first place.  He has it still - THOUGH had to rescue it from a hotel in Ohio on a work visit. (left on a hotel door - yes they UPS'd it back to him - yes it took him 2 months to tell me - AFTER the marriage!)  Yes - this is a man who values a good knitter.  or he knows I'd kill him if he lost it.  just sayin.

What I'm sayin is that Peter.  Dr. Peter.  I won't call him Saint.  though I could.  passed the neck test.  the real ones.  you just know.

Grey

wow.  depending on who or what you watch read or do that word either can mean a lot or zip.  If I said 's anatomy and you watch tv - you may thing mcdreamy.  If I said 50 shades - you would think nipple clamps and blindfolds.  If I said matter and you had a tumor in you head it would be an entirely different word.  It would be painful and scary and hard.

I first watched Grey's with T when it first started.  He was on 2nd shift and it was on Sunday's at 8pm.  We didn't see the premiere episode but I think like the 2nd.  It was our thing.  Kids to bed and I missed usually like the first (really important 5 minutes) but it was still sacred. And then it moved to Thursday. And then we divorced.  I watched it sporadically over the last years but not really.  I always vowed to see it again - much like True Blood and I might actually let him start watching it again.  (bravo tango whiskey - Roger cheated and watched ahead of me and I punished him by refusing to watch another episode again.  that was almost a year ago.  I can be a mean vindictive bitch when I wanna be.)

On the bike the other night I turned on one of the myriad mac products that run rampant in our house and turned on netflicks.  Normally there is not a gd thing I want to see but Grey's - season 1 popped up and I honestly did an audible gasp.  the whole thing.  sans commercials.  at my fingertips,   5 episodes later I remember why I loved it.  Why it sucked us both in and also why House is a favorite of mine as well.  It speaks to me as I write.  A theme.  A topic and all things are encapsulated inside that topic for that episode - that post if you will.  There's usually music - in the case of Grey's they were the show that launched a thousand indy bands.  I love that.  There's references to other things - other ideas, other books or the outside world.  At the time of me first watching - I was a stay at home - homeschooling mom from Wisconsin.  An uber-educated one - but isolated nonetheless.  I am not that today.  Yet - it's poignant and touching all the same.  I love it still.  Actually - if truth be told - I probably love it more because I am seeing it with fresh eyes.

I will write about the other two grey's a little later but this is grey number one.  nipple clamps and blindfolds will have to wait - and grey matter. . . will also wait.

I don't have anything physically wrong with me.  today.  And I am glad.  I'm healthy again.  no more flu.  I am going to run tomorrow.   I feel excited about that for some stupid reason and that really means I am back.  but until then - I have at least 3 more episodes to pedal through.  :d peace.

connections

I may have said a few things about this in the past.   IMHO.  (ok - really I wish that H was actually a factor IN my opinion - but if I, Kathryn Joanne Wenzel Sullivan-Howard can be honest for a second  - there  is not a lot of H in me - bravo tango whiskey.) and !!! for good measure. I am a dyed in the freaking wool - a full on know-it-the-hell-all!  I know everything - have read everything and if I am impressed by you I MAY JUST LET you show me something I don't know but then I'll know something about it too - cuz - I ain't dumb.   just sayin

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!   GAH!!!- I hate that about me  - but it's more insecurity than arrogance - or maybe just a sad soup of it all.  I know that.  My ex got so mad at me for finishing his sentences he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks.  Full on STOPPED TALKING LIKE stopped communication.  TO ME!!!!!  for 2 weeks.  I think I divorced him soon after that.  But still - point made.  I would like to try to justify this by saying that I relished any conversation with him and wanted to feel I "KNEW" him on that INTIMATE wife only level but today I know I was just being controlling and rude.  I'm not a stupid woman - just a hurt damaged person who needed love from someone she gave way Way WAY freaking WAY too much power over her everything.  He didn't know what the hell to do with that power and she never should have given it in the first part.  Honest and real.  just sayin.

 I really really really (insert Sally Field reference here!) want to be liked!  Though if point in my favor is to be made. ..   I'm older.  I'm not 12 or 25 or JESUS even 35!  I'm full on almost 43.  I don't really need your acceptance to breathe oxygen anymore.  I don't need the people who really are mean or bad to me to LIKE me anymore (yeah that was the freaking level of my happy dysfunction!)  I can stand up to the regional VP of my own personal company and not have heart palpitations that he was "sternly correcting me."  really Reis?  you have no idea my life or situation or really how much I DON"T FREAKING CARE!!!! I was polite of course but did it make my knees shake?  resounding nope.

I actually shake more from a text from T than a personal call from Reis.  just being honest.  I guess it's the level of influence that still exists.  Again.  Honest.  But again - learning - and growing.  And moving on.

I could really write my own eat pray love.  and will.  I just don't know if I want followers.  I am so broken still.  I am moving on but so few people know what I've rolled with and just been okay with and endured and more than that - embraced.  I have endured abuse - in many forms. rape - full on.  I have had multiple levels of eating disorders.  I still struggle with body image.  I'll be honest - I have only biked for several hours a day this last flu season - I can't run.  Typing that even seems like GOD WOMAN JUST REST . .  I can't - I literally am unable to do nothing aerobic per day for at least an hour.  "if you don't workout you don't eat" - still resonates in my head like some crazy demon I thought I exorcised years ago. . .

