Obsequious

Yes, that is the word of the day according to Tim. I, however have chosen insouciant as mine. That just seems the funniest turn of affairs I could ever think. Anyone who knows me or my ex knows that Obsequious was pretty much tattooed on my ass from birth and that laissez-faire whatever whatever characterizes him to a tee! So today as I'm driving home from shoe shopping with the kiddies - he sends me this random word text and as the stuck in traffic driver that I am I respond in kind.

I do really miss having intelligent conversations about things that matter and things that don't but do to a certain extent just because they are fun to talk about. I miss sitting around a fire with wine and beer and such and being smarmy and funny and kind and sassy. I even miss the company of outlaws as they were some of the most interesting men I have ever met. Truly a rare 1% breed if there ever was one. Time wounds all heels and does heal all wounds. It's a fact - palpable indeed!

Dirty little secrets

The Book of Secrets
We really all have them in one way or another - but what do you do with that evil little thought if it's not so very little and is so so very evil? Yes as a Christian I KNOW what to do with it. And it's NOT rolling the thought slooooooooowly over and ooooover in your head like a big piece of rock candy over your salivating tongue. No it's definitely not that. Though really that's what I want it to be.

Nor is it to just banish it to the deep dank murky recesses of your swampy brain to ferment and stagnate into a pungent stank you can always smell but never really place it's origin.

Nope, the answer is face up to it. Mirror like. And know that no one, NOBODY besides a certain Winemaker (John 2: 1 - 11), gets out of this place clean. You learn a lot about yourself when you face the honest to goodness filth that is inside the cleanest looking reflection!

I'm so glad I don't have to be God and read everyone's messy dirty thoughts all day long - reading mine is bad enough. Though some are really really goooooooood!

Never ready

The first paragraph to my book is:
"I have killed everyone I have ever loved. Some have burned to death in firey car crashes, some have gone softly in their sleep. Some have shot themselves and some have had heart attacks. Regardless, all have died in varied and myriad ways. Still there I was, in my mind - at the funeral looking regal in my basic black - sobbing or stoic depending on the particulars of the situation. Suffice it to say - no matter who or what happened - I (heart and mind) was ready when my specific loved one passed."

Bullshit. No matter what and no matter who you are never ever ready. If you have no warning or if you have tons - years of slow demise - you, if you truly love someone are never ready to say goodbye. I really don't even care if you know - Know - KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that you WILL see them again. There is no ready. Just knowing that there is peace that passes understanding is slightly enough. Slightly.

It's raining it's pouring

well, you finish the line - I'm too tired to. The man has a problem. 7.6 on the richter scale - WOKE himself up. Oh and me as well - 3 times! I understand why couples get separate rooms now - always thought it was creepy. No, it's so you can freakin sleep when the lawnmower is running!

I would never advocate living together prior to marriage - if so no one would actually get married! But seriously - a heads up on this one would have been nice! Though I guess if it's you - you really have no idea until someone is bashing you in the skull telling you to roll over - OH I mean gently nudging you and rolling you sweetly on your side.

It has to stop before I am reaching for a pillow to cover his face - I mean an amicable solution needs to be found.

I think I am going to find a corner to nap in - preferably one without a lawnmower in it!

Time

What I dislike in myself even more than my intense self-absorbtion is my seeming dissatisfaction with whatever it is I have the most of. If it's money - then I probably am working my butt off and what do I do with it? What is the most responsible use for it . . . . worry worry worry about doing the WRONG thing with it since I also know that famine quickly follows such feast. If it's time - then it's what is the most constructive use of it? Sewing, praying, working out, reading, blogging chatting, looking for programs for the kids during the summer - gardening . . . . . I don't seem to just be able to relax and just know it will all get done. Again I have been sucked into justifying my own existence through activity! Why can I not escape this very destructive of activities?

goodness gracious great falls of

coolness! I really have to say of all of the coolness that is the state of VA - great falls national park rocks. I have to have a moment of humbleness - I really wanted to turn around when the line of cars to get into the place was 1500 feet deep (no lie!) that is 163 cars (I counted when we came out). It is the coolest place and only the picnic area was creepy crowded. And by creepy crowded I mean "freakin set up camp and stay the day! - wow is that a kitchen sink? really chorizo cookin on that grill hombre? yummy!" So apart from that we had - frogs and turtles and lizards and white water falls and rapids and cool rocks and trees and lions and tigers and bears. Oh my. I love this state. really I do. Virginia is Wisconsin. only prettier. If you can believe that. No shit. Really. I love it. Fat people and all.

where there's smoke there's

fire

okay so 7 doors down from me. Another house. Another family's house burned. Today. A family I don't know, a family the neighbor to my left knows because he coached their games, whatever, he knows this family. 7 fire trucks. A house burned why? I don't know. A lesson for my kids to respect fire and things that make it, but shit really I can't shake it. 7 house's a family is done. for a long damn time. I miss my mom. A lot. And my friend. a lot. You can't fix that.