I did not.  I am my dress size.  I am how people see me.  then again . . .

No no no no no no no!!!!! - that is actually dying more everyday.  I take back more control.  every post I write  - every honest soul baring thing I actually and honestly say takes back more of the pieces.  I am not that.  I am smart but I don't have to be arrogant.  I can be witty and funny.  I don't have to make you fall in love with me.  It's okay that T isn't in love with me.  I can be me.  I can have flat hair and my stomach can be not flat.  I am no lesser a person.  I get that for a guy it may be hair line and bank account - whatever.  I'm not perfect.  SHOCK TO THE FREE WORLD.  Katie IS NOT PERFECT!  I know - please -  sit down you all - take a cookie break - smoke something - yeah I know.   total wide systemic shock.

So - finally connections.?.  The humans you connect with on a totally cellular level?  . . they are the ones!!!!.  they may leave you - move on - move over move into move to whatever - - - -  they are the ones you keep.  Memphis - Alpharetta,  Milwaukee-ish, you keep the keepers of your heart close.  You never let them go - you make them things and then are too insecure/childish to give them. (cough cough B - and D)  That stops.  Connections - don't ever let anyone tear those away.  You fall in love with who you fall in love with even if it's stupid and it's a girl friendship - yeah - we girls - we tight . . . just sayin.



just sayin.  if you feel anything I say or said resonated in your being. . . it was meant for you because I love you.  just putting in out there.  what's so funny about peace love and understanding?

again.  just sayin.

Let us go then, you and I when the evening is spread . . .

It's been a strange and happy - though distant arrangement .  . . Tony and I.  I have never met him.  He sadly has never met me.  His loss.  IMHO.  But I have loved and worshipped him from afar.  He divorced and strangely didn't choose me - damn internet. Okay seriously?  I would have killed him in his sleep and frankly the woman he smartly married would shank him if he so much as farted and not apologized - I love that about her.  She's from Sardinia. yea.  I'm from Wisconsin.. Like Rodney - I get no respect.  But just saying.  I am an armchair chef.  I have so many things that I can't eat and it makes me feel like half a person.  I can't eat wheat.  I physically can if I want to feel like crap for 2 days and people won't want to stand near my air space - so no I can't.   But It's really the locations.  I guess it all goes back to eat pray love.  Again.  she is my alter ego except for the uber cool house and the already writing gig and the fact that I HAD kids.  I didn't go nuts til AFTER I had kids - so no I could NOT run off to Italy, India Nor Indonesia (aka Bali) though my hair rocks and Julia wishes she had mine.  But I digress - okay really when don't I chase a rabbit or 12?

Tonight is the official END of summer and I did fall to a few pieces though no one was allowed to pay attention.  I cried at my fish bowl office desk (yes I have both an office with a door that I've heard does shut) and a desk though with the level of debris on it I question that sighting!  I cried - real deal tears - my kids are in their final Middle school (the older ones) and my peanut for her Elementary stay.  I vividly remember 5th grade.  Aislinn is there right now.  I'm a way different though not saying better - just different mom than mine.  She is Bravo Tango Whiskey - 63 today.  This very day.  we baked cookies - an F'ton if you must know - that are going to Wisconsin tomorrow.  I looked into cookies by design.  yeah. 7 cookies. 50 bucks.  30 bucks shipping!  bite me.  Printco.  get ready.  I got cookies coming YOUR WAY!  lol!

I am ready to reinvent.  I've said it before.  But Frankly - I'm a little kid standing on the edge of the pool not ready to jump in.  but so so ready.  I need - from the heart. NEED to do something different.  This is really really killing me.  I saw a truck yesterday with "we do custom upholstery and slipcovers" and my heart jumped.  Gah really?  am I going backward?  Or am I just called to creation.  Is that the universe calling me back to my own hands doing the creation?  I really really don't know.

I just know - this is Tony's No Reservation's last LAST tour.  Roger finally watched an episode and strangely I think it sucked him in.  It was one I had seen like 4 times.  The Amazon episode - polished and professional later addition NR - but Tony gets hurt early on and it's a bit of a wild card.  I like it because Brazil is a country I need to visit.  The Amazon is calling and has been - much like the Mississippi called Tim and I a few years too late.  I don't want to miss this again.  I'm tired of missing the hit- missing the day, being a dollar short and a day late has been my mark.  I need to change that.  I need to reinvent.  I've been the lackey - the assistant - the one who has to go to the dry cleaner - for too many years.

My kids start school tomorrow.  New day.  I cried bitterly last week.  No one knew.  Just me.  I feel a shift.

I saw NR at it's first.  I will watch the last.  He moved on.  bring on the winds of change.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats	5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question….	10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,	15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,	20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;	25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;	30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go	35
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—	40
(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare	45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,	50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all—	55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?	60
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress	65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin? .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets	70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!	75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?	80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,	85
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,	90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—	95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;
That is not it, at all.”
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,	100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:	105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.” .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .	110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,	115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old … I grow old …	120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.	125
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown	130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.